TITLE: The Rogue King
GENRE: Fantasy/Sci-fi
During his first lesson at the academy (a sort of magical aptitude test), Kael finds himself accidently ‘popping' into Joha Dia, the Shadow World. In trying to get back, he alerts everyone to his talents.
Kael tried the same method, closing his eyes in hope that it would help. Screams of fear and surprise told him it had worked before he opened his eyes. The world was bright again. A gentle wind stirred the air. The people were no longer blurs. Most importantly, the vampire horse had vanished from normal sight. Klif was still there, he could sense him standing just on the other side.
"Shadow speaker," Eltina hissed. The air around her began to swirl as she lost her hold on the elemental magic that flowed through every equinean's veins. Her eyes were focused on the ground before him.
Fresh dread gripping his heart, he looked down. Black tendrils of smoke curled around his feet, caressing calves and tail before dissipating. Insides turning as cold as ice, he fled the fields, not stopping until he was back in his room.
He'd heard tales of dark borns snatching people into Joha Dia and had thought – he'd hoped, prayed even – that Klif had just been playing a trick on him. But this. This wasn't fair! He hadn't asked to be branded like this. He would've preferred having no magic. How was he going to explain being a speaker to the monsters that lived in the shadows?
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm confused, but in a good way! I love things to do with shadows, and it sounds like this is a really rich world you've created. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteIs he a horse? From the way this reads, it feels like the characters are horses. Maybe that's just me. If they aren't horses, maybe you should clarify (unless I'm just insane or something). Other than that, I liked it.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little confused, but then most fantasy confuses me. I get the feeling your main character is not human, that all the characters are some kind of animal?
ReplyDeleteBut the writing is nice...
Ah, I knew there was something I was missing in the lead-in. It was the first time I've done this and was trying to keep it short as I'm fully aware I ramble on when it comes to describing the people of this particular story.
ReplyDeleteStill, I'm glad that, even without the explanation, people could pick my MC isn't human (not horse either ;) though Eltina is a ... simplified ... centaur-like being). It's explained much earlier on in the past chapter(s) so I couldn't squeeze it in here. To clarify on Kael's species, again simply, he's a lizard-man.
I found this interesting and liked the idea of a shadow world, but the revelation didn't come off as big. When he returns, it's to screams of fear and surprise, and then you jump to describing the scenery. Perhaps stay with the people for a few sentences. (Especially if we've already seen this place before he left) Let us hear what they're actually saying. Maybe say why they fear what he's just done. The bigger deal they make of it, the bigger it will be for the reader. As is, it's glossed over so has little effect.
ReplyDeleteLoved the black tendrils at his feet!
I agree with Barbara--I want the revelation to be more... revelatory. Show us the onlookers' reactions instead of jumping into description. Maybe the bright world and gentle wind can come before the screams of fear?
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued and confused, but the confusion happens when I'm dropped into a fantasy world. I'd keep reading, as I'm willing to bet the worldbuilding is fantastic. Nice work!
Same as what Barbara said about the screams. Also, with the "Fresh dread gripping" and the "Insides turning," those -ing verbs at the start of the sentences are taking away from the tension. Yes, we're told to vary sentence structure, but those do not tend to work at the beginnings of sentences when you're introducing a new situation with tension.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others about your MC not seeming quite shocked enough. I mean, he was seeing vampire horses... that's pretty shocking. He seems more upset than even frightened.
ReplyDeleteBarbara, Jess: I've been mulling over your words all day. Ended up adding a paragraph with his friends' reactions, so thank you. :)
ReplyDeleteChristine, markmurata: I get where both of you're coming from. As I said before, first time partisipating in anything here (to be honest, I didn't believe I'd get in), so I've made quite a few mistakes in the lean-in part. The vampire horse is an old friend, his 'bond mate'. And upset really is the closest I could get to "revelation" with a 250 word limit. Now I look back on the section, I see I should've picked the piece a little higher up, when he enters the shadow world. He's more shocked there.
Ah well, we learn from our mistakes. I thank all of you for all your opinions though.
I liked a lot of this, though I had some hiccups. Like I really liked the black shadows around his calves, but his decision to bolt seemed very fast. Maybe a quick note of his own reaction to the tendrils (I guess that's his insides going cold, but I didn't understand that as a reaction because I thought the tendrils were just description, not revelation).
ReplyDeleteI had trouble imagining the air swirling, cuz air's invisible. Maybe describe what it does--tosses her hair or some items of clothing.
And the last line confused me (though probably a side effect of being dropped in the middle). Who, exactly, does he have to explain being a speaker to? I thought his problem was with the "normal" people, not the shadow people.
Didn't like "IT would help" and "IT had worked" so close and early on. Liked "the world was bright again", gives a hint of where he came from. "Fresh dread gripping his heart" wasn't rationalized. I had no idea why he was suddenly scared--the reaction is just in the wrong place...and then I just felt confused through the rest. I don't have a real grasp on what's going on when it says he fled back to his room, I thought he popped himself into the world by closing his eyes. And I don't know who Eltina is, why she's suddenly there and suddenly gone. And the last line I just don't understand at all.
ReplyDeleteI think the problem is that the scene just moved too quickly. He's happy, scared, then frustrated all in a 4 short paragraphs so I really don't know where he is and what's happening. It seems like this is supposed to an intense turning point, so let us take time with it to absorb the 'doom and gloom' Kael's facing. And way-cool fantasy world!
Adam: ---I had trouble imagining the air swirling, cuz air's invisible. Maybe describe what it does--tosses her hair or some items of clothing.---
ReplyDeleteYou've a point there. Thank you. I'll give this some thought as to just what she'll move.
tanyamaikai: As I've said. I've make a fair few mistakes to my choice. This piece is near the end of the scene, and on either side of it are two large paragraphs (hence the "IT"s). One explains how he used the magic and the other goes into the danger he imagines himself to be in (I guess that would be the 'doom and gloom' you're talking about). Either one would've thrown my entry way above the 250 word limit.
That being said, I take in everything people say and pour over the points made. How else could one improve ones work without such input?
Your descriptions are lovely, and the writing is very good. The magic, especially, was explained well for the scene.
ReplyDeleteI, too, was confused by who/what the MC was, but it didn't keep me from reading on! (I agree--it's tough to drop in the middle of a scene.)