GENRE: YA Fantasy
On her sixteenth birthday, Siria Nightingale discovers she has a magical connection with the sun, but she has never in her life so much as seen the sun. In a kingdom whose enchanted darkness is unending and impenetrable, Siria must learn from those who still remember the days before the Darkness, and discover what it means to be a Sunchild. She flees boarding school with her best friend Linden Hatch, but begins to be overwhelmed as her powers manifest themselves for the first time.
"Siria, listen."
"No!" she shouted. The fever inside her had erupted into flame. "What else have you lied about?"
But Linden's face was suddenly showing more than just astonishment. A rare trace of fear was flickering in his green eyes, which Siria realized she could see very clearly. His entire face was lit by a bright golden light, which illuminated the boat around him and the lapping waves behind it. Siria whirled for the source, but behind her was only the dim lantern she had hung on the prow. And yet the light shone here, too.
With a rush of shock, Siria realized.
She held up her hands and gaped at them. They were glowing fire-bright, as if lit from within by a hundred candles. Her face and hair were, she realized, doing the same thing, bathing the boat and everything around it in light. After a moment she was dimly aware of Linden releasing the rudder and getting carefully to his feet. The boat quivered beneath his unsteady weight, but he stepped forward to the middle, a few inches in front of Siria, and grasped her uplifted hands in his.
She barely had enough time to register that he was somehow shorter than usual before he pulled down firmly on her hands, and she felt her whole body sink almost a foot through thin air. With a soft bump, her booted feet came to rest once again on the floor of the boat.
She swayed.
Sunchildren can fly.
I like this excerpt a lot, and I love the title! I think there are some parts of narrative filtering that could be deleted. Filtering is basically when you're filtering your viewpoint character by using things like "she saw" or "she heard". For example, instead of, "She saw him walking down the street," you would say, "He was walking down the street."
ReplyDeleteIn the second paragraph, in the second sentence, I think you could cut out, "which Siria realized she could see very clearly." It's a bit redundant.
In the fourth sentence of the second paragraph, I think you're missing the word "around", or something similar. It says, "Siria whirled for the source", when I think you might have meant "Siria whirled around for the source." Even with the change, it isn't much clearer, so I'd suggest just changing it to "Siria whirled around..." We can tell that she's looking for the source just from the context of the sentence.
The sentence, "With a rush of shock, Siria realized," doesn't make much sense. What does Siria realize? Or is she just realizing something?
In the fifth paragraph, third sentence, you could probably cut out "she realized" again.
Cutting out these narrative filters puts the readers more inside of Siria's head, instead of having everything told to them.
Overall, great excerpt! I loved, "the fever inside her erupted to flame". :)
I'm glad I read Brittany's comment first because she hit on every phrase I was going to point out myself, but she knew how to explain why they didn't sit well. So I'm just supporting that what Brittany suggests is true :)
ReplyDeleteMake the adjustments, and you'll smooth out the scene for the reader to 100% enjoy because what happens here is pretty dang cool. :)
Haha yeah, I am way too slow! Everyone's beating me to all the good crits and I sound like a broken record! So let me just say that I would read this in a heart beat. You need some edits, just line revisions like outlined above, but you have a fascinating premise, world, magic and your character seems very clearly fleshed out in your head, that's evident even from this.
ReplyDeleteGood work and good luck with this!
Amazing.
ReplyDeleteI would change "her booted feet" to "her boots" or "her feet". Her booted feet sounds awkward.
But overall, the best I've read yet.
Omigosh, I love this!
ReplyDeleteGreat excerpt, and really unique premise!
ReplyDeleteI keep getting caught on 'the fever inside her erupted into flame'. My first assumption is this is a metaphor for anger, but then reading on further, and she is literally alight, it seems there could be confusion here. It may be perfectly clear to everyone else though, that's just my opinion.
I agree with Brittany on the 'rush of shock' part.
Really great job, good luck!
The premise reminds me of "All summer in a day" by Ray Bradbury. Very different from this, but still good company.
ReplyDeleteI won't repeat the stellar crits and accolades above, just add that the MC doesn't know she can fly, only that she can float (as in, a hot air balloon doesn't fly, it can only get pushed about by the wind). Of course it may turn out that she can fly, but wouldn't know that yet. Just floating with no control (Linden had to pull her down) would be terrifying.
Echoing the crits above. I also wanted to say I really appreciated the subtle details and discoveries of the MC as she learned about the new situation.
ReplyDeleteA simple line edit making the language active instead of passive will really tighten it up. For example...I'd take it even one step further than the notes above. Instead of, "She saw him walking down the street" going to, "He was walking down the street"...make it active...He walked down the street.
I thought this was a great concept, and the reveal works, but it could be better. As others have pointed out, the issues are in the writing, not the idea. The piece is telling and passive.
ReplyDeleteAn example - parg 3 could read --
A trace of fear flickered in Lnden's eyes, and his entire face glowed with a bright golden light, illuminating the boat and the lapping waves behind it. Siria whirled around, searching for the source of the light, but all she saw was the dim lantern hanging on the prow. And yet the light shone there, too.
Basically, I've taken out all the explaining. Explanations are the author inserting themselves into the story. As a general rule of thumb, you want to do as little of that as possible. Every time you explain something, the story stops.
WIth a rush of shock, SIria realized. -- This is your reveal, and while we can easily get what you mean, we don't see or feel anything. Describe her shock. Is she speechless. DOes her body go numb? Give us something to see or feel. And rather than say she realized, give us an actual thought. OMG! It's me!
An easy way to find passive sentences is to look for 'was' and 'were' and 'ing' words. An example - They were glowing fire-bright. That's you telling us. Cut the 'were' and change the 'ing' word to an 'ed' word. They glowed fire-bright. Now her hands are actually glowing.
Having said all that, this really is a great idea that caught my interest as is. Making it active will just make it stronger