TITLE: BEAST OF BURDEN
GENRE: YA PARANORMAL ROMANCE
(Remi has walked Kat to her front porch after a date and she's been dying for him to kiss her after several weeks.)
Remi's fingers tucked behind her ear, his thumb tracing the outline of her lobe. Kat quivered at each stroke, her head muzzy. She focused on his lips. His breath was hot and sweet. Remi began to say something but paused. He drew her in and brushed his lips, soft and warm, against her cheek and her eyes lazily closed. Her lashes fluttered open and she gazed into his dark brown eyes. And he seemed to drink her in while pondering her reaction, floating there, breathing as if he took in her breath. Kat could feel the heat from his mouth, her pulse under his fingers at her neck, under her jaw line. Remi tilted his head, his mouth lingering by her lips and he closed the electric gap between their mouths.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I had to read it a few times to sort through all that was going on. Maybe streamline the action and resultant feelings for a little more flow?
ReplyDeleteI love the word "muzzy."
"And he seemed to drink her in while pondering her reaction, floating there, breathing as if he took in her breath" broke the flow for me. The kiss would have more impact with a little tightening. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteHa! It was a kiss teaser until the end. Lovely.
ReplyDeleteSeemed like a lot of hot, warm, soft and sweet in there. A little tightening may be needed, but it was stil very nice.
I liked that she was aware of her pulse, not his.
It seemed a little long-winded to me, and it didn't flow as naturally as it could have. Watch for using too many short sentences in a row; it makes things sound choppy.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's because it's all one paragraph that it took me a bit to 'get' it.
ReplyDeleteI really liked, "breathing as if he took in her breath."
A bit ovedone, I thought, but it works. You get her feelings and emotions across. Not his, though. Perhaps cut some of the adjectives, use one really good word instead of two ordinary ones (soft and warm)
ReplyDeleteThe electric gap seemed out of place to me. You didn't use anything similar in the rest of the piece and you created a nice mood rather than a shocking, or hot and heated more intense mood, which would have suited the electic gap better. Perhaps cut that.
"Muzzy" such a great descriptive word. I'm a big fan of mashing words to suit my purpose. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteThe first thing I would do with this is separate it into about three paragraphs,
ReplyDeleteIt's all jumbled together. You have some really beautiful writing in here, but it needs to open up to us. Let each thought sing, so we can absorb it before moving onto the next.
Slow down the images and let them unfold.
I like 'electric gap' but agree that it doesn't fit the mood of the rest of the scene.
ReplyDeleteI also think you need to break this up into more than one paragraph.
I’m not fond of the first two lines. Is he stroking or tracing? You’re also using a lot of stage direction: eyes opening and closing, head movement. And why is there an electric gap between their mouths?
ReplyDeleteI think this would flow better if you added some white space and broke the paragraph up.