TITLE: Sacred Songs
GENRE: Romance/Women's fiction
Prophet:
Inspired teacher, revealer or interpreter of God's will.
I felt as if I were in the presence of Christ himself.
The roar of the helicopter's engine abated only enough for the sound of the screaming thousands of fans who were packed like small sheep into a medieval holding paddock to reach my ears. The 14th Century castle looking once again as if its multitude of subjects had flocked to be with their king. In a way, they had and I felt a surge of privilege and pride to be walking beside the focus of their adoration and frenzy.
"It's amazing, have you ever seen anything like it?"
Frederick scampered ahead, like a puppy dog anxious to be out walking with its owner.
"All right for him," Julian cast a morose look in my direction, "he doesn't have to get up there and perform in front of the f*****s."
We all knew he was scared, this was the worst time, those testing hours before the show.
'Make-him-or-break-him' time it had been dubbed by the tight disciple-like group who travelled together.
The time when, if he ate, he usually threw up, or he would fuel himself on a concoction of chocolate and caffeine, only to bring that back up seconds before stepping on stage.
I alone witnessed the regurgitation ritual.
A strange place to find myself, metaphorically holding the hand of a rock demi-god while he unravelled, show after show, after show.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm sorry to say I'm really confused. By the way you open the story I thought it was a Christian novel (I had to look at the genre again). Then I realized she's working for a rock star. I'm not sure why all this is important to her. Maybe I'm missing something.
ReplyDeleteThis sentence is akward and perplexed me. I didn't get it.
The roar of the helicopter's engine abated only enough for the sound of the screaming thousands of fans who were packed like small sheep into a medieval holding paddock to reach my ears. The 14th Century castle looking once again as if its multitude of subjects had flocked to be with their king. In a way, they had and I felt a surge of privilege and pride to be walking beside the focus of their adoration and frenzy.
I think there's a good idea in here somewhere. It's just not clear. It needs a lot of rethinking.
I like the imagery of prophet, demi-god, disciple. Fits with rock star. But the castle/king imagery doesn't flow with it -- plus the fans screaming was for the star's ears, not the narrator's ears. Introducing the character Frederick confused me because I assumed he was the rock star. May not need that -- the most interesting piece was Julian and the 'testing hours' where his nerves got the best of him.
ReplyDeleteI'd read more!
I have to say I was confused at the opening, too. I thought Christian at first. Then I thought historical. Then I just didn't know. I don't think there's enough in this snippet to give the reader any idea of what the story is going to be about or even what the tone of the book is.
ReplyDeleteSome very awkward grammatical errors and a lot of confusion about when and where we are - with this degree of unevenness on the first page, I wouldn't keep going, sorry.
ReplyDeleteSome of the sentences go on way too long. Take a look at your second paragraph, that is an example. You do create very vivid imagery, and your shorter sentences paint a very good picture. I would work on taking some of those longer sentences and breaking them up into more manageable lengths.
ReplyDeleteThis was really confusing to me. It took me three reads before figuring it all out and I'm still not certain I did. The Frederick scampered ahead part seemed to come out of nowhere. For all that is going on here, I can picture very little of it in my head.
ReplyDeleteThe last half of the passage is where my interest got piqued and I liked the last line. I think this could be a really great story. I love the concept shown in the last half.
I agree that the introduction is confusing. I had to re-read to decide whether it was contemporary or historical. This is easily fixed though. :)
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph has some real gems of ideas in there, but I would work on tightening it all for greater impact.
Once Julian became 'real' in the scene, you had me. Good job.
I'm not sure where this is headed, romance-wise, and I quite like that I don't know. Makes me want to keep reading. :)
I have to agree with all of the above.
ReplyDeleteIf you break up the third paragraph it will help. You do have some wonderful description. Focus on that. Also if you can clarify it's a rock concert, because I didn't get that off the bat.
Oh, I love the last line. Hope you keep that.
ReplyDeleteThe opening sentences threw me. I'd start w/the roar of the helicopter because you show us so well in the next lines what it's like being with a superstar. The other question is do we have Frederick, Julian, the narrator and the rock star? Julian's line is great, but who is Frederick? I had a bit of trouble tracking how many people are in this scene.
I'm very intrigued about this character's special relationship to the performer (I alone witnessed the regurgitation ritual). I'd keep reading.
Best wishes with this!
Perhaps cut everything before the helicopter and maybe show them get off, that way we can see who is actually there, or let them have some dialogue while still in the helicopter?
ReplyDeleteOnce you get into this (the last half) you create real interest and an intriguing subject. Maybe rework the opening a bit.
I'd give it a few more pages.
It seems like you probably have a fun novel, and probably a unique one , too, but there are a few things that turned me off. The first line made me think 'Religious novel' and being one that would never be interested in reading a religious novel, I would have passed right there if I'd read this in a bookstore. But I see from the rest of your submission it probably isn't, so I might work on that if it isn't your intention.
ReplyDeleteSara J Henry pretty much hit the nail on the head with her 'awkward grammatical errors' comment. I'll expand on a few so you can see what we mean.
"Who were packed like small sheep in a holding paddock to reach my ears' doesn't really made a ton of sense to me. First, why do the sheep have to be small? Second, they're packed in there and screaming for the rock god, not her, so I'm not sure what 'to reach my ears' means. Actually, even if she had been the rock god, it doesn't make sense to me. They're there to hear/see him or her sing, not to scream for someone's benefit so as to reach their ears. Very confusing.
"All right for him," Julian cast a morose look in my direction,"he doesn't have to..." <<--What you have there in the middle is not a proper dialogue tag. As far as my understanding of the things go you need a he said/she said or some variation thereof to qualify as a tag. It would work if you wrote 'All right for him," Julian said, casting a morose look in my direction, "he doesn't have to..."
"It's amazing, have you ever seen anything like it?" <---Imo, a period is needed where the comma is.
We all knew he was scared, this was the worst time...." <--There should be a period, or at least a semicolon where the comma is.
Lastly ,there were a few sentences which seemed a bit backwards. Take 'the screaming thousands of fans' line. Typically, people say 'thousands of screaming fans'.
Once tightened up, I'm sure you'll have a fantastic opening. You have a great premise. Keep up the great work and thanks for sharing :)
I also was confused until the very end, and then I went back and re-read it. I think you could make this work, with some revision, although I'm not sure the quote (at least it looks like a quote, or a truism) is the best place to start.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI think it would be better to label right up front that this is a concert. The confusion mentioned above came out of this one missing label.
ReplyDeleteTry...I feel as if i were in the presence of Christ himself, but he was just a rock star and this was just a concert in the 21st century.....
After that fix, I think you'd get much more positive reviews and clarity. I'd ask for the fix, and read on, because i like your imagery.
Agree the first three lines must go. Also, either explain or lose Frederick - can't tell if he's a child or a man. How can we picture him if we don't know.
ReplyDeleteGreat premise though, I think the story will be hot. Good luck.
There is potential here. You have a good voice. However, the opening few lines are confusing.
ReplyDeleteI'd start with the helicopter approaching, her anticipation and then dread, rising. There are a lot of good emotions present.