TITLE: Cursed
GENRE: Humorous Middle Grade Fantasy
Samuel was already running when the miller's shed exploded. The wind whistled up behind him, lifting him clean off his feet. For a brief moment, he soared. Then he tucked his elbows in and landed with a thud, rolling several times before he came to a stop, flat on his back.
Samuel's experience with explosions had honed his technique for landing. If you are ever in a similar situation, you will find that keeping your elbows tucked in is vital upon making contact with the ground.
He opened his eyes and watched the white cloud drift down towards him. Puffs of flour danced on the breeze. His arms and legs began to report various aches and pains, but the lump in his throat hurt far, far worse. After an entire week at the mill, he'd begun to think that perhaps this job would be all right. Sometimes it seemed as though these catastrophes had been chasing him through all his twelve years, instead of just the last six months.
Someone groaned behind him and Samuel remembered the miller. He pushed his other thoughts aside and clambered to his feet, hurrying over to peer down at where the man lay spread-eagled amidst the debris. The miller's beard and moustache had turned white with flour, lending him a distinguished--if slightly stunned--appearance.
"Ooooh," said the miller, his eyes still closed. "What happened? Did I fly? I've always wanted to fly. I dreamed of it as a boy."
Miss Snark's First Victim
Great setup and I love what the miller says. The author should watch for filters, such as "watched" or "remembered." The author could just write "He opened his eyes and the white cloud drift down towards him." Also, "Someone groaned behind him. The miller! He clambered to his feet, hurrying over to peer down at where the man lay spread-eagled amidst the debris."
ReplyDeleteThis is quite good but there are a few things I'd change:
ReplyDelete1) I was confused as to why he was running before the explosion. You might need to explain this.
2) For this part, "If you are ever in a similar situation, you will find that keeping your elbows tucked in is vital upon making contact with the ground."--> who is the 'you' here? If it is the reader, you are pulling us out by addressing us. This would read better as a thought of Samuel's.
3) I'd replace "began to" with something that shows the dull beginning of a pain or ache.
4) These two lines don't feel like they flow together: "After an entire week at the mill, he'd begun to think that perhaps this job would be all right. Sometimes it seemed as though these catastrophes had been chasing him through all his twelve years, instead of just the last six months." Why did he start to think the job was okay a week ago if he has been chased by catastrophes for the last six months? If feels like we're missing a link here.
5) I don't quite understand how someone can look stunned with their eyes closed. The flour-covered beard doesn't cut it for me.
Good luck!
I also love what the miller says. Perfect!
ReplyDeleteThe tone of the first paragraph is very dark and action-oriented, which made the humor of the rest of it a bit jarring for me. The "you" paragraph also caught me off-guard, though if you carry that throughout, I would probably get used to it. You could eliminate it entirely by reworking the first paragraph to say something like, "Out of long habit, he tucked his elbows..." or something else that conveys that Samuel has had some practice with explosions. Doing that could also bring some humor to that first paragraph.
I had to read through the numbers in the third paragraph a few times to get what you were trying to say. I think that entire paragraph could be tightened up.
Ah, I recognise this :) I liked it a lot before and I still do, especially the first 2 paras and the last. I actually like the bit where Sam addresses the reader, and I think you see this more often in MG than elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the 3rd and 4th paras could be tightened a bit to feel more immediate by taking out 'watched'etc. Instead of 'He pushed his other thoughts aside and clambered to his feet, hurrying over to peer down at where the man lay spread-eagled amidst the debris.' perhaps just 'He clambered to his feet and hurried over to where the man lay spread-eagled amidst the debris.'
I would absolutely read on though, I really like it!
Nice set-up. Would definitely read on to see why this character has so much experience with explosions. I already like the miller, who didn't seem to mind his flight through the air as much as we might have feared. I liked your puffs of flour on the breeze! I think you have a great middle grade voice.
ReplyDeleteI LOVED this. It is definitely the kind of MG Fantasy that I'm drawn into. Action, explosions, and yet an MC whose voice is instantly present, strong and sympathetic because of the disasters that happen to him despite his best efforts. Loved the bit of advice about how to land if we're ever in the same predicament :) Laughed at the miller's comment about wanting to fly. Completely hooked.
ReplyDeleteOf course, this is a fantastic hook. It already raises so many questions in the reader's head.
ReplyDeleteThe Miller's dialogue is not at all what I expected him to say, which also led to more questions, and also more page turning. :)
Love the set-up, love the Miller's response. I do agree that the "you"s in the second paragraph throw me, but other than that I think it's a great start. Samuel seems pretty cool.
ReplyDeleteGreat opening -- MG story starting off with an explosion. Interesting why-me character with great voice. I'd read on. I was pulled out of the story a bit by the Address-The-Reader "you," but could see that working if you continue sprinkling it throughout the story. The miller's reaction surprised me, so I'm thinking the guy is a whacky-goofy-likeable character. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this, too, and thought the miller had the best lines. Not at all what I expected, so it came as a nice surprise.
ReplyDeleteYou might cut the entire second parg. It's author intrusion and pulled me right out of the story. If you do this throughtout the story (Like Camillo's Desperaux - I think that's the one)Then you should probably start that way so we know it's the style of the story.
You could also show him feeling his aches and pains and perhaps thinking his own thoughts about the job being all right etc, rather than telling us what he thought. Telling us distances us, and showing draws us in closer.
Great hook to draw the reader in! This was well written, besides the bits mentioned above which could be tightened. Great voice! I can see this is one to read on.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I liked this. Just a few nitpicks:
ReplyDeleteIs it the wind lifting him off his feet or the force of the explosion? This whole first paragraph read a little slow to me. It's supposed to be action, so it needs to pick up. Only relate the most important details of his flight and landing.
Also, the "you" sentence sounds like you're trying to imitate Series of Unfortunate Events. I love those books, but Snicket carries the same slightly morbid, off-the-wall tone throughout, and this didn't quite fit with the rest of your voice.
I think you could also smooth out the writing a bit. It read a bit clunky and formal, especially for MG.
I sincerely hope this helps! I'm definitely interested in the plot. Best of luck!
Amy
I remembered this one from before as well! :)
ReplyDeleteStill like it! I'm ready for what comes next! Good luck with it!!
I think it'll be terrific!
What I liked: The humor (especially the miller’s line), the entry into the story.
ReplyDeleteWhat needed work: A few clunky sentences and overly wordy phrasings, like at the beginning of the fourth paragraph. This has a decent rhythm and interesting things going for it, but the writing needs to be tightened to really make it sing, especially for middle grade.
Would I read on based on this sample? Yes.
I really liked this. I could picture exactly what was happening and it has posed questions that I want answered. Everyone else has already given advice on how to improve it, so I'll just say good luck!
ReplyDelete