TITLE: AVA
GENRE: Young Adult Fantasy
The cheap motel room was starting to feel more claustrophobic the longer I sat on the bed flipping through stations on the TV. Why is it that there are more Spanish speaking channels than anything else here? Better yet, why is it that I'm sitting here alone doing nothing while Mom and Dad lived it up at the Miami nightclubs? Huffing my bangs out of my face I looked around to see if there was something else that I could find to do, but there wasn't anything that I wasn't already bored of.
Dad had come home several weeks ago all excited, at work there had been a sales competition and he'd been the top salesman that month. This was nothing new of course, Dad was usually top salesman every month. This time his bosses had put up a prize, an all expense paid trip to Miami. As with anything that's free, there were strings attached. We were here in the middle of October, not exactly a month that you'd think, “Hey, let's all go to Miami!”
Mom had insisted that I leave my cell phone at home as well as my laptop. This didn't make sense to me before we left, and it certainly didn't make any sense now. After all, this was the second night in a row
they've hit the town and left me behind in the room. It was as if they were trying to relive their honeymoon days since they hadn't had one because of my unexpected conception.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Really like this line: "As with anything that's free, there were strings attached."
ReplyDeleteI'd be a little careful of starting out a book with a bored character. You want that opening bit to draw your reader close to your character--not think the character might be boring. Also, watch your tenses. It took a few sentences before I figured out which tense you meant the book to be in.
I think the voice has potential. I'd like to know what the fantasy aspect is, but 250 words only gets you so far. With the second paragraph, I think the first sentence would flow better if it were two.
ReplyDeletePerhaps rethink your opening. Nothing happened here. Someone is sitting in a Miami hotel room and is bored. The info you are relaying to the reader doesn't tell us anything about the MC's problem or goal, nor does anything point to the fantasy aspect, and those are the things you want to introduce as soon as possible. Those are the things that will hook a reader.
ReplyDeleteYou are obviously working up to the point where something happens, so perhaps just start there.
Some good thoughts here, but we are missing a bit of tension. I always think it's best to start in action, but if you want to open here, amp up the tension by saying something like: "The motel walls were closing in around me. I couldn't stay here any longer." <----or something to that affect. Hooks us better!
ReplyDeleteBut you did get sympathy from me as a reader, I do feel for the poor girl! :)
Just a comment on the first line - rooms can't feel claustrophobic, only people can, so it might be good to reword.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
Amy
I feel like this needs more to happen. I know she's bored and she resents her parents and she's on holidays, but unless something happens really soon to break that sense of boredom/quiet, I'm going to lose my connection with her (since my sympathy for bored teenagers only stretches so far). Without knowing what follows, it's hard to say, but you might need to cut to whatever happens next--what brings in the sense of fantasy/magic. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI can't say I'm hooked. Maybe you could start with a stronger tension than "my parents don't care about me"?
ReplyDeleteAlso there seem to be a few present tense sentences mixed in here. The "Why is it" questions as well as "This was the second night they've hit the town" (should be "they'd"). Just something to be careful of.
I think you do a great job of being in your character's head, but her being bored, in a hotel room, and asking herself questions isn't a very interesting way to start off the book. It seems this beginning is more about her parents (and their backstory) than about the mc. There were some errors.
ReplyDelete[delete]
(add or comments)
The cheap motel room was starting to (make me) feel more claustrophobic the longer I sat on the bed flipping through stations on the TV.
Dad had come home several weeks ago (comma) all excited, (no comma) (because) at work there had been a sales competition (comma) and he'd been the top salesman that month. This was nothing new of course, (period or semicolon) Dad was usually top salesman every month. This time his bosses had put up a prize, (colon) an all expense paid trip to Miami.
Mom had insisted [that] I leave my cell phone at home as well as my laptop.
Sorry, I mis-corrected something.
ReplyDeleteDad had come home several weeks ago all excited, (no comma) (because) at work there had been a sales competition (comma) and he'd been the top salesman that month.
You have some run-on sentences and some comma splices. And there's nothing here to really grab the reader: just a bored teen left in a motel room.
ReplyDeleteI have to go with the other commentators. The first 250 words have to hook and reel us in. The MC could be bored, but have her do something about it. Do her parents hate her? Give us an idea why. We have to connect with the MC. Here she seems more full of self-pity.
ReplyDeleteWhat I liked: Decent first person voice, raised enough questions to make me curious as to where it goes.
ReplyDeleteWhat needed work: A few writing issues, such as tense shifts and run-on sentences. A few places the voice slips, too…for example, what kid would refer to themselves as an “unexpected conception?” If you’re trying to nail the voice of a teenager, make sure the phrases you’re using sound, you know, like a teenager.
I wasn’t as concerned about setting the story up with a teenager being bored in a hotel room, but I hope some sort of action action happens soon or I would lose interest. I did, however, feel we learned more about the parents than the main character.
What I read on based on these sample pages?: Yes, but if nothing happened soon, not for much longer.
I can see this being further into the book, maybe, but I'd reconsider opening with it. Nothing grabs me and says "Hey, keep reading!"
ReplyDeleteI am curious, however, why her Mom insisted she leave her cell and laptop home.
Where I come from, going to Miami in October is not unusual in the least. It's actually quite a popular destination to escape the impending cold for New Englanders. ;-)
Good Luck!