TITLE: Winter
GENRE: YA Fantasy
When I determined I had nothing else to live for, I felt a great weight fall off my shoulders. I no longer had to worry about the hotel, my father's family or even myself. I imagined after the choking pain of drowning was over, I would find peace, fading into nothingness. All my cares, my very existence, would melt away as surely as the slush piled under the bridge's inner railing.
The wind pulled at my skirt, scarf and hair. Still I clung to the wooden banister, unable to do all I had intended. I used to think those that chose this fate for themselves were cowards. Was I the worst coward of them all then, too fearful to jump?
Weighed images from my past, I watched ice chunks float downstream. My skate blades hung off my right shoulder. Lack of interest and the melting ice had prevented me from using them in over a month. I brought them as a reminder of happier times, but such memories were brief and soon overwhelmed by my current emptiness. I held the blades out by their straps and watched them dangle and fall. One small splash and they disappear beneath the current for good. I thought of joining them.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm intrigued but to be honest it's almost too vague? Would love something a bit more solid to go on...
ReplyDeleteInteresting that she want to kill herself, but there's a danger in starting this way - we know she won't do it, or there wouldn't be an entire book to read.
ReplyDeleteI also think the wording of the first line of the second paragraph is awkward.
Otherwise, I like the feel of the cold coming through in the setting.
I'm intrigued, but honestly, I'd stop when I find out she doesn't jump. now, if this is heading for her to jump, and maybe is a ghost story or something, I'd be really interested. It's fantasy, so anything can happen, and so I kind of hope it does!
ReplyDeleteThis is intriguing, but kind of wishy-washy and vague. She drops the skates but only thinks about following? At the beginning you said she was at peace with the decision to end her life. Surely she'd do more than think about plunging in after them. At least get her up on the railings.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on a little further, but if things didn't get more concrete, I'd probably give up.
Hey! I found this intriguing but a little confused as to what the MC is feeling. At the beginning your MC seems to be contemplating her own life/death, but by then end drops her skates as if that was all she was going to do and thinks about joining them--as if she didn't have that thought earlier.
ReplyDeleteAnd a little thing: Check the tensing of the verb "disappear" in your second to last sentence. Disappeared?
Other than that, I'd read further.
I'm sorry, I'm not hooked. I liked the first paragraph, and was wondering if we'd have a story narrated by a ghost but the last line suggests that she only contemplates suicide after she throws the skates in, and then only in a passing fashion. It doesn't seem to match the strength of the first paragraph.
ReplyDelete'Weighed images from my past, I watched ice chunks float downstream' this line seemed a little disjointed to me. It might work better the other way round?
If I had the book in front of me I would probably read a few more pages to see whether she actually jumps or not.
Not hooked. You start off with strong writing that says she's going to jump. You build tension and suspense and then . . . she doesn't jump. You haven't given what you promised and I'm disappointed. As a reader, I don't have any more faith in the writer.
ReplyDeletePerhaps, if she's not going to jump, this isn't the place to start. Or perhaps start here, but don't make us believe she is going to jump. She can be contemplating it, a 'what if' type of thing, but not be so certain that's what she really wants. I really don't know since I don't know where you're going with this, but I wouldn't promise the jump if you're not going to deliver.
Really bad first line - it's sodden - mixing pomposity and cliche. Your writing deserves a better first line!
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, I would start here:
I watched ice chunks float downstream. My skate blades hung off my right shoulder. Lack of interest and the melting ice had prevented me from using them in over a month. I brought them as a reminder of happier times, but such memories were brief and soon overwhelmed by my current emptiness. I held the blades out by their straps and watched them dangle and fall. One small splash and they disappear beneath the current for good. I thought of joining them.
THIS is strong writing. (Oh, you can tweak it, but overall it is a very strong paragraph and makes me want to read on.)
I have mixed feelings about this. I liked the first line. It starts to border on grandiose, so perhaps cut out "great," and leave it at "I felt a weight off my shoulders."
ReplyDeleteI do, however, have a hard time reconciling how someone who's clearly feeling so much, claims to feel so empty- empty enough that she wants to die. I don't get that sense of loss and nothingness that I expect to from a character who's genuinely suicidal.
That being said, I want her to jump. She certainly doesn't need to die, but if she doesn't jump you run the risk that all her angst comes across as silly or slight; the drama of an insecure teen. And that's NOT what I want for her.
The first paragraph feels repetitious, a lot of thoughts starting with "I" that stand out and sound awkward. Otherwise I think it's good. I'm alright with her being a bit wishy washy about suicide, whether it be the act or the method. For the YA genre my concern is not to make it turn out okay if she does it or glorify it in any way.
ReplyDeleteThis is part of the one page prologue of my ghost/alternate reality type story. It is also based on a fairytale. Without that context, this may not have represented my story very well, but I still got lots of good feedback and have some ideas on what needs to be fixed. Thank you all very much. :)
ReplyDelete