TITLE: The Sky-High Adventures of Never
GENRE: MG Historical (with speculative elements)
LONDON, 1849
The last thing Never expected, on that rain-dark December morning, was for anyone to want to buy her.
She had lived at Tooley's for all of her eight years, and every so often, bickering husbands and wives or weather-beaten tradesmen would sweep through the orphanage, inspecting the children like sides of ham in a butcher's window. But she was always too skinny to be any use to the blacksmith, too pale to catch the eye of the elegant couple, too wild-eyed for the old lady in need of a maid. And so she had stopped looking up as they passed, stopped wondering what life would be like outside the grey, bare walls of the house on Castor Street. Stopped hoping.
It was Wednesday, which meant it was her turn to scrub the kitchen floor, and the thick stench of rotting vegetables and sour milk made her eyes water. She was concentrating so hard on not retching that she didn't notice the peculiar man in the top hat until he spoke her name.
'The child's name is Never?' The man raised a bushy eyebrow.
'Right little devil, that one. Anytime she's told to do anything, all she says is "Never!"' The matron pursed her narrow lips in disapproval. 'You sure you wouldn't rather take one of our other children, sir?'
You old bat, thought Never, don't you wish you could just drown me like a kitten. But she caught a twinkle of mirth in the man's eye.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I really love this one! The voice is amazing and I am instantly hooked. I also love the details about Never and the orphanage. There are just enough details to set the scene but not too many that the writing feels bogged down. I wish there were more to read than just 250 words...
ReplyDeleteLove it. The only line that didn't ring entirely true for me was the last one about catching a "twinkle of mirth in the man's eye" - because it doesn't seem exactly how this eight-year-old would think, and it too quickly erases the tension from the scene.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice, as already said! This is the best hook I've read so far- very impressive!
ReplyDeleteImmediately liked this one - drawn in from the capitalization of Never. :)
ReplyDeleteInteresting opening. I'm curious to read on to find out what the man in the top hat wants her for. From the first line, I thought it was a slave auction. People bought orphans in London? Or perhaps it was Never's perception. Love her name which matches her attitude. Yet... she was scrubbing the floor.
ReplyDeleteReally love this too--immediately--The writing is fluid and clear. Descriptive and delicate.
ReplyDeleteOh--and agree with the "mirth in the man's eye" a weensty throw off--doesn't sound like an 8 year old--
ReplyDeleteLove this. Liked the voice immediately. Great first line.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing is eight is pretty young for this end of middle grade, I think. Ten is more fitting.
Love this! Great voice, very successful set-up, and I already care about your character! I had the opposite reaction about the man with the twinkle in his eye -- I don't think it necessarily will kill the tension in the story, depending on how the story develops from here. It gives the character something to want, something we want for her.
ReplyDeleteThe only other thing I would add is that your sentence fragment at the end of the first paragraph seemed a little jarring -- thought the repetition was effective, but that the two word fragment needed to be worked in more smoothly. Can't wait to see this one on the shelf!
I love this! Great job. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteBut what's up with your quotation marks? I know in some classics they still use single quotation marks, but I think if you're sending this to American agents, you should use double. How's that for a nitpicky detail?
Good job and best of luck!
Amy
This one really hooked me. I want to know why she was "bought" and not adopted. I want to know why she's named Never. I want to know why the man wanted her and not someone else.
ReplyDeleteOne thing you do especially well here is include Never's thoughts/conclusions/questions, not just external descriptions or unparsed emotional reactions. It helps us know her better, and we've only read 250 words. Good job.
Loved the first line! Definitely hooked me and I was interested in reading more. I think Macaronipants has a point that ten might be a better age for this story, but otherwise, I thought it was great.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this. It interested me, and I would definitely turn the page.
ReplyDeleteMy only issue with it is the inner monologue from Never. The way she thinks seems much older and more put together than her actual age. I was prepared for a little girl's thoughts, and it seemed closer to a teenager's, perhaps older.
Well done, though.
Oh, what fun! Great opening line, really intriguing set up, and I LOVE the name Never. And all the visual imagery in her voice is really grabbing. The only part that tripped me up was the kitchen smelling of rotten vegetables, spoiled milk, and her scrubbing the floor--perhaps seems a little over the top and cliche, but then, I guess playing with cliches and orphans and all of that is what makes this piece fun.
ReplyDeleteLove it! Nothing jarred, nothing felt cliched, and the quotation marks are absolutely fine!! Really, really lovely writing - you paint the scene beautifully, the characters are instantly interesting and fun. I'm intrigued and want to read more!
ReplyDeleteThis felt much older to me than the age group you're aiming for, but like everyone else, love the name 'Never' and everything else. I don't read a lot of MG, so it's hard for me to make too many comments, but it felt older right off the top. Well done and congrats on such lovely comments!
ReplyDeleteGood luck with it!
Chiming in a little late on this one but it's just great. Plus the name Never is perfect for the tone of this piece - seems like it's going to be a grand adventure.
ReplyDeleteI thought you could have cut the first two pargs because it's mostly explanation and back story, and just start the story with Never scrubbing the floor, but it's not all that long, and it didn't seem to bother anyone else, so it's probably not a big issue.
ReplyDeleteI loved the ending because it says here is a man who wants her, who she'll form an attachment to, who she'll be more to than a workhorse. That twinkle promises good things to come.
Yep, love it. Not much else to say, really.
ReplyDeleteWhat I liked: Strong opening line, confident voice.
ReplyDeleteWhat needed work: The last two lines weren’t as strong as the others.
Would I keep reading based on this sample? Definitely.
Author
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much for your suggestions and your lovely comments! Very much appreciated.
Totally late here, but I love the voice. Never is a great name. I'd read on to find on who this man is and why he's interested in Never.
ReplyDelete