TITLE: Of wishes made
GENRE: YA urban fantasy
Faelan stands in the middle of an open mall mingling with shoppers, his presence attracting no attention. Humans instinctually avoid touching him.
He held still and inhaled again, drinking in, absorbing their life force. Like touching a single drop of dew from a field of wildflowers, the amount was minute, hardly noticeable to them. In response, they unconsciously avoided him, the core of what made them human making them swerve and shun. He remained immobile, confident no one would touch him…
A collision hit him from behind jarring him forward.
“Sorry,” said an accusatory voice. “I didn't see you standing there like a post."
He lurched forward then swiveled to stare at the young, dark-haired woman who had barreled into him. Her eyes narrowed in irritation but that gave way almost immediately as she searched his face. Concern then eye-widening fear chased each other across her face. But the emotions came so quick, he nearly missed them in the resulting flash of determination. She closed the distance between them then reached out one slender hand to steady him, her teeth clenched.
He shrugged mentally then braced for her reaction. Some humans were slow learners.
Warm fingers gripped his forearm, sliding down to brush the back of his hand.
The woman opened her hand and released him.
She lifted one shoulder when he remained silent and regarded him with dark eyes nearly level with his. The teal collar of her shirt gaped showing a fine gold chain resting in the hollow of her throat, the skin rising and falling with her respiration.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm intrigued, but I kept waiting for the revelation to come and it didn't. I mean, yeah, a human-who-might-not-be-all-human-or-just-special just touched him, but...why? I don't know what Faelan is, which I think is necessary to really understand the tension in this scene, which is also a bit lacking b/c of Faelan's reaction. He's awfully blase about being nearly run over by someone who shouldn't want to touch him.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like he would do more than just "shrug mentally" if he's expecting a bad reaction from her. Could he maybe flinch instead? It's that one line that kind of killed the tension for me.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above. Intriguing for sure. If humans never touch him shouldn't he be shocked, maybe even afraid? The only other thing I noticed is a fair amount of -ly adverbs. I'm not an adverb hater, but I think in this case removing them could help tighten the piece and in turn up the pacing.
ReplyDeleteHmm. There seems to be a lot of tension, but I wasn't sure about the revelation. Also, be careful of vague pronouns. Lots of "him" and "they" and "her" takes away from the power of the narrative.
ReplyDeleteI love the mysterious, heated personality of the woman though. She seems very powerful.
One thing, your MC's thoughts sound very serious and not as teenager-ish as I'd expect a YA to sound.
A collision hit him from behind jarring him forward.
ReplyDelete'A collision' makes it sound like a shopping cart or something, he would know it was a body from the shape of the thing hitting him.
Collision and hit together seems redundant. Try: A body collided with his back, jarring him forward.
Her whole reaction to him confuses me. If I ran into someone I wouldn't be grabbing their hand and brushing my fingers on it.
...the skin rising and falling with her respiration. this makes it sound as if her skin is the only thing rising and falling like it is separate from her body.
I love the MC's name and the premise sounds interesting.
I don't see a revelation here. This just seems like an initial encounter.
ReplyDeleteA couple things about the writing threw me off. Why are her teeth clenched when she steadies him?
Also, there are some logistical problems. First she runs into him. Next he turns around to look at her. Then she grabs him to keep him form falling down. He starts to fall after he turns around and studies her face? Doesn't make sense.
I didn't see a revelation here.
ReplyDeleteThe collision is what stood out to me most. He gets hit from behind and is jarred forward. The girl makes her comment. Now he lurches forward, but nothing is propelling him. The collision is over. He turns around and studies this woman for several moments, and then is suddenly falling and needs to be supported. As Duwar said, it doesn't make sense.
And in the end, all the MC does is stand there. It's the girl who is doing things, speaking, acting in an interesting way. Phaelon doesn't even react when she touches him, and if he's never been touched by a human, it would seem he would react in some way.
Overall, I'd say the scene needs another revision or two.
The passage is very gripping, though I think we only made it to *just before* the reveal. Why was this woman touching him when humans avoid him? These two have a chemistry, though, that makes for a good read. I like how she moved closer even after fear spread across her face.
ReplyDeleteOne thing: Jarring him forward/he lurched forward-> A bit redundant. Consider changing one.
Best of luck!