TITLE: A HUMAN ELEMENT
GENRE: COMMERCIAL SUSPENSE-WOMEN'S
The girl screamed in delirium as she lay on the white bed twisting the stiff, starched sheets under her. A stain of sweat and blood spread below her raised and shaking legs. A musky smell hung in the air as the girl struggled. Outside the rain streamed down in a torrential rush beating in a tinny rhythm on the windows of the back room of the one-floor medical office.
Doctor Britton's right hand slid inside the girl up to his wrist as he pushed down on her bloated stomach. She screamed again as he touched her monstrous belly. Then her lungs and strength gave up and she trailed off into ragged whimpers.
“The head is turned. Get me the forceps,” he yelled to the nurse with cropped, gray hair. Nurse Reed identified the instrument from the table near her and placed it in Doctor Britton's outstretched hand. In her 40 years as a nurse she had never seen a pregnant woman scream so much during the birth process. Something had to be wrong, terribly wrong. She wished another nurse came here for this birth besides herself, the doctor and the unseen man outside who waited to finish this night for them and take this baby. She glanced at the back door where he waited. She wondered what kind of man would wait in the rain for such a job.
But she didn't care to know about this nameless man who waited.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Yuck, yuck and yuck. it's like a farmyard delivery of a calf. Cut the gore and internal examinations and concentrate on the nameless man, who is quite interesting.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked. It's not the gore or the birthing that bothers me. The writing is a bit wordy and confusing. I had to read the last bit twice and I'm still not sure I understand it.
ReplyDeleteIs this a situation where the mother and father (the nameless man?) are leaving the baby with the doctors?
We already know something is wrong, the doctor said so, but I don't get why the screaming would make the nurse assume something was very, very wrong.
I'm not sure who the MC is at this point. It's third person, so it could be several characters, but I got the impression it was the mother, and then the nurse.
I think you should find the focal point of this story and settle on that. If it is the birth, fine. If it's the man, and I think it is, then focus more on him. We don't need to see the doc's hand all up in her lady parts. It really doesn't add any suspense. This man being outside in the rain instead of by her side during a delivery is what is interesting to me. Good luck!
;)
I actually didn't mind the detailed description at the beginning...it reminded me a little of Cutting For Stone which is one of my favorite books. I really liked the introduction of the unseen man, but felt the wording was a tad awkward which made it confusing. I'd tighten up the last part, but think you have an interesting premise.
ReplyDeleteI think I would be a little more hooked if it started here:
ReplyDeleteDoctor Britton's right hand slid inside the girl up to his wrist as he pushed down on her bloated stomach.
and in that general section than the description before. I need a little more intrigue?
I liked the description but felt as though the structure was a little formulaic - tinny rhythm, monstrous belly, ragged whimpers... Perhaps if you changed the structure of some of your sentences?
ReplyDeleteI found it a lot of telling. The no-name girl made it impersonal, and the monstrousness of birth is a turn-off. I didn't want to read more, but that might just as much be the content (not the gore or the way it is presented). I'd like less telling.
ReplyDeleteFind a way to make me like her and I'd go for this. Maybe start with paragraph two and show her reaction to what he's doing?
ReplyDeleteMaybe start with the second paragraph. I need to like her, so maybe give her reactions to what's happening, show her vulnerability?
ReplyDeleteI thought your last line was strong, but the rest felt distant to me. It was only after reading the other comments that I figured out why - the scene doesn't focus on any one character, and I can't tell who the MC is. Is it the girl? The nurse? The nameless man? The baby? Even if you want a different MC in this scene from the rest of the book (eg. maybe the MC is the baby but you want this scene from the nurse's POV) I think that's fine, but you need to pick one person.
ReplyDeleteA few other things - the word screaming felt like it was repeated a lot, even though you only used it three times. Can you find an alternative? And there did seem to be telling in places where showing would be more effective.
The ending caught my interest, but as others have said, the first paragraph is too wordy and I have no idea who the MC is. I'm guessing the MC is not the doctor or nurse, but those are the only names provided thus making me think they are possibly important. In any event, I'm confused.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Anna that this would be stronger if you start with the second paragraph.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I'm still confused about who the main character is, the role of the unknown man, and why he's waiting in the rain.
I agree with previous comments- it's unclear who the main character is. Also, it might be better to say 'she' instead of repeating 'the girl' several times.
ReplyDeleteEw, yuck. You may be able to get away with such a graphic scene inside a book (the question is, do you need to?) but not at the beginning. It also seems clumsy to introduce these people: "Doctor Britton," "Nurse Reed" - when we haven't met them yet. Might be better just to say "the doctor," "the nurse." Not grabbing me, sorry.
