TITLE: Tangled
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Fay and her "ex-boyfriend" Tenoa, are discussing her guardian angel Ruoga. It's turned a bit ugly, me thinks.
Fay scowled and leaped into a run. But, apparently, demons have pretty quick reaction time, because a second later Tenoa had her in a gentle choke hold and was yanking her backward toward him.
"He's constantly happy and wears long sleeves in the summer. He's hiding something."
"I'm glad he's happy, at least someone is. And maybe he doesn't want sunburn. Now let go."
Tenoa twisted a piece of her hair around his finger. "You smell better than I remembered."
"That doesn't flatter me," said Fay, failing miserably at sounding indifferent. His lips brushed the side of her neck, sending her heart in a frenzy, with her lungs struggling to keep up. She let out a pleading whine, a mix of pain and disgust and pleasure.
Tenoa chuckled. "Does Ruoga ever get that reaction out of you?"
"S-stop it," she said meekly.
"You get embarrassed far too easily; it's not conducive to my lifestyle." He released her casually. "Anyway, I'm just looking out for you, kid. I don't want him to hurt you like he hurt... well, when he brings up the subject next time you see him, ask him about your father and watch his reaction. Then you'll see what I mean."
Fay turned away from him quickly and closed her eyes tight. He's lying! Ruoga would never--
"You'll see." And then he was gone.
Fay trembled. He was lying. He had to be lying...
But she had a deep feeling that he wasn't.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Can I just say I LOVE this! Just your intro line to show where we were in the story made me want to read more. My favorite part was this one: "That doesn't flatter me," said Fay, failing miserably at sounding indifferent. His lips brushed the side of her neck, sending her heart in a frenzy, with her lungs struggling to keep up. She let out a pleading whine, a mix of pain and disgust and pleasure.
ReplyDeleteTenoa chuckled. "Does Ruoga ever get that reaction out of you?"
It was so real, I could feel her struggle to not like him and to not show him how much he effects her, but also the history between them. that's hard to show when you're just dropping a reader in the middle of a scene. I would for sure read this!
I like this one.
ReplyDeleteJust watch the tenses in the first line - I think it should be 'demons had' instead of 'have'.
'gentle chokehold' and 'yanking her backward' threw me for a second, just getting my head around how it could be both gentle, and yanking, which is something I would associate with being quite forceful.
I love the interaction between the two characters here.
The revelation is not what I was expecting it to be. I think it's interesting how her feeling change so drastically - I can't quite decide whether I like it, or whether it's too sudden.
I do really want to know what's going on with her father though, and why Ruoga would react strangely to it.
I like it! I agree with Alisa regarding "gentle"; I find it hard to believe that a chokehold involving yanking can be gentle.
ReplyDeleteI hope that there has been some indication earlier that her father is involved, because otherwise I think the revelation might be too sudden.
I'd read this, though. Great job!
Okay, I really really like this one. Great voice, writing, dialogue, it all seems really fun. I'd read more. Just a couple of quick little line changes -
ReplyDeleteFirst line, I would find some other way to say it than she 'leaped into a run.' Totally subjective, and a lot of people won't see a problem with it, but potentially its a strange mental image, the reader briefly struggling to reconcile the image of someone leaping with someone running. Just word choice, again, not a deal breaker but if you can find another way to say it, it might work better.
Only other change I would suggest is 'she had a deep feeling it wasn't.' Again, its just word choice I think is tripping you up. Deep just seems like an odd word to describe it - maybe an unsettling feeling? A suspicious feeling? An ominous feeling? Deep just isn't the kind of descriptor that works best for feelings, I don't think. Again though, subjective.
I thought the reveal was okay but could have been stronger. Her reaction didn't seem realistic. If someone told you one of your friends had hurt your father, would you turn around, shut your eyes and think he was lying, or would you face him and ask questions. How does he know that? How did it happen? etc., Maybe get some of that in, then Tenoa can disappear and then she can think he's lying and do all her wondering.
ReplyDeleteI liked what you were doing with the rest of it, but again, thought it could be stronger. Kalen mentioned word choices, which would help. You might also remember that Fay is in a chokehold. How easy would it be for her to speak? And in a chokehold, she'd be right beside Tenoa, so why is he yanking her back to him? How does she feel in that position?
This scene could be two people at a table talking because there's nothing here to remind us of the odd position they're really in as they're having the conversation. Adding more of those kinds of details would make it stronger.
Very nice - I agree with the previous comments about the chokehold.
ReplyDeleteCan you replace "meekly" with something better? Is she really meek? Is she pretending?
I had no idea of setting, but of course it might be there before this excerpt.
I am intrigued to know why her embarrassment is not conducive to his lifestyle.
One nit - delete "apparently" in the second sentence. Presumably the MC is aware of a demon's capabilities considering he's her ex. Then you can break up that long sentence, good anyway in an action scene.
"...she said meekly."
ReplyDelete"He released her casually."
"Fay turned away from him quickly..."
These adverbs aren't doing you any favors. They're telling when you could show us with more power. And I don't necessarily associate meekness with being embarrassed.
Sounds like a cool plot and intriguing characters. Just give us some language to show off those strengths.
nice!
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