TITLE: Underwater Lynx
GENRE: Young Adult
When Danielle's cousin Greg attempts to pull her out of an old cellar, someone pushes him inside and slams the trap door. They hear logs dragged onto the door and realize they're trapped.
Danielle's eyes darted wildly in their sockets, taking in the suffocating blackness surrounding the minuscule beam of light. Already stretched to the breaking point, her courage finally shattered and fingers of panic rushed to take hold. She grasped for any other emotion to take its place.
"This is all your fault!" The accusation hissed through her teeth.
Greg stopped pounding the door with his fist. He flicked the light in her direction. "My fault?" She could see his eyes narrow. "I followed you here - trying to protect you! You promised if I didn't tell your parents what's been going on that you wouldn't go ghost hunting."
"I'm not ghost hunting. I...I thought the statue would be here."
"What? The statue!" His face crumpled in disbelief. "Your statue has already caused more trouble than it's worth."
"Exactly. And I never would've bought it if you hadn't badgered me into going for a drive with you!" As much as Danielle wished it was true, words spoken earlier echoed in denial: Destiny finds you. Things happen for a reason.
Greg certainly wasn't buying her rationale. "That's a bunch of crap." He'd given up banging on the door and searched the confines of the small space for another way out.
Danielle sank to the ground, knowing her cousin's search was futile. She wrapped her arms around her legs, chin resting on her knees.
Greg grabbed her by the shoulder and she winced under his glowering stare. "What the hell is going on?" he demanded.
"I don't know," Danielle choked out, the anger draining away as her eyes filled with tears "I had this dream..." she began and swiped at a tear with the back of her finger.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Vivid emotion? Yes. This scenes reeks of it––in a good way. I have no complaints about the emotion. It's vivid and clear. I love it.
ReplyDeleteDialogue? It was good. Believable.
Overall, wonderful. My only issue was her tearing up at the end. I know that crying is understandable in that sort of situation, but it seems out of context, somehow.
But then, maybe it would be more in context after reading further on.
Point is, I loved the emotion and the dialogue. *applauds*
I though the emotion was there. I could feel her anger, and later, her frustration, as well as her cousin's. It comes across well in the dialogue. I did think it could be stronger if the writing was improved. The first parg. seemed overwritten and a lot of this could be tightened up, but the emotion does come through.
ReplyDeleteInteresting title. (mine is #8)
ReplyDeleteDefinitely felt the emotion in here.
I wanted a little more definition about it though, got disappointment and frustration, felt there could be a few more in there.
Was thrown a bit with the lighting, with what they could/couldn't see. She could see things I thought should be too dark.
More emphasis on the darkness could increase the tension of the scene.
Nice submission!
I thought the tension was great in this piece and I liked the dialogue too. I had a small problem with the first line though. For some reason the Danielle's eye sockets "darting wildly" came over a bit clumsily - but I'm being picky! :-)
ReplyDeleteI thought this was really well done.
ReplyDeleteThat first sentence would be stronger if it was, "Danielle's eyes darted wildly" etc., but that's just a personal preference. In a situation like this, I like the lines to be punchier, indicative of the action. Other than that, there were a few word choices (rationale, confines) that I thought could've been more YA, but I enjoyed this a lot. The emotion here came through loud and clear, and I think the scene definitely accomplished what it was meant to :)
Great job,
Ninja Girl