TITLE: Untitled
GENRE: Paranormal romance
The smell hit me first. I started coughing and jerked awake as the acrid smoke burned my nostrils. I held my breath and shook Rafe. He came to, his dark eyes cloudy with confusion, and when he smelled it he wrapped his arm around my naked shoulders and dragged me from the bed.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm not a fan of starting a novel with waking up, but I do like the difference of a smell as what woke her up. I also like the danger introduced with Rafe dragging her from bed. Is he her captor, or is he dragging her to safety? I'd read on a bit to see where this was going.
ReplyDeleteNot sure why he needs to drag her from the bed if she was the one who woke up first. Unless this is a plot point (e.g., she needs help getting out of bed for some reason), I might revise that bit. I agree with therealtwinmom about the issue of starting with waking up, but I think the twist works, and there's a sense of urgency right from the start.
ReplyDeleteYou could cut the first sentence because you don't go on to describe the smell, so what's the point?
ReplyDeleteYou could start with she woke, coughing from the smoke, but like the smell, you don't go on to describe it. Is the room filled with smoke? Is it coming from the room or from outside the room? Give us an idea of what they are running from.
And like SHakier, I wondered why he was dragging her away, when she was the one who noticed it and woke him. Why does she become suddenly helpless?
I think that it can be hard to answer all these questions in 50 words..bear with us readers...I think it is a great jump start to action. Personally, I would simply read on and find out what's going on with the smoke and Rafe. I am intrigued enough to know Good Luck : )
ReplyDeleteAh, I like it. The waking up is a touch irritating, but like therealtwinmom said, it works. It's clear to me why he dragged her from the bed––he realized something when he smelled whatever she was smelling, and that was his first reflex.
ReplyDeleteI would read on; I'm curious what it is that is presenting a danger that smells so bad.
My only issue is that the "when he smelled it" is a little out of POV. She can ASSUME that is what made him drag her from bed but you shouldn't write this like she KNOWS it. You have to SHOW how she knows it instead. Does his nose twitch? Or does she just assume this is what makes him do it? Not that he sees the smoke?
ReplyDeleteI agree with Bekah and Holly. 50 words might be just enough for a hint of things to come but I agree with Holly's "show don't tell." Good luck, I'd keep reading!
ReplyDeleteI would continue reading. As others have said, 50 words isn't much... enough to grab someone's attention and make them read on. I think you've done that. I too wondered a bit why he picked her up, but I'm sure that will be shown shortly. Also, I think it could be more powerful if you show him smelling the smoke or seeing it and then reacting. Nice work!
ReplyDelete