TITLE: The Descent of Chris Chappell
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
Wizards have silver eyes. Chris is not a wizard, unlike the rest of his family, but he normally wears silver contacts to make it seem like he is. He thought he had taken his contacts out, but when he looked in the mirror he saw silver eyes.
My contact holders are on the counter. I try to unscrew the top, but my hands are trembling. I need to get a hold of myself. I need to calm down. But I can't. This might be happening.
The top comes off, and I stare at the small convex piece of plastic floating in clear fluid. I pick it up and see the ring of silver coloring. Here is my contact. On my finger. Not in my eye.
"Holy crap. Holy crap. Holy crap." I keep repeating the words over and over again, staring into the mirror at my silver irises. This can't be real. I must be dreaming.
Distantly I hear someone knocking on the door and calling my name. I know I should respond, but I can't.
My contact falls off my finger, and I grip the bathroom counter to steady myself. I should recover my contact, but I can't tear my eyes away from the mirror to look.
My vision suddenly gets blurred, and I think that it must be a dream. This is the point where I wake up. Then I feel a tear drip down my cheek. It's not a dream fading to black. It's tears. I'm crying from
happiness. I thought only girls did that.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I really like the emotion in this. In fact, my reaction to that last line was 'AWWW' and I wanted to give him a hug lol. I don't even know this character, and I'm already so happy for him. Great job.
ReplyDeleteWow, this really held my attention, and I liked the emotion in the scene. Great premise, too. I'd love to finish reading how this played out.
ReplyDeleteGood job!
I liked this a lot. The emotion was very clear and the voice is strong. The only thing that bugged me was the constant repetition of the word 'contact'. Maybe use lens a couple of times or something, just for a change.
ReplyDeleteI was really hooked by this one. I tried to come up with something constructive to say. But I couldn't. I just loved it!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others. I love this and want to read more!
ReplyDeleteHard to find anything I'd improve on. Love it and want more.
ReplyDeleteJust a personal nit. Where MC says:
"Holy crap. Holy crap. Holy crap." I keep repeating the words over and over again...
You repeat the words in the dialogue AND say the MC repeats the words over and over... Feels redundant. Maybe say the words once, then say he repeats them over and over, or visa versa. I prefer the former as I tend to skip over repeated dialogue.
What a great scene and a satisfying revelation.
ReplyDeleteI'm really glad it *wasn't* a dream. That would have made me mad! ;)
When I read this, something seemed to click together inside. I totally relate to your MC, which makes him all the more believable.
ReplyDeleteGood job!
LOVED this. Totally had me, held my attention from the blurb at the top.
ReplyDeleteI can't stand present tense, but this didn't smack me in the face with it the way it usually does.
Great job.
This is really well done. I love the line: "Here is my contact. On my finger. Not in my eye." For some reason, the present tense really makes that line pop.
ReplyDeleteI didn't like the line of dialog so much. It felt a bit much, but then again I don't really know this character. It may be that fits his voice perfectly. But everything else here is awesome.
And I'm hooked: I want to know how and if he's going to share his excitement with everyone else, because doing so means admitting he's been lying this whole time.
Ok, I like this for so many reasons. First off, I like that it seems different than so many urban fantasies out there, especially the YA ones. Don't see any tropes off the bat here. Your voice is great, age appropriate and very natural. Great job conveying emotion, definitely a strength of yours.
ReplyDeleteI really have no criticisms!
This was a great reveal, I thought. You had a short build-up that was filled with tension and suspense. And his reaction was perfect. First there's the doubt mixng with it wanting to be real, and then it is real, and then the tears. I thought the last line was great because it brings us back to reality and adds a bit of levity to the scene.
ReplyDeleteA few nits --
but my hands are trembling.//but my hands tremble
cut two 'Holy craps'and the word 'again' at the end of the next sentence.
Distantly I hear someone knocking on the door and calling my name. I know I should respond, but I can't.//Distantly, someone knocks on the door and calls my name. I should respond, but I can't.
My vision suddenly gets blurred, and I think that it must be a dream.//My vision blurrs and I think it must be a dream.
cut 'It's tears.'//We know. The tear just dripped down his face.
I like this. I feel like the emotion is very genuine. I really want to know what happens next!
ReplyDeleteHoly crap, holy crap, holy crap- this is good!
ReplyDeleteI didn't mind the repeating HC, because it seems so real to me, especially when I drop my contacts (the non-silver variety).