TITLE: Dust to Dust
GENRE: YA Fantasy
For my sixteenth birthday, my oldest brother tried to kill me again.
I was at Starbuck's getting a celebratory scone when the shadows peeled off the walls and came for me. I cursed and dove for the floor. The hot chick waiting in front of me turned, eyebrows raised over heavily made up eyes. Her perfect lips parted. For a split second I fantasized she was about to ask what I was doing later. Wait, nope, I wasn't getting laid anytime soon. That was actually her screaming because magic shadows were slashing through the fabric of her Grateful Dead t-shirt. One more reason to hate my brother.
I grabbed her leg and yanked her down to the floor with me. Terror was the coffee shop's new special of the day as patrons and employees stampeded for the exit. I suffered a few accidental kicks crab-walking me and my damsel in distress under the nearest table. Which was - wait for it - yup, full of shadows.
Brilliant, Micah.
A midnight black hand reached for my ankle and I tapped my own magic. Dust raced from every corner of the room and stormed the air in furious clouds. The shadows kept coming, undeterred - and Mom wondered why I had insecurity issues. Trent could kill with shadows. Serena could drown you with your own tears. Alice walked through mirrors, Dennis could pull blood from a stone, but me? Oh yeah. Fear the mystic might of my magical dust bunnies!
Lame.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Very hook-y opening sentence! I like the off-beat, sarcastic tone. And you've sucked me in straight off with the world-building. Poor Micah, stuck with the lamest of magic powers. ;) I want to know the backstory of their family, and why his brother wants to kill him. Yup, I'd definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteA few things could use polishing. I was kind of confused with the "crab-walking" sentence - I had to read it a few times to get the meaning right. I think you would definitely benefit from reading your writing out loud to pick up on any awkward phrasings, especially since this narrator has such an informal style. Anyway, great work!
Ok, this is awesome. Me wants to read more, please :3 Nothing more to say, except I wish I were a part of that family.
ReplyDeleteLove the voice. I recognize your first line from somewhere else...
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I got to read more. I felt ever-so-slightly lost in para two. Maybe even if he had the thought - shadows - my brother - and then continued on in the train of thought.
This is exactly the kind of voice I like to read. If I picked up this book in B and N, and read the first page, I'd have to take it home. Well... depending on the cover, of course ;)
This is brilliant. And I love the sarcasm and tone of this story. Plus - I already get what's at stake and how unique this plot will be. Love it.
ReplyDeleteHowever - the only thing that threw me off was the Grateful Dead T-shirt. This is targeted towards Young Adults - will the majority of teens today know who the Grateful Dead are?
(No hating - but I had to Google who they were. And now my image of the girl has changed. I imagine her quite a bit older.)
Interesting observation about the Grateful Dead T-shirt. I missed that. (but then. I'm old :)
ReplyDeleteI, too, stopped to try and work out the crab-walking scenario.
Regardless, I am hooked.
Will repeat from the others. Awesome. Would read this book in a heartbeat. Nice job, fab set up, solid writing!
ReplyDeleteGreat job! I usually don't like snarky, but in this case the narrator was self-deprecating enough it worked for me. Loved the set up of all the siblings having superpowers. The crab-walking was a fun, unexpected image.
ReplyDeleteI will now start watching for this title so I can read it WHEN it gets published. I WILL buy this book.
ReplyDeletegood good good. Bravo! :o) <3
ReplyDeleteLoved this. Great voice, fabulous snark, fun and action in one. The crab-walking sentence threw me too. It was awkward and could stand some re-working. In response to the Grateful Dead comments, as long as the t-shirt SAID Grateful Dead, i think it would be okay. Some teens are into older music, so one character wearing something like that isn't out of the question IMO.
ReplyDeleteReally great voice. I especially liked the way he paused in the middle of mortal danger to think about the girl's lips and whether he could get her in bed. Totally nailed a 16-year old boy, magical or otherwise.
ReplyDeleteI'd absolutely love to read this. So, yeah. I'm hooked.
Loved the voice--I'd definitely keep reading! My only concern is that second line. 'Celebratory scone' put me immediately in a female character's head, and then I had to change that when the 'hot chick' was mentioned. Just a little bit of confusion right there at the beginning, which could be easily fixed, and the crab-walking line can probably be cleared up with a bit of rearranging. Those are the only things I saw. Again, I'd definitely keep reading! =)
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice here, I got a good sense of the character
ReplyDeleteMagical dust bunnies? Awesome. This is so fun.
