TITLE: Ravenous Dusk
GENRE: Adult Urban Fantasy
Kieran is a Reaper who found Blake and informed her that she is his vessel, meant to help him channel ghosts to the Underworld. They've been falling for each other, though Kieran has sometimes seemed resistant, and now he is telling Blake why.
"Reject you?" Kieran said, and the way he was looking at me made me realize that Liam hadn't been embellishing what he'd said. "I want to consume you Blake. I want you to lose yourself in me, and I in you. I want to take you somewhere where no one else can ever have you and spend eternity in your arms."
"Oh..." I breathed. The air had grown warmer, and a spark of electricity was dancing across my skin.
"Don't you feel the same way?" he asked.
"Yes," I said, finally letting myself admit it. "Since I met you I've been drawn to you, but I fought it, because I wanted to hate you. But after you kissed me, I suddenly found my resolve to push you away just about nonexistent."
"That's my fault," he said. "Because I was selfish, and I wanted you. I did this to you, and now... I don't think it can be undone."
"Did what?!" I asked. "Kieran if you don't explain yourself right now... "
"I made you addicted to me," Kieran said. "And even though it shouldn't work this way, I've become addicted to you." My jaw dropped. "This has never happened before, because I never let it," he continued. "I didn't want to find out if this power was a part of me, and no one ever tempted me to try. Until I met you."
"What power?" I said slowly.
"The power of addiction," he replied. "Seduction. The power of an incubus."
Miss Snark's First Victim
First, I love the name Kieran. Second, I definitely didn't see the incubus thing coming so good job there, although I'm curious about how an incubus becomes a reaper...
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue felt a tad clunky to me, particularly "But after you kissed me, I suddenly found my resolve to push you away just about nonexistent."
I really liked this. I felt the tension and was very interested in what was going on. My only nitpick was the dialogue. Kieran's read much more naturally to me than Blake's.
ReplyDeleteI would agree the dialogue needs some polishing
ReplyDelete"Yes," I said, finally letting myself admit it. "Since I met you I've been drawn to you, but I fought it, because I wanted to hate you. But after you kissed me, I suddenly found my resolve to push you away just about nonexistent."
ReplyDeleteI think that whole patch of dialogue needs work. I don't think anyone would feel comfortable to say this out loud to the guy they like after just one kiss.
First off: LOVE the title.
ReplyDeleteSome really neat concepts here, with the Reaper and incubus. I do think Blake explains too much about her reaction to the kiss. Doesn't sound like natural dialogue for the situation.
Very interested in what is going here though. :)
You did a good job of conveying how Blake is complete in to him, as well as the sense of distance he creates. However, the dialogue is a bit choppy.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to agree with the comments above - the dialogue is hard to swallow. No one talks like that. People rarely say what they actually mean and often struggle to find the right words.
ReplyDeleteFor example: "Since I met you I've been drawn to you, but I fought it, because I wanted to hate you. But after you kissed me, I suddenly found my resolve to push you away just about nonexistent."
I would rewrite and say "I wanted to hate you but after you kissed me... I just couldn't resist anymore."
Also in the second paragraph you say "...electricity was dancing across my skin." I would write "electricity danced across my skin."
The idea is fantastic. You have something really good to work with.
If I could give you any advice, it would be to listen in on people's conversations and try to remember the rhythm and the way that they speak. Once you get your dialogue perfected... you'll have something very special.
I agree, the dialogue is very unnatural for Blake. You may have it nailed though for the Kieran as he is not from this world.
ReplyDeleteIf this is taken from early in the book, the stiffness works for Kieran, however you may want to show an evolution of his dialogue as he is humanized during the book.
A couple of passive sentences too:
"Reject you?" Kieran said, and the way he was looking at me made me realize that Liam hadn't been embellishing what he'd said.
Try: ...and the way he looked at me...
The comment above caught the other one.
I would read more of this, for sure. Right up my alley.
"I want to consume you Blake. I want you to lose yourself in me, and I in you." Sounds like Kieran is speaking too "forsoothly," and then later he speaks in contemporary manner. Either pick one or the other, or have one character speak stiffly at the start, then gradually change.
ReplyDeleteI think you need more reaction to the reveal. Blake find out Kieran loves her, and she comes up with an "Oh," which could work, provided we get some internal monologue. Rather than going on to describe the air, say what she is actually thinking and feeling. That's what we want to know--how it affects her.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else about the dialogue. I think it should probably all be reworked.