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Wednesday, February 2, 2011

First Kiss #27

TITLE: The Watchers
GENRE: Urban Fantasy

He knew he had to leave while he still had the strength to walk away. But he wanted to take something with him.

Slowly, he bent his face to hers, hands trembling against her soft skin. She watched him inch closer and slipped her eyes shut a second before he reached her. He felt her pulse spike as their lips touched.

There was an explosion in his chest. Heat rushed through him as the kiss intensified. Hannah wrapped her arms around his neck as he slid his arms down to her waist. She clutched his hair pulling him closer until their bodies pressed together in a long line of heat and desire. Fire coursed through his veins. She slid her tongue between his lips forcing his mouth open. His fingers clenched around her hips wanting to do more, to touch more, to explore beyond where his tongue could reach.
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14 comments:

  1. kaureliusFebruary 2, 2011 at 11:34 AM

    Very lush!
    I like the detail of the "pulse spike," but where is he touching her that he could feel that?

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  2. Jennifer M (OR)February 2, 2011 at 11:46 AM

    This is good. I like the second line about wanting to take something with him and the last time about exploring more.

    I think it could be even better if lines like "fire coursed through his veins" and "heat rushed through him" were tweaked into something that I haven't read so many times before.

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  3. Charity BradfordFebruary 2, 2011 at 11:53 AM

    Yumm! Steamy. I agree with the pulse spiking that kaurelius mentioned. I used to write that and then I thought about my real life and I've only noticed my own heart rate increasing if you know what I mean. Unless my head was on his chest near his heart...

    Anyway, I enjoyed this.

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  4. Debra AnastasiaFebruary 2, 2011 at 12:31 PM

    Very hot and intimate.

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  5. ErinFebruary 2, 2011 at 12:35 PM

    Sexy. Nice.

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  6. NinaFebruary 2, 2011 at 12:44 PM

    Loved the last line with him wanting more. Very telling. Nice :)

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  7. angela robbinsFebruary 2, 2011 at 3:12 PM

    agree, i'd take out the fire coursed part and liven that up to something not as common.
    but that said...it's getting hot in here.

    (word ver: gypoker
    i'm not even going to touch this one...)

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  8. Michael Di GesuFebruary 2, 2011 at 3:46 PM

    Steamy.

    I agree fire coursing is a bit cliche'.

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  9. Danielle La PagliaFebruary 2, 2011 at 7:21 PM

    Thank you all for commenting. I'll work on the more cliche lines and the spiking of her pulse is something he can sense in her because he's her guardian angel. I guess I should have done a lead-in line to explain that.

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  10. MelindaFebruary 3, 2011 at 12:13 PM

    I like this, especially the last line, but I agree that there are a few phrases that feel cliche.

    The line that starts 'She watched...' seems like it's in her POV. You could fix it by changing it to: 'He inched closer. She slipped her eyes shut...'

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  11. Chris P.February 3, 2011 at 3:34 PM

    How did he feel her pulse spike?

    I’m not a big fan of exploding chests. I know what you’re going after, but it reads like he was shot. I think with some tightening here and there, you could have a good kiss.

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  12. BarbaraFebruary 3, 2011 at 5:13 PM

    Some of the description is overdone and cliche, but still, I liked it. I thought you made his feelings and emotions evident. Others have pointed out the problems. Work on them and his feelings and emotions will come off as genuine, rather than as a writer's description.

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  13. pj schnyderFebruary 4, 2011 at 12:15 AM

    I love the second line.

    In the second paragraph, beware switching POV back and forth. You lose some of the heat when the reader has to figure out who is experiencing what.

    Pacing is good in the third paragraph, increasing the tension.

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  14. earthgirlFebruary 9, 2011 at 11:42 PM

    I'm not here to pick semantic nits or measure out prose in coffee spoons.

    I just want someone to kiss me now...

    ReplyDelete