TITLE: Pwning N00bs
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Wendel, a soon-to-be professional gamer, comes home after a tough loss to find his life-long next door neighbor, Cali, crying because her boyfriend cheated on her- Wendel takes this prime opportunity to express his feelings for her.
Wendel took a quick step forward, palmed the back of Cali's neck, and kissed her on the lips, hard. He breathed in the sweet honeydew scent of her skin as she leaned into the kiss. Cali slid her hands up his back and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. He pressed her against the rough bark of the mulberry tree. Heaps of golden leaves fell off the branches like a confetti rainfall, but their lips remained locked together. Wendel moved his hand to the swell of her back and pulled her into him. Then as sharply as they kissed, Cali pulled away. "I'm sorry," she said as she turned to walk away.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Very pretty setting! Love the confetti imagery. I would be very curious to hear what they would say next.
ReplyDeleteLike the 'confetti rainfall'. The kiss is a little rough, but I think it works with the situation.
ReplyDeleteOMG, i LOVE your title! A+
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot. It was very believable. I'd just add a paragraph break at Cali's dialogue.
Great job on the imagery and tone! However, it reminded me strongly of an anime. Didn't something like this happen His and Hers Circumstances? It's just golden leaves instead of cherry blossoms. A gamer who pwns n00bs would probably recognize the similarity of the moment to such classic scenes. In fact, you could always turn it on its head and have him make the connection (to a made-up anime). I don't know. That might distract from the moment.
ReplyDeleteAll this being said, I really liked this. I definitely got the feeling of the scene.
I thought the important stuff, like emotion and motivation, were lacking in this scene. Basically, you're telling what they did - an arm here, a hand there. It's like telling us the route someone took to get to the store without telling us what they saw along the way. Perhaps give us a thought or two from Wendel, (or Cali, if it's her POV) a bit of emotion. What's it like for him to finally kiss this girl?
ReplyDeleteAlthough a pretty image, the heaps of golden leaves distracted me from the purpose of the scene. I kept wondering if the leaves fell because he touched the tree or a burst of wind. Yeah, I'm strange that way.
ReplyDeleteAnd finally, "as sharply as they kissed" didn't work from me. I've never experienced a sharp kiss. Am I missing out?
This seems very stuccato, somehow. Maybe the abruptness of the movements, or the term sharply. I'd be interested in seeing some dialogue to lead in, and if the rest of their relationship has this urgency.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested in the premise, too. I love "nerdy guy and cute neighbor" stories.
The first thing I notice is the big block of text. I suggest you break it up, and give your readers some white space.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I feel no emotion in this piece. Instead, you have stage direction. It’s telling and not showing.
Also, if they’re in the middle of a kiss, how does Wendel know golden leavens are falling?