ReplyDelete"She wondered what kind of man would wait in the rain for such a job.
ReplyDeleteBut she didn't care to know about this nameless man who waited."
She wondered--but she didn't care to know? You don't need to name him 'nameless man' we get it. That said I don't think gore is a turn-off, but a nameless girl and a nameless man and a 'nurse reed' and 'doctor britton' makes me want to shut down.
I'll take a stab at the MC not actually being in this scene at all, this possibly even being a prologue. I'm a fan for jumping into the action but, as Sara said, if the doctor and nurse aren't a truly important part of the story, don't bother to name them. That way we know they're not important so we focus on what is. Mystery man? Difficult birth? Are you setting us up for the mother/baby dying in childbirth?
ReplyDeleteNot hooked I'm afraid. A couple of points in addition to the ones already raised:
ReplyDelete'Get me the forceps,” he yelled to the nurse with cropped, gray hair.' as opposed to the nurse without the cropped, gray hair? This sounds like description for its own sake - is she important enough for us to care what colour her hair is, and if so is there a better way of telling us?
'“ She wished another nurse came here for this birth besides herself, the doctor and the unseen man outside who waited to finish this night for them and take this baby.' This sounds like a long-winded way of introducing the nameless man. Unless you mean the nurse didn't want to be there in which case why mention the Doctor or the man at all? It's a little confusing.
My money was on the girl dying and the baby being some sort of changeling/demon/secret saver of the world or something but then I saw it wasn't paranormal or fantasy so now I don't know. Unfortunately, as it stands at the moment I'm not hooked enough to want to read on and find out. I might with revision though.
The concept of "less is more" might apply to this story. For one, I think I'd be more intrigued if this scene started with the unnamed man out in the rain, listening to the screams. I don't need to see a breech birth or anything like that; sure, it hurts, but unless the woman pops out an animal with horns, I have a hard time believing that the nurse has never seen someone scream this loud. If she's been doing this for 40 years, she's seen this procedure before, and...well, it's not all adding up.
ReplyDeleteI'm also unsure of the time period. You say this is commercial suspense, not historical, but the woman is giving birth on a bed; there was no mention of a hospital that I noticed. This left me confused. I couldn't identify with a character because of the distanced POV, and I couldn't get the time/place straight. These are key elements to any opening.
So, again, to reiterate, if the protagonist is the child or the unnamed man who takes the child, I'd start the book outside, in the rain, listening to the screams, so we get to know a man we'll follow through the book more than the doctor or nurse, who presumably disappear after the birth.
The "rhythm" of the storytelling was a bit stiff and too simplistic throughout. Use of more complex sentences would loosen up the flow and allow the reader to submerge themselves into the story.
ReplyDeleteThere were a lot of issues here, and I think the POV is the main one. I'm feeling like the next chapter will begin with this baby who has grown up and will be the POV character. If so, don't give any of these characters names because a name gives them importance and they aren't important. If the man outside is important, the suggestion to use him as the POV character here is a good one.
ReplyDeleteYou might also want to look at sentence structure.
Outside the rain streamed down in a torrential rush beating in a tinny rhythm on the windows of the back room of the one-floor medical office.
There are six prepositional phrases in the above sentence which is way too many. You're taking the description too far. If you want to describe the rain, describe the rain, and then, if you want us to know about the building, start a new sentence instead of cramming it all into one.
The writing's also too stiff and proper.
Nurse Reed identified the instrument from the table near her and placed it in Doctor Britton's outstretched hand.
The above is much too technical for the scene you've created. The nurse has 4o years experience and she's in what she feels is an awful situation. Is she going to to 'identify the instrument' or is she going to grab the forceps? Her movement should be quick and urgent because that's the kind of scene your describing.
Take another look at the overall writing and perhaps consider another revision
I don't find the gore offensive, or shocking and the second paragraph is probably a better place to start - it really grabs my attention. I'm unsure who is telling me the story here, but I think it's the nurse. If that's the case, I think I would need her to worry more about saving the baby and the girl, than wonder about the stranger is outside the door. It's a fascinating place to start a book and I like that.
ReplyDeleteI'm not put off by the grossness of the Birth. Birth is (presumably) yucky. I do feel, though, that this paragraph relies too much on gruesome description and not enough on action or character. I think the second paragraph is really where you get going. You do a great job building suspense and tension, especially with Nurse Reed's train of thought. I'd read more for that reason.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit confused about this unseen man. Is he in the waiting room or outside in the rain? What does Nurse Reed mean by "finish this night for them and take the baby?" I like the sense of unease surrounding this man, but I'm just confused by his presence.