TITLE: Lost in the Bayou
GENRE: Young Adult Thriller
Robin is riding her horse, Star, across the field in the driving rain, trying to get away from her Uncle Conrad before he can kill her.
Even above the thundering rhythm of Star's hooves, the report of the rifle splits the night air. Star stumbles. Falls. Water explodes around me when I hit the wet ground, and I slide some distance before coming to a stop.
My ankle won't support me when I try to stand, instead sending a stabbing pain up my leg. I drop to my knees with a whimper. Star doesn't get up as I crawl toward her. Her nostrils are flared, and she's breathing rapidly when I reach her. My hands explore her neck and side. Wet but normal. Her legs seem fine, too, but hope fades when my fingers cross her hip and I feel the sticky warmth oozing from the ragged hole in her flesh.
Oh, no! Not Star!
A moment later, the wind is knocked out of me when the large boot kicks me in the back. I land on my chest next to Star, and I know who it is before I turn my head and see Conrad standing there.
"Get up!" he growls.
"No!" I scream up at him. "Go ahead and shoot me, too!" I open my soaked robe and point toward my chest. "Just do it, and get it over with."
His cold, metal claw hand snaps around my wrist as I flail my other arm and kick my bare feet. He's lifting me from the muddy ground and dragging me away from Star. I try to fight, but it's no use. I don't have any fight left in me now. He's won.
I hobble along behind as he leads me toward the house for the end of the game. Star's pitiful whinny fills my ears, and my heart breaks as I leave her behind in the rain.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I read the first 50 pages of this novel on another site, and I enjoyed it. I'm not sure if I can make any comparisons between what I've read previously and this portion, but when the advantage of knowledge is there, it's hard to ignore. The writing in this section is cleaner and crisper. You have some good emotion with the horse being shot and a girl who has lost her parents and now her horse wanting to give up and let Conrad win.
ReplyDeleteMy only criticism of this piece is that Conrad growled out the words, yet you have an exclamation point which suggests more of an immediacy of his words as though he shouted them.
Your description is good, but the emotions aren't resonating with me. This is first person, but there isn't much internalization here. It's all very surface skimming. Her horse was just shot by her uncle! I'd be mentally panicking.
ReplyDeleteMore than this: Oh, no! Not Star!
And certainly more than this: my heart breaks as I leave her behind in the rain.
SHOW me her heart is breaking. Your heroine is letting her uncle lead her away, not drag her away. What you have here is a scene that SHOULD be more visceral, but isn't.
He's lifting me from the muddy ground and dragging me away from Star.
Reword: He lifts me up from the muddy ground and drags me away from Star.
I try to fight, but it's no use. I don't have any fight left in me now. He's won.
You're still telling. SHOW me. Have her claw, scratch, bite, whatever it takes. Does she want to leave with him? I don't get that impression.
For a high emotion scene, you really should have more emotion. Less telling. More internalization.
I'll try to offer something different from what's been said. Someone once said women write action scenes the way that men write love scenes.
ReplyDeleteI apologize if I have your gender wrong and you're a man, but I got the impression you're a woman writer because your pro gives up too easily, because the action is scant.
What you have is a good start, but the reader really wants more.
If this is the climax, Robin, if she is a valiant girl, must struggle through her grief and fight Conrad as if she might not lose--even though she will lose. We will love her more for that.
Even if this not near the climax, it is a climatic scene. It's life and death stakes--the highest. It needs to be developed more. You'll be able to show more and tell less(as the reviewer above suggested) if you add more depth and layers to this scene.
So write in more tension, more thoughts, more action and reactions. Draw this scene out--especially if it's the pro's final struggle.
Then read it to a man who's a discerning reader and ask him if there's enough action. If he says yes, there's probably too much and you can cut back. :)
Good luck with your novel.
Gale, I don't personally know the author, but I've seen his picture.
ReplyDeleteI absolutly loved the writing in the first paragraph. After that, I think it lost it's intensity.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the advice above. Also, in parg 2 you say she's hurt her ankle, but when her uncle drags her away she's not in any pain. It should be a struggle to walk; he might even have to carry her if her ankles really bad.
Nitpick: Star's nostrils were flared should change to Star's nostrils flare. The past tense confused me for a moment.
oooooh, this is hard. You know I absolutely love this, but I think this is all sound advice so far.
