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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 1 #21

TITLE: She Cried Wolf
GENRE: YA Thriller

After witnessing a teacher’s indiscretion with another student, troublemaker Quincy Carter hatches a plan to expose the wolf in sheep’s clothing but her teacher has a scheme of his own and it starts with silencing Quincy for good.
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13 comments:

  1. Shiela Calderón BlankemeierSeptember 28, 2011 at 11:29 AM

    This is a good setup! Clear, concise, stakes laid out. I'd read it :) One question, and it may not matter, see what others say, how old is your MC? There can be a big difference between a freshman and a senior. Good luck!

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  2. martintjSeptember 28, 2011 at 11:30 AM

    This is really good. Concise, and yet it gets to the point. I would like to know a little more about Quincy-like age. You might make a second sentence starting with "But her teacher".

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  3. Iris St. ClairSeptember 28, 2011 at 1:08 PM

    Gulp. An evil teacher who commits indiscretions AND potentially murders. I like it!

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  4. geewizSeptember 28, 2011 at 1:42 PM

    Love the blurb, would recommend dropping.changing the cliche "wolf in sheep's clothing"

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  5. KimberlyFDRSeptember 28, 2011 at 1:45 PM

    I like this set-up! Would like to know Quincy's age (and perhaps a specification on the indiscretion: did she seem him kissing a Freshman, a Senior, something more?) I'd read this!

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  6. staceyleeSeptember 28, 2011 at 1:54 PM

    don't need the cliche about the wolf; i'm left with the sense that the teacher is going to kill Quincy. a little unbelievable? "silence for good" is another cliche - do you mean kill? if it "starts" there, could it possibly get worse (if you do mean kill)?

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  7. AnnaSeptember 28, 2011 at 1:54 PM

    I agree about leaving out the sheep/wolf line. You've done a great job setting up the story about a troublemaker seeing something bad that's not her fault. Love it!

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  8. RuthSeptember 28, 2011 at 2:26 PM

    This one caught my eye. I agree about the cliche but I still think this sounds like a great story.

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  9. Holly BodgerSeptember 28, 2011 at 2:31 PM

    Get rid of "wolf in sheep's clothing". Clichés don't belong in loglines.

    Next, tell us why Quincy wants to expose the teacher. If she's a troublemaker, she doesn't sound like she'd do it out of the goodness of her heart.

    Finally, we need something more concrete than "a plan to expose". What does she actually do and why is it hard?

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  10. AnonymousSeptember 28, 2011 at 8:24 PM

    wolf in sheep's clothing sort of stopped me, but otherwise, good job!

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  11. Adopted GoddessSeptember 28, 2011 at 8:41 PM

    So let me get this straight- I should delete "wolf in sheep's clothing?" So you're saying you don't like it ;).

    Really, I can't thank each of you enough for the critiques. Having several other sets of eyes is a huge help. This has been a positive experience!

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  12. Sarah AhiersSeptember 28, 2011 at 10:03 PM

    i like this a lot. The only thing i'd say is maybe split it into 2 sentences. There would be a clear break right before the "but". I don't have a problem with the cliche, but that's just me

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  13. shelleySeptember 29, 2011 at 2:01 AM

    Well done. I'd read! My kind of book.

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