TITLE: Dragon in Trouble
GENRE: Middle Grade Fantasy
When a magnificent Indigo Dragon like me wakes from his nap, he has only one thing on his mind--snack time!
I flew out of my seaside cavern, slitting my eyes against the bright afternoon sun. Waves rippled in the bay and splashed on the white, empty beach. I dived and skimmed the water just for fun. A wave surged up and crashed over my face.
"Pitooey!" I snorted and spat out salt water. Enough fooling around. I was hungry.
The seagulls laughed as I headed for Crissela's wizard tower. They didn't bother me. I was a magnificent Indigo Dragon! I stretched my stupendous wings wide and beat the air with strong, even strokes. The sun warmed my gleaming scales and the rushing wind dried my handsome snout.
Soon the tower's curved stone walls rose above the pine forest. I circled, spying through the huge, open windows. I could see Crissela's red braids dangling over the back of the tapestry chair. I knew I'd have to be very quiet and still. I swooped in and crouched on the green marble tiles, trying not to drool.
I opened my jaws wide and CRUNCH! My diamond teeth sank into my snack.
"Dragon?" Crissela peered over the chair at me. "Can't you crunch more quietly? You know I'm studying for my Exam."
"Sorry," I mumbled. "But these hot coals are crunchy." I snapped up another mouthful and crushed the blazing charcoal nuggets into powdery ash. Yum!
Miss Snark's First Victim
The voice doesn't work for me in this. The dragon comes across as too narcissistic. I don't know if that's what you're going for because he develops and becomes more likable due to the events of the story. However, descriptions like handsome, stupendous, and magnificent (twice) make me dislike that character instead of admiring him. Plus, those are all telling and not showing.
ReplyDeleteAlong the same lines, the passage is a bit wordy. "I could see" and "I knew" could be removed from the fifth paragraph and the writing would e tightened.
The beginning wasn't quite logical. You say the dragon is only interested in a snack, but he ignores that and goofs off first. Since you led with a sentence about a desire for a snack, I expected the dragon to look for a snack, not start goofing off.
The voice sounds a little young for MG. More like chapter book to me.
"Crunch" is used 3 times in the last 3 paragraphs. Perhaps vary the word choice.
My favorite sentence was "I snapped up another mouthful and crushed the blazing charcoal nuggets into powdery ash." I thought that was well done with great imagery.
Thanks for sharing!
this is charming and playful. It's MG, so I'm thinking it'd be read by younger kids 9-10 yo. One suggestion: Ditch the very first sentence. You don't need it, and it starts better w/the second~
ReplyDeleteBest! :o)
I LOVED the "misdirect" that you give us! For a second I thought the dragon was going to eat the wizard/witch/wahtever-person. heehee.
ReplyDeleteNot sure about the first paragraph. Also, is Crisella a wizard or a witch? A little confused on gender there.
Overall I like the last few paragraphs, but I'm not a fan of the opening ones.
Best of luck!
This is really cute. Watch the overuse of adjectives - something I am also guilty of. And this may just be me, but the voice sounded a little young for MG. My son is 9, and the books he reads have an older voice than this. This sounds like beginning chapter book to me. For a younger audience, maybe 5-7 year olds, it seems like the start of a lovely whimsical tale.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I like the idea but I'm not hooked.
ReplyDeleteWriting from the POV of a non-human is difficult. You need to insert enough sensations that are different from what we know yet you need to keep the dragon human enough so kids can relate. I don't think you're there quite yet, although this is intriguing. The dragon comes over a little vain (which might be what you were looking for) but you use none of the senses beside sight in this scene. Especially with a dragon, I'd expect that he's sees, smells, tastes and feels different from humans. Good luck with it.
I agree that the voice sounds too young, but I didn't have a problem with him thinking he was so wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI think what's missing is the hint at a plot. There are no clues as to where this is going. What's the underlying problem or issue? The dragon woke wanting a snack. He got one. Problem solved. So we need a new problem as incentive to turn the page. Get whatever your story is about onto the first page.
This is 100% about me, but I don't connect with dragon stories. I just don't and never did, even as a kid. I wouldn't read on. Other agent may, though. It's got a cuteness about it that can work.
ReplyDelete