TITLE: Nice Girls Don't Date Musicians
GENRE: Women's Fiction
I searched twenty-seven years for it, and in the end it lingered for only the briefest of moments. But I held on to that moment because when it arrived, it tasted like pure, liberating bliss.
It came to me in a smoky blue-lit club in February, those notes swimming in the stuffy air. They were like drops of manna falling about my head.
I listened from the back of the crowd, my heart dancing with the zealous belief that this was the culmination of my dreams. Matt Hartley introduced his next song and I leaned forward as if the music would reach my ears faster. Music that had been the ceaseless soundtrack from my turbulent teens to my zigzagging twenties. But this song - this song outshone them all.
A hushed audience drank in Matt's tale of a tenacious bond and how it had lifted him from the mire. The crowd may not have known the woman he sang about stood behind them, overjoyed, but it wasn't the spotlight I craved.
As the song took flight, Val whispered, "Bet five years ago you wouldn't have counted on being here right now." Five years to the week that Matt asked for my number after a quick meet-and-greet. The pensive stage persona had since melted away to the lovable, vulnerable man I knew.
This was the epitome of success: reciprocated love from someone who wasn't afraid to say it out loud. That was what proved it. Once shared with an audience, there was no taking it back.
Miss Snark's First Victim
#37,
ReplyDeleteBelow I have my comments in the text. I do like the setting, and I do like where you’re going, however you keep beating around the bush with these unnecessary sentences and it’s dragging the story down.
Good luck!
TITLE: Nice Girls Don't Date Musicians [I’m not crazy about the title. However, I get a sense of what the story is about.]
GENRE: Women's Fiction
I searched twenty-seven years for it, and in the end it lingered for only the briefest of moments.[ I like the first line.] But I held on to that moment because when it arrived, it tasted like pure, liberating bliss. [Delete this sentence.]
It came to me in a smoky blue-lit club in February, those notes swimming in the stuffy air. They were like drops of manna falling about my head. [Ah, she’s hearing music. Perhaps she’s in a jazz club?]
I listened from the back of the crowd, my heart dancing with the zealous belief that this was the culmination of my dreams. [Delete the rest of the ". . . my heart dancing. . ." part.] Matt Hartley introduced his next song and I leaned forward as if the music would reach my ears faster. Music that had been the ceaseless soundtrack from my turbulent teens to my zigzagging twenties. [So the MC is in her twenties? A good way to slip in the MC’s age.] But this song - this song outshone them all.
A hushed audience drank in Matt's tale of a tenacious bond and how it had lifted him from the mire. The crowd may not have known the woman he sang about stood behind them, overjoyed, but it wasn't the spotlight I craved. [You keep beating around the bush. I want some action!]
As the song took flight, Val whispered, "Bet five years ago you wouldn't have counted on being here right now." Five years to the week that Matt asked for my number after a quick meet-and-greet. The pensive stage persona had since melted away to the lovable, vulnerable man I knew.
This was the epitome of success: reciprocated love from someone who wasn't afraid to say it out loud. That was what proved it. Once shared with an audience, there was no taking it back.
i actually liked the "pure, liberating bliss," but i do think some conflict could be introduced a bit sooner here.
ReplyDeleteI would read on!
ReplyDeleteA few comments:
The first paragraph, I'm wondering "it" refer to. Do you mean the romantic attraction between the MC and Matt Harley? In my opinion, the paragraph that begins "A hushed audience drank..." can be cut. That par slows the narrative down.
I searched twenty-seven years for it, and in the end it lingered for only the briefest of moments. But I held on to that moment because when it arrived, it tasted like pure, liberating bliss.
ReplyDeleteThe "it" bumps for me in this paragragh. There's four so it seems overdone. I think it might be a bit too vague. Other than that, the writings good. I'd read on.
You set the scene, introduced the characters, declared mutual love, but there’s no conflict to keep me interested. Some people might read on looking for a nice love story, but for me it’s flowing too slow for that. There's no hint of struggle to get to where they are now. I like the voice and imagery, but it doesn’t hook me.
ReplyDeleteI think there is an underlying tension...perhaps you're going to introduce to the reader what led your MC up to this point (that's the trouble with just 250 words...) I also thought the passage was very lyrical which was a nice compliment to the fact that the setting was a concert/show. I like the title, but it does feel a bit clunky...maybe as the tag line? Like it, want to read more!
ReplyDeleteThis is a nice description of love and romance, but that's all it is. Where is the conflict, the problem, the dilemma, the reason to read on? It may be coming up later, but later may be too late. I expected something in parg 3.
ReplyDeleteI'm also thinking 'it' is love, and I wonder why you don't say it? Why does it have to be 'it' for six pargs?
Parg 1 it lingered for moments (plural) and she held onto that moment (singular)
Parg 2. It came to me . . . those notes . . . As written, the notes are 'it.'
My suggestion would be to get some kind of problem or issue onto this first page.
A bit too overwrought for my taste. A lot of build up for not enough "pow." I'd rather see emotion, in scene, than be told about it. Also, lots of syntactical errors in this. The ones in the first sentences really tripped me up. "Moments" becomes "moment"... Not the sort of booboo you want right at the start. Also, the music notes as manna comparison didn't work for me.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the time you all took to read this, and I'll be making use of the helpful comments for sure.
ReplyDeleteGreatly appreciated. As useful as this exercise has been, I enjoyed reading everyone else's 250 word contributions just as much. Cheers, folks.
After thinking about this (is anyone going to actually read this now the contest has ended anyhow?), I'm a bit confused about what the Secret Agent has said, that "briefest of moments" and "moment" are wrong. When you say "it lingered for the briefest of moments" that actually, to my mind, sounds like it means, that moment was the BRIEFEST of moments. It was a brief moment. So then to go on and say that moment was x-y-z doesn't seem wrong to me.
ReplyDeleteBut if I'm being daft and misunderstanding, I'd be glad for the help!
You have moments and them moment in the same paragraph. Maybe it's that.
ReplyDeleteAlso, there is no such thing as 'the briefest of moments'. A moment is brief, minute. There is no distinction between the length of one moment and another. All moments are the same length.
I've since completely changed this so the phrase in question is no longer there. But a quick Google search of the phrase "briefest of moments" shows me that a lot of writers must think they're allowed to use poetic licence, as it's showing up in all sorts of blogs, books, and even the Shawshank Redemption. Maybe that's where I subconsciously stole it. Either way, it's gone, so thanks for letting me know it doesn't make sense to you. I appreciate your time.
ReplyDelete