TITLE: Beelzebub Girl
GENRE: YA Paranormal
I stood in the corner of the torture chamber, back pressed against the ancient stone. The air was hot, sucking every bit of oxygen out of my lungs. Bright rays seeped through the few loose stones in the wall, leaving a trail of whirled-up dust particles in their wake. I sighed and pointed at the heavy mahogany door.
"How long is this going to take, Dad? You know I've to get to my job."
A guy hanging from long chains in the ceiling yelled like a pitchfork just stabbed him in the bum. That was about the only answer I'd get. Groaning, I averted my gaze, hoping Dad, dressed in his usual business suit, gaze fixed on the guy undergoing some major torture, wouldn't notice.
"This is your job, Cassandra. Are you watching and learning?" Dad asked.
Nodding, I curled my lips into a smile, grateful Dad couldn't read my thoughts because we were blood-related. My stomach turned at the metallic smell of blood hitting my nostrils. You'd think after growing up here I should've been used to the whole shebang--torture, famine, death and so forth--but I still flinched. Truth be told, I'd rather do my nails and smell of YSL than dust, sweat and what else not. Even at King Louis XVI's court, which we were forced to visit as part of a history project at school, I was the one who stayed inside and ate all the chocolate truffles instead of joining the cheering crowd watching the henchman decapitate France's traitors.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Love the sulking teenager in the face of torture - the image of the guy hanging and the girl being so "please Dad, not now, gotta go to work" is wonderfully unexpected. I'm hooked, would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jaye to a point. The one thing that really confused me was that it was hard to tell the time frame this story is taking place. Although, I have a feeling that if I read on I would get that answer. Having said taht I would read one to understand what was going on and what era they were situated in.
ReplyDeleteThe voice of this is hilarious. So many unexpected details--I'd definitely read on! In fact, I came back after skimming the entries because this one really stuck out to me.
ReplyDeleteI loved the humour of the MC plus the story sounds interesting, so I'm hooked and would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteLove the last paragraph. It made me laugh.
I thought this was clever and I really liked the ending, but it doesn't make me want to read on. I'm getting Devil girl wants to be a normal girl, and it's not enough. Perhaps add a hint of larger or different problems, another dilemma she might have, something that creates conflict or tension.
ReplyDeleteHooked! Love me some black humour :)
ReplyDeleteWell done. Uneasy about the torture, though I like the concept of the Devil's daughter who doesn't like it either. Not sure I'd read on if there's too much tormenting of souls.
ReplyDeleteAwesome! The voice and character drew me right in! I would definitely read on. I think it's clever and well written.
ReplyDeleteGuess I'm the minority here - I don't like this. Don't like the light-heartedness about torture, and don't find the character appealing. Not for me, sorry.
ReplyDeleteI liked it very much. I think the idea's splendid. However, I didn't like the third line and fourth lines. The tone doesn't go with 'torture chamber', and it's unecessary to give description so soon; it interrupted the mood. Because Dad wasn't described, I thought the guy hanging was Dad. If you're looking for horror readers, you should really describe Dad and make the tone stronger. Watch out for overused actions like "stood" and "sighed" and try not to repeat words.
ReplyDeleteIt's kinda morbid, but if this is meant to be a darker story, you're pulling it off really well!
ReplyDelete:)
It creeps me out a little bit when I hear kids laughing about torture -- they are always the same kids that think its funny to torment their pets. Although I'm not above a little dark humor for adults, I think a little more care is warranted when presenting it to kids. But the writing here is superb, and I love the fact that the MC seems a bit rebellious from the torturous expectations of her father. I would read on, and if handled well I might just love this story!
ReplyDeleteWhat I liked: The juxtaposition of the horrible scene with the narrator’s casual attitude about it, the voice.
ReplyDeleteWhat needed work: More of a sense of place. Where is this torture chamber? Are they in hell? Is Dad Satan, and Cassandra his daughter? I had difficulty understanding where this story was taking place, especially with the shift to the field trips.
Also, some details were murky, such as “Dad couldn't read my thoughts because we were blood-related.” This seems like a strange piece of information to casually drop in so early, and might be better saved when more of the world building is taking place.
Would I keep reading based on these sample pages? The strangeness of the situation would keep me going, yes.