TITLE: White Lies and Friendship Ties
GENRE: Middle Grade Contemporary
Connor tore down the park trail so fast, he could barely breathe. It was a stupid way to run, and he knew it. But this wasn't his normal jog. He had to find out if the envelope was still there, or if it was gone too-just like his dad.
He raced toward the lake and crossed the rickety footbridge. As sunlight broke through the cloudy September morning, he stopped at the second wooden bench on the left-the one with the missing seat. Underneath it, he found the clump of rocks and tipped back the biggest one. Potato bugs scurried for cover. He brushed the stragglers away and picked up the envelope, lying right where his dad said it would be. He ripped it open, and smiled.
Yes! This will snap Mom out of her zombie trance, for sure. He raced back up the trail. There wasn't much time to get home before Caitlin rang the doorbell, and dragged him off to school. The whole seventh grade would be waiting-no staring. Like what happened to his dad was big news. If only they knew how weird his mom had been acting since then, too.
Then they'd really stare.
He snuck into his house, and got ready for school in eight minutes flat, a new personal record. His mom's bedroom door was open, but she wasn't sleeping or staring off into space. Her bed was made perfect-like it always used to be. That's weird.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I would read a little more of this. I liked how you used the fact that his mom is suddenly acting normal to show that things are getting weirder. Nice twist.
ReplyDeleteSome of the writing could be tightened up a bit. For example, you could leave out the line "but this wasn't his normal jog." You're making that clear in other ways, so it's unnecessary. Also, you need a comma after "no" in "no staring," otherwise it means the opposite of what you want it to.
Hooked. I want to keep reading this because it was intriguing and I want to know what happenned to the dad and why the mom is acting up (posted by Maddy, 10 yrs old).
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice in this one. And the mystery drew me in for sure.
You start off right in the thick of things with a nice little mystery, but the excerpt is told instead of shown. You might want to get more showing in.
ReplyDeletePerhaps add something to the first sentence that shows Connor running, rather than just saying that's what he was doing. Then you might cut the next two sentences because, at this point, the reader wants to know aout the envelope and it doesn't really matter what his usual way of running is, or that he thinks running that way is stupid.
You might also get in how he feels about the situation. He almost seems excited about his Mom, like he's looking forward to everyone finding out how weird she's being. Perhaps make clear how he really feels about that.
It could use some tweaking but, overall, it's a nice start.
Nice intrigue in your intro! I'd definitely read on. I'd like to find out the reasons behind Connor's parents' behavior, whether it's something mundane or fantastic. Since you listed the genre as MG contemporary, I'm guessing the cause is more down-to-earth, though it makes your story no less interesting. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI'd read more. The only thing that gave me pause was the Mom's zombie-like trance. I'm sure you're using this metaphorically, but with all the mg fantasy out there, you don't want to confuse the reader on the first page thinking this might be a zombie book!
ReplyDeleteIs there some confusion about showing/telling in an earlier comment? This opening is very active (showing); the character is running. Although you could definitely get rid of these unnecessary sentences, they kind of bog things down: "It was a stupid way to run, and he knew it. But this wasn't his normal jog."
Some nice details, too, like the potato bugs scattering. Hooked.
I loved the first line. I immediately wanted to know why he was running. You kept me going with the envelope. The word "zombie" pulled me right out of the story, though. On the second read I understood she was probably in a state of shock. It got a little confusing when you talked about the other kids staring. You might want to take out the line about his mother there. We already know she's not acting normally. Other than that -- I'm hooked. I still want to know what's in the envelope.
ReplyDeleteIn the first paragraph, I like the immediacy of the first line, but I find it loses a lot because of the second and third sentences... if he's really got only the one thing in his mind and he's racing for it, he's not going to be contemplating how stupid it is to run like that or that it's not like his usual jog...
ReplyDelete"...toward the lake" is very passive... easy fix to swap the sentence around and say he "crossed the rickety bridge by the lake". You might also think about describing the light at the beginning of this line rather than put it in the second line 'cause it slows down the immediacy of him grabbing for the envelope.
I love the potato bugs line :)
I'd like a little more about what will happen when he gets to school... it's so vague (I don't know if them staring is a good or bad thing) that I lose interest as it seems you're deliberately holding back information.