TITLE: Vitro/Vivo
GENRE: Science Fiction
She comes from a utilitarian society with strict hormone controls, where the very concept of kissing doesn't exist, but now that she's been exiled, certain instincts are emerging.
Her face lifted to his, eyes searching, lips moving without speaking. She leaned closer, seeking what she couldn't put into words. Her unsteady lips brushed his cheek, drifted and found his mouth.
The last shreds of thought fled, leaving only the unexpected delight of his warm lips responding to hers, his arms pulling her tight. She lost all sense of time and place; she forgot even how to breathe, until Jag broke off. “Ow!”
“What?” Drei pulled away in a hurry, overheated and mortified. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry.”
“No, it's just --” He gave a rueful smile as he touched his mouth. “You bit me. Pretty hard.”
“Um.” A few weeks ago, she would have been appalled at such a descent into savagery. Wasn't it savage, to go at someone's lips like she was trying to devour them? There was certainly nothing rational about it. And she wanted to do it again.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Loved this. Great voice. Smooth writing. No suggestions. Nice job:)
ReplyDeleteInteresting!
ReplyDeleteIs "savage" a buzzword to this society?
If not, I might change the "savage" to "barbaric" or something similar, since you used the word in the previous sentence.
If I flipped to this page in a bookstore, I'd buy it.
I loved this too! Nothing jarring to break the flow of the story. She bit him, hot!
ReplyDeleteLove this. It's innocent, while at the same time aggressive. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteVery nice. I enjoyed it. Just maybe try and lose the cliches of 'she lost all sense of time and place; she forgot even how to breathe'. I'm sure you can come up with a more original way of expressing this.
ReplyDeleteI liked it a lot, interesting explanation about the society's controls.
ReplyDeleteGreat premise. Liked the ease of writing and ... the biting!
ReplyDeleteInteresting premise. I like the last sentence, and agree that you might want to change those cliche phrases one of the other commenters mentioned.
ReplyDeleteExcellent work. I like this a lot.
ReplyDeleteI thought the first two pargs were overdone and could be stronger with some revision.
ReplyDeleteHer face didn't lift to his. She looked up. She should be doing things, not her body parts, since it is she who controls them, and the lips moving without speaking--again, her lips wouldn't speak. She would. And how and why are they moving? Are her unsteady lips wobbling? What do steady lips look like? The desciptions don't work, I think.
The last three pargs were much better. You might end with "Yet" she wanted to do it again.
I'll reiterate the suggestion to ensure your character is taking action, rather than her body parts.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I very much enjoyed the rest of the segment and definitely wanted to read more. Well done.