ReplyDeleteLiked it, though I felt given the circumstances, the MC was a bit too blasé... perhaps the 'wait for it' bit threw the voice slightly into overkill for me. And, yeah, crab-walking needs reworking.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, nice work... would definitely keep reading.
I predict great things for "Dust to Dust"... from what I just read. The voice reminds me a little of Percy Jackson, but not too much. Great work!
ReplyDeleteGreat first sentence. I don't think the "lame" at the end is really necessary; it feels redundant from the sentence directly before it.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I think this is my favorite entry. Mostly because I have a hard time relating to teen male narrators, but I would keep reading this one.
(And I'm quite shocked that ANYONE young or old hasn't heard of the Grateful Dead?! What is this world coming to...)
Because you can never get enough compliments -- I was quickly scrolling through these entries earlier while I was standing in the middle of the street, and yours just popped from the rest of them. And there's some really great entries this round. :)
ReplyDeleteBest luck to you for this! The voice is incredible.
Sorry to jump on the bandwagon, but somehow I don't think you'll mind. ;-D
ReplyDeleteYeah, loved this. Great voice. Loved those last few lines. I have no problem with the Grateful Dead shirt, but the other tweaks mentioned above I agree with.
You are super close to awesomeness here! I look forward to reading this someday!
Hooked with nothing to add. Great writing and I'd love to see this published.
ReplyDeletespeaking as a 16-year-old teen, this is the one book i would continue reading out of all the samples here. the vivid setting, opening, and last couple sentences nailed it for me. plus i love how backstory was slipped in very subtly (the family info)!
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely one of my favorites. Very strong voice. The first sentence is definitely a grabber. IMHO, I think it would be even more catchy like this: "For my sixteenth birthday, my oldest brother tried to kill me. Again." I like the "Lame" at the end. It lends to the voice. I'd read on for sure.
ReplyDeleteWonderful humor and by the end, I wanted more. Loved the dust bunnies. My only suggestions are in the beginning of paragraph two where I felt an emotional reaction to the shadows was missing, and did everyone in Starbucks see the shadows? Otherwise this was very engaging. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice, great opening line. You had me both laughing out loud and stressed for your MC - that's pretty impressive for a fist 250.
ReplyDeleteMy only issue (and it's minor) is the crab-walking line - it really broke up the flow and could use a tweak.
The voice is great. Love the dust bunny line - would have bought it for that alone.
I would definitely read on, in fact, I'm kinda pissy I can't.
I love this opening. This is just the sort of story that would get me reading more. Yes, I'm hooked and ready to read on!
ReplyDeleteI really love the main character's voice in this very exciting scene. I would've expected more fear or emotion in him because he doesn't appear frightened. I'm guessing he's been in these situations before. I love that his power involves dust: "Fear the mystic might of my magical dust bunnies!" That's my favorite line in this opening.
ReplyDeleteI really like how you've combined action, magic, humor, and sarcasm in 250 words! I would definitely read more.
This was great! I did feel the tone didn't match what was happening, though. I wasn't sure if he brother was really trying to kill him or was just playing around. The fact that the poor girl beside him got torn bloody makes me think the former and so then his blase tone just didn't fit. But I loved that last paragraph. Good work!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely great first time. Nice why to hook everyone in. And I like the shadow concept and the author deftly set up the family and conflict in just a sentence or two. But I would dial back the snark about 25%--a little goes a long way--and I would cut the cliches (or the like) out of paragraph 2: "special of the day," "damsel in distress," "-wait for it-." These distract from the action and don't serve the prose. And I'll weigh in on the Grateful Dead thing--it's not that a teen wouldn't wear that, but would a hot girl? Not that she wouldn't like the Dead, but would it make a cute outfit? In my eye, no. It just seems like a random, out of place detail. Nit picks aside, I'd read more.
ReplyDeletetime = line in that first sentence. Doh!
ReplyDeleteWow, thanks so much to everyone's amazing feedback on this! You all are rockstars! I've already made changes based on most of your suggestions and to weigh in on the Grateful Dead T-shirt, the girl in question is a fan of old music and doesn't particularly care what she looks like - which is a big part of what makes her hot to Micah. But it did definitely make me think about that and whether or not it was an important part of the character. Focusing in on just the first 250 words like this reveals so much about your writing, story and characters, its really an amazing exercise.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeletenice!
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