ReplyDeleteBut I also know that Robin is terrified of Conrad, so I don't know how much real fight she would put up.
I like this and thought it was pretty good. Even the blurb has tension in it. But it could be stronger.
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest looking at word choice and sentence structure. As Elizabeth said, you are mostly telling this, and with a bit of tweaking, you can turn it into showing.
Take the first sentence -- Even above the thundering rhythm of Star's hooves, the report of the rifle splits the night air.
Look at what's important in that sentence. For me, it's the rifle shot. So put it first. -- The report of the rifle splits the night air, even above the thundering rhythm of Star's hooves.
But even at the end, the clause weakens the sentence, so really, perhaps just cut it. -- The report of the rifle splits the night air.
Star stumbles. Falls. Water explodes around me
(when I hit the wet ground)) cut, because it's assumed she fell with the horse,
and I slide some distance before coming to a stop. -- think about this. Some distance is vague and generic. So is - coming to a stop. Be more specific.
and I slide through the mud (or whatever she's sliding through) and then cut the rest or say 'how' she came to a stop.
My ankle won't support me when I try to stand - another tip. Put things in the order in which they happen. She has to stand before she realizes her ankle won't support her. And again, the important part of the sentence is that she can't stand. -- I try to stand but my ankle won't support me. And then, instead of -- my ankle won't support me - say what actually happens. -- I try to stand but my ankle gives out. Pain stabs my leg etc.
In general, in an action scene, or one of high tension, use as few clauses as possible (As, when, even, which phrases) That's why we're told to use short sentences. The clauses are gone. And look at word choices. Use as few ing words as you can and rephrase so they are ed words. And be specific. Try to make every sentence convey an image. Tell us what IS happening, not what DID happen.
You're on the right track. Keep at it.
I agree with the above posters. For an action scene, I think everything needs to be crystal clear, no extra words, no passive writing.
ReplyDelete"Even above the thundering rhythm of Star's hooves, the report of the rifle splits the night air. ("splits the night air" is cliche)
Star stumbles. Falls. Water explodes around me when I hit the wet ground, and I slide some distance before coming to a stop. (hitting the wet ground and sliding some distance give me two different visuals. Pick one. Either she hits the ground with a thud or she slides.)
My ankle won't support me when I try to stand, instead sending a stabbing pain up my leg. (When I stand, my ankle won't support me. I drop to my knees from the stabbing pain. Never with a whimper!) I drop to my knees with a whimper. (I crawl toward Star but she doesn't move) Star doesn't get up as I crawl toward her. Her nostrils are flared, and she's breathing rapidly when I reach her. (This can be the trouble with present tense - some of the sentences are awkward or read passive so you might want to say it a different way - Her nostrils flare when I rest my hand on her side. Her breathing is rapid. Short declarative sentences.) My hands explore her neck and side. Wet but normal. Her legs seem fine, too, but hope fades (hope fades? how about panic explodes) when my fingers cross her hip and I feel the sticky warmth oozing from the ragged hole in her flesh. (you don't need "in her flesh" - where else would the hole be?)
Oh, no! Not Star! (Something should flash through her head here - Star as a colt - something that would give emotion to this moment)
A moment later, the wind is knocked out of me when the large boot kicks me in the back (if she's kicked in the back, she won't know it's a large boot). I land on my chest next to Star, and I know who it is (you don't need to say you know who it is because there's only one guy chasing her with a rifle) before I turn my head and see Conrad standing there.
"Get up!" he growls.
"No!" I scream up at him. "Go ahead and shoot me, too!" I open my soaked robe and point toward my chest. "Just do it, and get it over with." (this is a bit melodramatic and your character loses strength)
His cold, metal claw hand snaps around my wrist as I flail my other arm and kick (at him with) my bare feet. He's lifting me from the muddy ground and dragging me away from Star. (He lifts me and drags me - try to stay away from passive language) I try to fight, but it's no use. I don't have any fight left in me now. He's won. (Why doesn't she have any fight left? This is where interiority would help us understand. Otherwise it just reads like she's being a weenie.)
I hobble along behind (cut "behind", where else would she be?) as he leads me toward the house for the end of the game. Star's pitiful whinny fills my ears, and my heart breaks as I leave her behind in the rain. (It might be more powerful for her to watch Star making attempts to get up, whinnying, tail flashing. "Fills my ears" is cliche)
Overall - I think you need to dig deeper.
Macaronipants