TITLE: Sendek
GENRE: Science Fantasy
Talia and Commander Landry survived a suicide bombing of a tram (train) and she tried to thank him for saving her life, but communicating telepathically makes it hard to hide certain feelings.
Landry leaned forward, and untangling one hand he lifted my face and pulled my lips to his. The shock that ran through me when we touched was nothing compared to the sensation of our lips meeting. My arms wrapped around him and my hands wove their way into his hair as I pulled him closer. All that existed were his arms and his lips. As he nibbled my lower lip, something within broke loose and I melted into him. Landry's mind whispered the fear of losing himself in this hurricane of emotion at the same time a tear reached my lips. As the saltiness registered on my tongue, I remembered myself. I half-heartedly pushed him away as my kiss grew hungrier. My body was not ready to give him up, but the slight pressure had its effect. Landry pulled away and we both gasped for air. He looked as startled as I felt.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This was fabulous! The added thoughts and tears gave it so much emotion. The push away made me want more too!
ReplyDeleteLove the push-pull and I'm a sucker for hearing words whispered in the mind. Nice job.
ReplyDeletei like the actual scene a lot, but i feel it could be loads stronger if the prose was cleaned up. A few shorter sentences throughtout would help. Also, there are quite a few uses of "as", which was fine once, maybe twice, but after that i really noticed them.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the tear touching her lips.
This was a nice scene, but I thought it could be much stronger, also. The writing could be cleaner and more precise.
ReplyDeleteLandry pulled her lips to his - I wondered what you envisioned here. I saw him clasping her lips between his fingers and pulling.
The next sentence is told. Put us in the moment. We touched, and a shock ran through me, but it was nothing compared to the sensation of our lips meeting. And if that sensation was so wonderful, tell us about it. Describe it.
My arms wrapped around him -- try -- I wrapped my arms around him and wove my hands through his hair. Let her do whatever she is doing, as opposed to allowing her body parts to do it. Same with Landry's mind whispering. His mind isn't whispering. He is whispering in his mind.
And it just seemed weird that a moment like this, he was Landry, as opposed to whatever his first name is.
Super!
ReplyDeleteI would edit the ‘pulled my lips to his’ since it sounds like he is physically grabbing her lips. Some of the phrases are redundant, the feelings, the sensations.
BUT, ‘Landry’s mind whispered the fear…” EXCELLENT. Wow.
Since I know ‘Landry’ is his first name, I don't have a problem with her using it.
The addition of tears made it for me, but the writing its self needs some work. You're missing punctuation that would make things flow better, and you need to vary your sentence lengths to make the writing more dynamic. Use short, sharp sentences to convey urgency, longer ones for the sensuality.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting.
ReplyDeleteThe way her hands seem to act independently from her brain give one a sense of voyeurism. I think this could be used a lot to augment the sense of telepathy.
I think the writing needs some polish just for flow and ease of reading, but I like the dynamic a lot.
I agree with the above. It's a bit overwritten (I'm a pro at that myself!) but the emotion is SO there, which is really hard to get right with kiss scenes. I kept thinking hubba hubba.
ReplyDeleteFrom Landry's mind on is really great.
That second sentence is a little confusing on first read. XD
ReplyDeleteI like it, good emotion! I personally think lip nibbling is a bit awkward, but hey, whatever works for your characters. XD
I suggest breaking this up to give your reader more white space. Also, once you introduce the characters, ‘he’ and ‘she’ are fine. Using proper names draws your reader out of the scene.
ReplyDeleteThere’s a lot of repetition of ‘arms’ and ‘hands’ and ‘lips’ in this paragraph and not the emotion I would expect.