TITLE: Insulin Junkies
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Nothing feels worse than standing in a high school bathroom holding your jeans up to the hand-dryer. The door doesn't lock, so I haul the big metal trash can in front of it, hoping it'll keep some people from coming in, and stand there in nothing but my shirt, washing my underwear. It dries fast under the heat of the hand-dryer, so at least I can wear something as I put my jeans under the faucet and then wring them out. That trash can will only hold the door shut for so long, and the hand-dryer can't work fast enough.
Standing there with my jeans held to the air leaves me a lot of time to think. At first, I try to distract myself, thinking, God, if you just dry my pants, I will volunteer every single weekend for charity. I've already missed pre-calculus; if I stand here much longer, I'll be late for English too. All I want is to skulk out of the building and catch a bus home, but I don't have a jacket, thanks to the June sun, and I'm not risking anyone seeing that I've pissed my pants.
God isn't listening; my pants still have a huge damp patch. I wish I could call a friend, get her to bring me my P.E. clothes or something, but there's no one that I can let see me like this. Nine months at this school and my closest friend is my ex-boyfriend.
Miss Snark's First Victim
What a picture! Poor girl--certainly not your usual high school problem, which piqued my interest from the beginning. (Totally wondering about the title with the story and want to read more!)
ReplyDelete"...a lot of time to think. At first, I try to distract myself..." Maybe "a lot of time to think and make bargains with God..."? It doesn't seem like what she's doing is distraction, so much as wishful thinking.
The character's voice is consistent throughout and matches your word choice for her. Good job!
I love the title and am intrigued by what got your MC into this predicament.
ReplyDeleteI agree that she is PLEADING for the situation to be resolved and not distracting herself at all. And I think I wanted more from this paragraph - more pleading and bargaining. She's almost a little too nonchallant and not as panicked as I'd imagine someone to be.
Ah, interesting predicament. I want to keep reading to know how she got there! Interesting comment about the ex-boyfriend, too.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph is a little back and forward to me--she's drying her pants, then washing her pants--I think a tense change would fix it for me. "Nothing feels worse than standing in a high school bathroom holding your jeans up to the hand-dryer. When the door didn't lock, I hauled the big metal trash can in front of it..."
LOVE the title, btw.
"God isn't listening."
ReplyDeleteThat line sums up your MC's humor and helplessness in an awkward situation and makes her immediately likable. With some tightening (mentioned in the above comments), I'd definitely read on. A nice twist on the old "new kid at school" cliche!
Good luck!
This is definitely intriguing! And your protagonist is definitely likeable!
ReplyDeleteBe careful of consistency, some readers above commented on the fact that she claims she's distracting herself, but isn't at all.
Also, make sure your prose is tight. I would have the last sentence of the second paragraph read, "All I want is to skulk out of the building and catch a bus home, but I'm not risking anyone seeing that I've pissed my pants." We will see that she doesn't have a jacket and that it's warm later.
I thought you did a great job of introducing both an internal and external problem. I'm wondering why she pissed her pants, although the title hints at a medical problem, and then we also have the no friends plotline.
ReplyDeleteMy only issue was with the first parg.. It doesn't read as smooth as it could because things aren't happening linearly. If you changed it all to past tense (except for the first sentence which is what she's doing now)) that issue would be resolved.
MH87:
ReplyDeleteThe voice is great and I instantly like and feel bad for your character all at the same time.
This sentence kind of stood out as weak for me : "That trash can will only hold the door shut for so long, and the hand-dryer can't work fast enough."
"for so long" and "can't work fast enough" are place holders waiting for better description. The quality and smoothness of the writing is solid throughout, which is why this was a bit of a sore thumb.
I would most definitely read on though. Great stuff!