TITLE: Blessed are the Dead
GENRE: Mystery
Another boyfriend pissed off at me over a dead body. The silence on the other end of the line confirms it. Snapping my cell phone shut, I turn my attention to the view out my windshield.
Flashing red and blue lights and yellow crime scene tape mar the beauty of the trees framing the distant San Francisco skyline.
"One-Eighty-Seven," a cop's voice crackles through the speakers of the police scanner bolted to my dashboard. It's the California penal code for murder. "Looks like a double."
Two bodies? I forget about my limping love life -- the clock is ticking. The paper goes to bed in four hours so I've got to hustle.
A group of people clusters at the bottom of a driveway that snakes its way up into a thick stand of trees. The crime scene tape strung between two trees blocks the drive and the cops aren't letting anyone any closer.
Peering up the hill, I can just glimpse a hint of the A-frame house with its huge deck on stilts facing the bay. The view off that Oakland Hills deck must be spectacular, with tonight's sunset transforming the San Francisco Bay into a glowing pink and orange inferno, sending sparks off the rollicking waves. I can't help but think how the two dead bodies inside that house will never see that stunning vista again.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I mis-read the first line - I thought he was literally pissing at her over a dead body. Which was quite an arresting image, but not very inviting.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I thought there was too much scene-setting and not enough getting on with it.
I loved this first paragraph (no mistaken corpse pissing for me :-) ) and it definitely hooked me. I also liked how it took a few beats to figure out what her role was at this crime scene. The last two paragraphs are where you lost me a bit - maybe tighten it up a little to keep the pacing on track. Overall, a great read and I'd definitely keep going.
ReplyDeleteMH87: I like the concept and the vagueness at the beginning works, but it might work better if the first line was ironed out. I didn't totally understand it and might demand too much of a reader.
ReplyDeleteI also suggest considering this in past tense. Present tense is reading a bit awkward for me.
The first line tripped me up a bit, too. Perhaps:
ReplyDeleteAnother boyfriend pissed off at me because of a dead body.
Other than that, the writing is just fine. I liked the reveal of the MC as a reporter. My only issue is that nothing about this feels fresh. It feels like the opening to any one of a handful of TV cop dramas.
Is there a higher level of connection of your MC to the crime scene, beyond just it being her job? Is there a unique way to get her to the scene? Maybe, rather than the police scanner alerting her to the double homicide, she's tipped off in another way?
Your writing is solid, I'm just not sold on the story. But good luck just the same!
I appreciated the imagery at the end of the scene. The location and description of the two dead people never enjoying the view again.
ReplyDeleteBut, the first paragraph did not draw me in. I didn't think there was actual urination happening, but I imagined the two of them standing over a dead body.
You might consider flipping the first two lines and giving us a little more to work with.
Bob's silence on the other end of the line confirms the sinking feeling in my stomach. Another missed dinner. Another pissed off boyfriend. All for a dead body .
You get the idea.
I didn't have trouble with the first line, and it drew me in because I wanted to know what was up with the dead bodies. I thought your only real problem was the second parg., and that's very minor.
ReplyDeleteFlashing red and blue lights and yellow crime scene tape mar the beauty of the trees framing the distant San Francisco skyline.
It just seems that if you're looking at the skyline, you're looking at it from a distance and at sky level. While she might be able to pick out the flashing lights, could she even see the police tape? The description makes me think she's far from the site, but the rest of the piece makes me think that isn't what you're saying. And she does get there quickly. Perhaps that could be clearer.
And while it is a cliche opening, I suspect mystery readers are okay with it because so many murder mysteries start the same way. On the other hand, an editor or agent may put it aside simply because they're tired of reading the same opening. So you might want to think about making it fresh in some way.
I loved that I thought her a cop at first but then was proven wrong. If you can keep the reader guessing at the mystery throughout like that, it will be fabulous!
ReplyDeleteHowever, be careful of extraneous details. You can get rid of the second paragraph, especially since you talk about the San Francisco Bay later.
Also be careful of trite sentiments: I can't help but think how the two dead bodies inside that house will never see that stunning vista again.
But, I like the protagonist, which is important!
I enjoyed thinking at first the character was a cop, then turned out to be a reporter. It wasn't confusing, but artful. Overall, a great description of a crime scene by a professional who's not on the in with the police.
ReplyDeleteThe last sentence might be changed to some comment on the odd combination of the stunning view and the ugly reality of dead bodies.
I also tripped over the first line, but I think you can keep it if you place it after some dialog. Maybe try:
ReplyDelete"Mark, I have to go." The silence on the other end of the line confirmed my fear: Another boyfriend pissed off at me because of a dead body. Snapping my cell phone shut, I turn my attention to the view out my windshield.