TITLE: Best Friends Forever
GENRE: YA Paranormal Thriller
Sam's face blurred behind the cloud of smoke hovering in the still, cool air. Emily thought it made her look like an angel. If angels were Goth and wingless with a taste for whisky and weed.
Tara sat hip-to-hip with her dark hero in flawless skinny jeans and designer hoodie, poking random hanging O's with her impossibly long fingernails. Her skin was so tanned she made Sam look like a ghost. That was the point as far as anyone knew.
Madison took a delicate swig from the bottle and burped into her fist. She giggled before handing it to Emily. The smooth sides slipped in her fingers. She had to lift it with both hands. The familiar fire filled her mouth, burning a path to her stomach.
"To us!" Sam's black-rimmed eyes were bloodshot from the booze and the smoke. She handed off the joint to Tara who sucked at it eagerly, pink lip-gloss leaving a messy ring around the yellowing paper.
Emily hoisted the bottle and saluted, filling her mouth one last time before returning it to Madison who helped herself. Sam's belch was a work of art, echoing back from the trees. They all laughed. The small fire crackled in answer.
Emily discarded her sandals and extended her toes toward the flames, shivering as the dew-wet grass brushed the back of her bare thighs.
A train whistle mourned in the distance. Their ride was calling.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Oh, an edgy YA novel! How fun. I really, really liked your opening paragraph. This start definitely hooked me, but I will say that there are a few places that could stand to be tightened up. For example, the sequence where they pass each other the bottle, burp, and giggle gets a bit repetitious by the third girl. The last line was intriguing. Great work here and thanks for sharing :)
ReplyDeleteOooh, I'm getting a GREAT ominous vibe from this passage. This is not going to end well, and kudos to you for crafting that so delicately. The only thing I would say is beware of overwriting. I can't pin it down specifically, not without a couple of more readthroughs, but yeah there are a few places that you could tighten up. Less is more. You have lush, beautiful prose. But take charge of it and don't just let it run wild. Dole it out in small, teasing amounts that leave the reader wanting more rather than being overpowered by it.
ReplyDeleteI loved the opening paragraph, it gave a great picture of Sam. I'm not sure though, opening with them drinking and smoking weed will go over. *shrug* The burping and the passing of the bottle got a little stale for me really quickly. I'd rather get a better sense for the characters right off since you're introducing four of them on this first page.
ReplyDeleteWhat I liked: characters that have a lot of personality. Unfortunately, a lot of characters to keep track of right off. I got confused as to who was Tara's dark hero. I had to reread and discovered that Sam was a girl. I can see the group in my mind's eye, but I didn't get a sense of what is at stake here to want to keep reading. Is this omniscient POV? I would have liked to see the scene from one character's POV.
ReplyDeleteI thought there was good writing here. The problem, I thought, was the introduction of so many characters at once. You don't get to spend much time on anyone in particular, so none of them are firmly placed in my mind. And we don't get any sense of what the MC is thinking and feeling, so you're not building any empathy between the reader and the mc. Perhaps consider a slower start with more emphasis on you MC.
ReplyDeleteI also thought there were too many characters/names introduced in such a short time. For me it was hard to feel attached to any one character. And I had no idea who the main character was or whose point of view this was supposed to be from.
ReplyDeleteIf you look at the first three paragraphs, you'll see that they all start with a different character's name. I think I echo the feelings of a few other commenters when I say that, because there were so many characters introduced so quickly, I don't know who to focus on. Additionally, I thought a few of the sentences were blocky.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, those things are fixed easily. I really like the edgy feel, and encourage you to keep up the good work!
I agree with the comments above and add only that it wasn't until the last sentence of the excerpt that I got any sense of tension, any sense of something happening. I wonder if you need to begin in a different place.
ReplyDeleteSome cool characters here and the train comment is very intriguing!
I'm not hooked. I feel like there were too many people introduced at once for me to keep track of and I then didn't really care about them. That being said, the writing is solid and descriptive. I wonder if you maybe started in the wrong spot.
ReplyDeleteThe whole story is in the last two sentences, and sounds totally cool. The preceding ones can be summed up with something simple like "We drank and smoked in the cool night. Sam belched like a pro. Tara wore too much lip gloss again, which made the joint sticky, and annoyed Emily. A train mourned in the distance...." The clothing and visual details are not as important as getting those girls on a train. Now THAT'S exciting. You want your characters to be more flesh and blood. Hoodies and eyeliner are not flesh and blood. Let their appearances be revealed over time, and get to the good stuff--action and plot/character development.
ReplyDelete