TITLE: THE NOTES BETWEEN
GENRE: YA
What would happen if the Moon suddenly fell apart? Would I be the only one to see it on this night? In Bainesville I would be. Maybe some boy in some distant hazy land would also be staring at Luna as She begins to disembody Herself - big white chunks slowly flopping off and falling to the earth, bursting with delicate impact upon the harsh humans. How exciting would such a sight be on an otherwise lonely night?
He wasn't bored, he just didn't know what else to do, so he stood in his father's boneyard - permanent, ghostly-abandoned vehicles all around - looking up at Her exquisitely large, round body; Luna was hanging low over his head, as if She were attached by string to his body. The harsh light giving shadows to his strong cheekbones and jaw, if he were to open his mouth his teeth would be as white as his natural blond hair.
Would the chunks burst into nothing but white dust? Would the powder cover everything, voiding color from human eyes? Would it make everything already gray simply disappear?
Chaffin realized that there wouldn't be much left in the world if everything bland disappeared. He climbed up onto the bent hood of one of the nearby cars and scanned the tops of the trees and the few tiny streetlights of the town in the distance. He searched the beyond, but he couldn't quite explain what he was looking for, only realizing that he had yet to find it.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The transition from first person to third person threw me off. Is the "I" in the first paragraph imagining the boy who is discussed in the rest of this section? Is the boy thinking to himself in first person? It almost seems as though there's a back and forth between narration and internal thinking, which is a bit confusing at this point.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Lady G, and add that I would also cut some of the rhetorical questions. There are five in this short excerpt. Also is this a paranormal or fantasy? I get the feeling that it is by the moon falling apart and worshipping a goddess called "Luna". You might want to be more specific with your genre.
ReplyDeleteYou have some great description in here: "The harsh light giving shadows to his strong cheekbones and jaw, if he were to open his mouth his teeth would be as white as his natural blond hair."
I think you just need to work on clarifying the story. Best of luck and thank you for submitting.
The first and third paragraphs are italicized in the manuscript - giving a visual transition between inner dialogue and 3rd person.
ReplyDeleteThe image of the moon falling apart is wonderfully unsettling, but I come away from your first paragraphs still not sure if the moon image is something that is really happening or just supposed to be providing an inner feeling. "If everything bland just disappeared" -- are you referring to the moon here, or something else? Wondering if the narrator is Chaffin or someone different? I think you could clarify this story with some well-chosen specifics -- what kind of vehicle? What kind of town? Does the boy in some hazy distant land become part of this story? Perhaps your next paragraphs give us a better footing into this intriguing story.
ReplyDeleteI was pulled in by the poetic description and It seems to me that the Moon--or Luna, isn't really being pulled apart-yet. But I'm intrigued. :)
ReplyDeleteThis was all very confusing to me as I wasn't sure if you were being literal or not. You start with a rhetorical question and then you keep asking them. Not the strongest way to start, I don't think, because I have no idea what your story is about.
ReplyDeleteLove the title. We immediately get inside of Chaffin’s head – a scary thing for anyone to do with a teen, but we don’t really know him, like him or hate him, yet. I’m thinking this moon-bursting thing is just his imagination, but am wondering if / hoping that it will come back . Watch POV – he wouldn’t be able to see the light or shadows on his own face. Is the moon important to the story, or the car yard?
ReplyDeleteStrange and confusing. Odd shift from first person to third person. Natural blond hair isn't, er, white like teeth.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure this really works, but I love the language and the rhythm. It's mystical and magic and vague. The rhetorical questions bugged me to begin with, but then didn't as I went on and realized they were thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThe contrast between the moon's beauty and the rather prosaic junkyard worked well for me.
I'm not sure it's the best opening for a book, but I liked reading it and would probably read on a bit.
I'm not a big fan of beginning with a question, but there's a lot in here to pursue, so good luck!
ReplyDeleteI thought the descriptive part was very well done. A few too many rhetorical questions for me too, but other than that, it was an interesting read and style.
ReplyDeleteInteresting beginning--it made think about how the moon is actually a piece of the Earth that broke off and would forever orbit our planet. It feels like Luna is idolized and your CC is fantasizing Her destruction. I would like to know more about the set-up, whether your CC is in a restrictive world of worship--is that why everything is bland and gray?--or was it a cosmic event--perhaps impelled by Luna? Also, what is bland and gray about the world? You describe the junkyard then the tree tops and the city lights beyond, but they don't echo those descriptors.
ReplyDeleteI thought you had some nice imagery and language here, and I loved the title, but I don't get any sense of what might/could/will happen. The story could really go anywhere after this.
ReplyDeleteThere's also no hint of conflict or tension or suspense. It's - a boy ponders about the moon. The one sentence that piqued my interest was -- he wasn't bored, he just didn't know what else to do, and I thought "do about what?" I felt like that was where your story was going. There 'was' a problem here. You just didn't say what it was.
If that's the case, perhaps state what that problem is.
I was a little confused by the change from first person to third person in such a quick excerpt. Some of the wording also threw me: what is a "delicate impact"?
ReplyDeleteBesides the technical aspects of the writing, from a storytelling perspective, I'd urge you to have something happen. I know the excerpt allowed is short, but something needs to happen to encourage people to keep reading.
I was also thrown by the switch from first to third. The imagery is beautiful, but I'm left feeling like you described a beautiful picture, but I'm completely confused as to what it is about. Or who. Some more concreteness in the beginning, to anchor the reader, would help with this. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteWhat I liked: There’s something compelling about the writing, and the idea of the moon falling apart. It’s a nice (albeit horrifying) image to begin on.
ReplyDeleteWhat needed work: Stick to either 1st or 3rd person. Work in descriptions of characters in more natural ways. I was confused by the way the moon was anthropomorphized, and it took me out of the story.
Would I keep reading based on this sample? No.