TITLE: In a Pickle
GENRE: Middle Grade
Charlie Pickle led a difficult life, sharing his name with a delicatessen savory. That was strike one. The fact that he was an orphan? An easy strike two. Strike three: the minor detail that he inadvertently and quite punctually leapt back and forth through time.
Monday had been set in the late 1800s, while Wednesday took place in 1902. Friday was 1909, the year before his birth, and Sunday found him in 1915. That was yesterday. Today, July twelfth in good old 1920, found him in deeper trouble than he'd been in for a week.
Sister Mary Lou Ann, the newest nun, loomed over him. "Sister Mary Lee told me all about you," she said, her head bobbing. She looked like a demented penguin.
Charlie tried not to laugh. Laughing in these sorts of situations, he'd learned, never led to anything good. "I'm sure she did."
Lou Ann's glasses slid down her long, thin nose, and her eyes narrowed. "Are you sassing me?"
"No."
She pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes. "Someday, you and I need to have a talk."
At this point, any other boy would have made faces, gestured obscenely or left the room. Instead, Charlie tuned her out, adding the occasional, "Yes, ma'am," and its antithesis, "No, ma'am."
"Did you go to the pier?"
"No, ma'am."
"Were you alone?"
"Yes, ma'am." Charlie stole a glance at the clock on the wall. The time was a little after four, only eight hours before he disappeared.
Miss Snark's First Victim
You're opener made me smile, mostly because it's very catchy, but also because my married last name rhymes with a your MC's last name.:) That aside, I definitely read on based on the draw of the story. I think your first paragraph is very strong. IMHO, in the second para there are maybe one too many "days/years travelled to" mentioned. I had to read it again to get it straight. And in the line "laughing in these sorts of situations...", I think you can take out the "he'd learned". The line by itself tells us he's been in this kind of situation before. LOVE the last line. Things are clearly going to get interesting. Excellent stuff here!
ReplyDeleteFun! So fun... I was worried the bobbing in time in the first paragraph would get confusing but it was delightful! Although I would only use it sparingly... great job!
ReplyDeleteHa ha! I totally loved this! No suggestions . . . just that I'd love to buy this book!
ReplyDeleteFunny!I would read on.The second paragraph made me think this is set in the 1920s, but it's not, is it?
ReplyDeleteHmm... I do like this! I giggled at the Pickle. :o) Watch out in that second 'graph--too many ins. And I did get just a tad confused at first glance, but this sounds like a lot of fun~ :o) Best, <3
ReplyDeleteI really like this, it was interesting and funny the only suggestion I have is to take out some of the hard vocab words. You're writing for Middle Grade, I'm a teenager and I had to look up the definition of delicatessen. I think if you took out some of the bigger words then the voice will sound younger and more the boys age. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great opener! Love the premise. A winner!
ReplyDeleteI loved this, but the vocabulary is rather advanced for middle grade. I might sub deli for delicatessen, and though I really like the use of the word antithesis, I'd use opposite instead. A larger word here or there is good for building vocabulary, but include too many and lots of readers will give up rather than sit down to read this with a dictionary at the ready. =) That being said, I'd definitely keep reading. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love this. The voice is spot on, and I have to disagree about the vocabulary. Many MG books talk down, but I think sometimes we don't give kids enough credit. Good luck with this. I would love to read the whole thing.
ReplyDeleteHooked. Don't you think it's funny how many entries focus on time travel in one way or the other (I read from post 1 up)?
ReplyDeleteThis is well written and funny which is hard to do. And I like the MC already. I'd buy the book.
cute intro paragraph
ReplyDeleteshow us a demented penguin
Charlie tried not to laugh. Laughing in these sorts of situations, he'd learned, never led to anything good. "I'm sure she did."
laugh/laughing; suggest using one or the other and using a different word for the back-to-back words.
Lou Ann's glasses slid down her long, thin nose, and her eyes narrowed. "Are you sassing me?"
did her eyes narrow by themselves or did she narrow her eyes? also suggest either long or thin nose; two adjectives seems one too many; maybe choose something more descriptive, such as cucumber
She pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes. "Someday, you and I need to have a talk."
if she's leaning over him, how can he see what she's doing?
delete: At this point,
any other boy would have made faces, gestured obscenely or left the room.
any boy would dare gesture obscenely to a nun?
"Yes, ma'am." Charlie stole a glance at the clock on the wall. The time was a little after four, only eight hours before he disappeared.
like this paragraph; more of this, please
I like the opening paragraph. I could do without the 1st 3 sentences of the second one tho. I like it, but I don't love it. I want more of the first paragraph :)
ReplyDeleteThis is a fun read! I agree, maybe a little tightening of the second paragraph, but besides that I'd definitely read on. :)
ReplyDeleteI like the premise of popping off to different times periods on schedule. It could be fun, exciting and adventurous.
ReplyDeleteThis starts by saying he led a difficult life, and today, he was in deep trouble, but there's no hint of what that trouble is. The nun seems to be asking random questions. Perhaps say what it is that the nun thinks he's done. And Charlie isn't acting like a kid in trouble. He's pretty blase about the whole thing, like it happens a lot and he's used to it.
And he'd probably be saying "Yes, Sister" and "No Sister" as opposed to Ma'am. That's usually how nuns were addressed.
It has lots of potential, I think, but you may want to get something on the page that says where this is going. (Yes, he's going to travel in time, but does he like it? Does he want to try to stop it? Does he know why it happens? Is he trying to find out? That type of thing.)
Cute! I'd read more. I would suggest, too, though adding just a tiny bit more detail about the time travel. So, he time travels everyday, but just for a limit period of time (hence why the nun is asking him where he was)? If this happens daily, how does he get away with it at school (he obviously can't). I'm curious how this works out logistically for him, even a little more so than the time travel itself. I'm also curious to see how the narrative is sustained throughout. If he's not in the time time two days in a row, how can he work to achieve whatever the goal of the story is, and then what's the point of the time travel?
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeletenice!
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