TITLE: A Delicious Misunderstanding
GENRE: MG
Ivan was not having a very good day. His parents had kicked him out of the house, it was snowing, and a mysterious, robed man was chasing him through the woods.
"Get away!" Ivan yelled. He grabbed a stick from the ground and held it out like a sword.
"Stop being silly, Ivan," said the man, suddenly materializing in front of him. "I was just trying to scare you. Now put the stick down. You're going to poke out an eye with that thing." As the man leaned forward, an eye fell out of his hood. He held it up for Ivan to see before popping it back in.
"I said get away!" said Ivan, almost tripping over his own feet.
"And I said put the stick down! It's a very dangerous item. If you broke it in half, for instance, it would be terrible."
Ivan looked at the stick in his hands, and then back up at the shadowy figure. Although he couldn't see the man's face, Ivan felt evil emanating from him. Raising the stick above his head, he brought it crashing down over his knee.
"Help!" Ivan said, suddenly falling as if the earth had opened up under him. He looked up to see the robed figure jump into the hole after him. The man turned two neat somersaults before coming even with Ivan.
"I told you not to break that stick in half. Two halves make a whole, or a hole. Whichever one it is, you fell in."
Miss Snark's First Victim
Clever ending! But it took until then for me to feel engaged. I know MG has to move fast but this seemed like too fast--the back story was a distraction. Focusing on what is happening in the woods would work better, perhaps? Then the details of why he is there can be sprinkled in casually later. Oh and LOVE the title. LOVE!
ReplyDeleteOh my, I cannot tell you how much I loved the last sentence! The robed figure has some great dialogue. A lot of awesome stuff here and I think for MC the pace seems just right.
ReplyDeleteTightening/Editing suggestions:
-Remove 'had' from the first sentence (which is very strong, by the way)
-'Brandished it' in place of 'held it out' like a sword. I don't think that's too advanced for MG, but what do I know? :P
-As the man leaned forward, an eye fell out of his hood. He held it up for Ivan to see before popping it back in.<<Can we see the man pick up the eye first?
-You go between dialogue tags that state the name first followed by the verb to the other way around. For example:
"Get away!" Ivan yelled.
"I said get away!" said Ivan (instead of Ivan said) I'd pick one style and stick to it.
-Raising the stick above his head, he brought it crashing down over his knee.<<-The 'ing' verb at the start of this sentence has to carry through the whole sentence, as it suggests being done simultaneously, however he can't really raise the stick above his head at the same time as he crashes it down over his knee. A little trick to see if your 'ing' starting sentence makes sense: see if you can write 'while' at the start, and if not, your sentence doesn't make sense.
Great work here and thanks so much for sharing it. :)
I'm confused and fee rushed. Even if MG is fast paced, this is too fast. You dump parents that sent out their child into a clod and potentially dangerous winter night, and give no reason for it. Instead you add a stranger, maybe evil, and a stick that does funny things. I'm not hooked. Maybe, I'd read some more to see where this is going because I really liked the MC voice.
ReplyDeleteI love the last line and I'm curious to see where the hole takes them.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I'm wondering if you started the story a bit late. If you showed his parents kicking him out, I suspect it would raise the tension.
Also I think you could cut almost all of the dialogue tags (the 'saids' and 'yelled'). This would speed your action and also elimate some of the word repetition.
I also liked the last line but it felt like you edited out some of the story to get to it. I think the editing suggestions given by Ramona Dark and patesden might allow you the room to put in the reason why he was kicked out of the house.
ReplyDeleteI didn't think knowing why he was kicked out of the house was important at all at this point. I thought you could perhaps drop that altogether and start with him running through the woods and being chased by this figure.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that it moves too fast. Perhaps slow it down by adding some description. WHat does the figure look like? ARe the woods dark and creepy? What's it like falling down that hole? The description will add mood and tone that will give it texture, a sense of time and place that will make this scene seem much more real and whole, or hole. :-)
Great last parg!
Agreed! That last sentence is super fun. But was it "as if" the earth opened up under him, or did it actually open up under him. The answer is the latter, so nix the "as if."
ReplyDeleteMore importantly, with those first two sentences, you have no tension. Without them, you have lots of tension, right from the get go. Cut them and introduce that information where appropriate.
ReplyDeletenice!
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