TITLE: The Blinded Gardener
GENRE: Y/A Contemporary
Meeting Danny altered the only life I knew: a living punching bag.
Once again, I found myself at a new school. My third in the past two years. It sucked having a dad in the military.The final bell rang. As I wandered in the hall, I saw only one other guy besides me. Maybe he can tell me how to get to my classroom? He seemed unaware of me. Long bangs fell over his eyes as he loped passed me with a kind of natural ease.
"Hey, dude. Could you tell me how to get to room 305?"
A sneer formed on his lips as he faced me. He tossed his head. Platinum fringe shifted to the side and revealed bright blue eyes that stared at me unfocused.
Is he blind? How could he be? Weird though.
"I'm heading that way." His deep voice held a trace of a southern accent. He turned and continued his long strides.
I envied his height: well over six feet and me a few inches under. I rushed to catch up to him.
"What's your name?" He climbed the stairs before I could answer.
"Aidan." I took the first few steps at once.
"You better move, Aidan. Mr. Conners loses it when you're late."
At the top of the stairs he hung a right. He coasted down the hall and stopped midway. "Here you are. Room 305." He Faced me and lowered his head. "By the way, I'm Danny."
He turned and walked away.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The question about whether or not he is blind is a little random to me. There's not anything that would indicate blindness. I know his stare is unfocused, but I don't immediately think blind, I think distracted.
ReplyDeleteWith the name Aidan I assume the mc is a male. That being said, the descriptions are more feminine than I would expect from a male. That may be okay depending on the character, but I'd have to read more to say for sure.
I'd read a few more pages to see where it was going.
I'm not completely hooked. I loved the first line, so I would definitely keep reading for a few more pages.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jen about the blind part. Why would he think that? If Danny is blind, you're going to have to do a better job showing it. I'm assuming since he doesn't have a cane or a dog and was walking fast, that he does indeed have some vision. ;)
I'm not sure the MC needs to be convinced Danny is blind in the first 250 words. That might be something he could discover a little later.
ReplyDeleteWhen Danny says, "You better move, Aidan. Mr. Connors loses it when you're late." I'm a little thrown. You could instead change this one line to "You better get moving, Aidan. Mr. Connors loses it when kids are late."
The only reason I suggest that is because your book isn't listed as Paranormal and since the MC and Danny just met and the MC is new to the school it seems like Mr. Connors wouldn't be losing it over just one kid in particular being late and Danny wouldn't be able to foretell such a scenario even if it were true.
Does that make sense? I hope so. Have a great day and best of luck!
I have trouble believing the MC's voice. Primarily, that's because the descriptions of Danny are a bit off. The MC seems like a guy and guys wouldn't think in terms of "bangs" or "platinum fringe." Being envious of Danny's height seems more like a way to describe Danny than something the MC would actually think, unless you work in something about how the MC knows he wouldn't be a punching bag if he was Danny's size.
ReplyDelete"Stared at me unfocused" reads awkwardly to me. Is there a better way to say this? Also, the next paragraph about questioning whether Danny is blind doesn't fit in smoothly. As someone mentioned previously, how could he be blind if he's navigating the halls quickly without the aid of a seeing eye dog or a cane?
The tense in "Maybe he can tell me how to get to my classroom?" threw me off (it should be can instead of could).
Also, in the next to last sentence of the penultimate paragraph, "Faced" shouldn't be capitalized - just a minor typo you might want to fix before sending this to agents.
When Danny sneers at the MC, I'm confused. The first sentence sets me up to think Danny and Aidan are going to be friends, but the sneer makes Danny seem rather unfriendly. The action doesn't jive with his helpful tip to hurry because Mr. Conners hates late people.
This part is very confusing:
ReplyDeleteI envied his height: well over six feet and me a few inches under. I rushed to catch up to him.
"What's your name?" He climbed the stairs before I could answer.
Because of the way it's written, telling us what the MC is thinking, then launching into dialog, it makes us think it's the MC's dialog, not the other guy's. The answer is Aiden, so then we start to question what the first line means...at this point, who's Danny.
This can be cleared up with some rearrangement, but it's something to keep an eye on. Always make sure you reader knows who is talking.
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ReplyDeletecan see where the confusion and thoughts are. When I posted the paragraphs were separated and the thoughts italicized. It should read...
ReplyDeleteOnce again, I found myself at a new school. My third in the past two years. It sucked having a dad in the military.
The final bell rang. As I wandered in the hall, I saw only one other guy besides me.
Maybe he can tell me how to get to my classroom? He seemed unaware of me. (thought)
Long bangs fell over his eyes as he loped passed me with a kind of natural ease.
Is he blind? How could he be? Weird though. (again-thought)
I hope this clarifies it for everyone.
February 9, 2011 6:55 PM
I thought there was no pull here, no reason to read on. He starts by saying he was a human punching bag, but that changed when he met Danny, so his life got better, which leaves us no conflict. Also, if Danny is well over six feet, and he's just a few inches shorter, it would still leave him as a rather tall kid, hardly the punching bag type. Perhaps introduce or hint at the source of the conflict.
ReplyDeleteUntil the name Aidan came up, I assumed the MC was a girl, and once it does, I assume he's a gay male. If neither of these are right, you're likely going to have to alter a few things. It's the initial description of Danny as having long bangs and a lope with a natural ease - and then deep voice. None of these things alone lead the reader down that path - but it's because they are the only things we see about Danny - that make it seem that way. (And, okay, his bright blue eyes, which is exactly the sort of thing I expect a female protagonist to notice, but you're stuck there because you have to emphasize his eyes.) And the ending line: "By the way, I'm Danny," is just what I'd expect to see in a scene in a romance novel.
ReplyDeleteOkay, reread this entry and I think the line "one other guy besides me" is supposed to indicate the MC is male. But I'm just seeing it as an empty hallway with just one other person.
Typo: passed instead of past
Ok, this is a little nit-picky, but its something that bugs me a lot in books and movies. Being a military kid--moving a lot--it doesn't suck. It's, in fact, really awesome. Granted that's just the opinion of one set of military kids (four kids in my family), but we love moving. It's the chance to recreate yourself, rediscover yourself, and be a new person.
ReplyDeleteSo in short, as a military kid, I lost sympathy with your MC when he thought "It sucked having a dad in the military." But what do I know--I've only moved 16 times in 24 years.
Start a new paragraph with "the final bell rang" it separates the thoughts, pulling you back into the school.
ReplyDeleteYou can uncap Faced.
And consider shortening the last line to: He walked away. The way you wrote it: He turned and walked away (and earlier about his blue eyes), had me thinking gay which is okay if that's your intent.
Best of luck, good job.
Hmmm... this one doesn't grab me much, I'm sorry. It's an introduction, but nothing really happens to hook the reader despite the vague hint about the guy's eyes. Not enough to keep me reading, sorry.
ReplyDeleteI'm all about intriguing first lines but there needs to be more of a connection between it and what comes after. I'm left confused.
ReplyDeleteThe writing feels a bit choppy, even after the paragarphs you noted should have been there.
There very well could be something there but I have a feeling it might be a while til it's revealed.