TITLE: The Forces of Heaven and Hell Alike
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
The demon Liam has been on Earth for centuries, gathering souls when their contracts come due and marking others for future payment, but what neither Heaven nor Hell know is that he's also engaging in a secret relationship with the angel Mikael. Over time they've influenced each other to the point that their concepts of good and evil have become blurred, but when the archangel Gabriel changes his game plan and seeks to use Mikael against Liam in a battle for Heaven, the two must keep secret their connection while serving their roles. Will their devotion to each other be more powerful than their devotion to Heaven and Hell?
Miss Snark's First Victim
This sounds like a great story, but is wieghed down with TMI :) You'll want to cut this to it's barest bones: who's your MC, what does he want, and what happens if he fails? You don't need to introduce all these character and their background. While interesting, it makes for a mouthfull. You've got a fantastic premise - let it shine! HTH :)
ReplyDeleteThe 150-word limit opens these up to more than pure loglines, but I do like the story premise here a lot. For a logline, how about "A devil roaming the earth has a secret relationship with an angel that serves their own purposes instead of their respective employers."
ReplyDeleteyour storyline is definitely interesting, just cut down the paragraph to maybe a couple of sentences.
ReplyDeleteInteresting concept; don't need the part about "overtime they've" etc, just basic set up, character and goal. I'm a little confused about whether there's gender here; is Mikael "female"?
ReplyDeleteA demon and an angel fall in love. When the head angel calls them to duty, they must (goal?)
Is this a M/M relationship or are they two buddies? Or is Mikael female? I can't tell but I'm leaning toward M/M romance. If that's not the case then you probably need a word or two tweaked to clarify. Otherwise, I'd be interested in reading examples of good seeping into bad and bad seeping into good.
ReplyDeleteI would cut down some of the words here, and keep things more clean cut: MC, goal, consequences. Example:
ReplyDeleteThe demon Liam has gathered and marketed souls on Earth for centuries, but neither Heaven nor Hell knows about his secret relationship with the angel Mikael. When the archangel Gabriel changes his game plan and seeks to use Mikael against Liam in a battle for Heaven, the two must keep secret their connection while serving their roles, ((((OR ELSE.))))
This last line I'd almost leave out, since it's a log line, not the back of a book=> "Will their devotion to each other be more powerful than their devotion to Heaven and Hell?"
You're close! Best of luck. :)
Great premise, and definitely something I'd pick up and browse through to see if it hooked me further. But, like everyone said, waaaay too long. Get to the heart of the conflict and pare away the back story.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting, but as others have said, too long. I really liked Maggie's suggestion for a way to shorten it.
ReplyDeleteOoo, I want to read this. Yes, it is wordy, but it does make sense. Condense the middle. "...with the angel Mikael, blurring both creatures' concepts of good and evil. When archangel Gabriel seeks to use Mikael in a battle for Heaven, Liam and Mikael must decide where their true devotion lies..." or something like that. I'm sorry I'm not more help. This time constraint is stressing me a bit. There is a time constraint right? 5 EST?
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like your main character is Liam and that this story starts with Gabriel doing something to turn Mikael against him. If so, what does he do to incite this story? Next, you need to be a bit more clear about the fact that their goal is to keep their secret and the consequences of this secret being exposed would be ??? Finally, we need to know what will make it difficult to keep their secret hidden.
ReplyDeleteMy only other comment would be that you should not assume that people know the rules of your world just because it is Heaven and Hell. You are creating your own world so if something is wrong (such as a demon having a relationship with an angel), you should say it.
Good luck!
Holly
I'm no expert :-) but what I've read about log lines is they should be quite short: 1-2 sentences, possibly 50 words max. I know there's no set formula, but you might try reducing this some. Interesting story!
ReplyDeleteYour story sounds amazing, but your logline reads more like a query. I'm confused about the relationship between Liam and Mikael, so explaining their dynamic a bit more might help. You can probably nix the first sentence (save for query) and discuss his relationship with Mikael before delving into his dilemma.
ReplyDeleteReaders don't care if the story sounds like a query and how long or short the log line should be. They care about the tale and whether or not it appeals to them. I've read all of the log lines but this one...Oh my! This premise is to DIE FOR!
ReplyDeleteYour story sounds absolutely brilliant! I am going so far to say that this is a bestseller in the making, and one fans of religious fantasy (and fantasy as a whole) have been waiting for.
With that said, you do have to conform to the requirements of the business, and you reveal a bit too much in this piece. I also would cut the very last sentence (the question) as it adds nothing to the log line and might solicit a very nasty sarcastic answer in the reader's mind (this usually tends to be the case with such questions).
Aside from that, you have a bestselling concept and one that will appeal not only to readers, but film agents as well. Did I mention a Hollywood producer will pay big bucks for an idea like this?
Well done! I sincerely hope you continue to pursue publication and never give up no matter what. Fans of the novel "The Forces of Heaven and Hell Alike" are desperately awaiting its release. ^_^
Great idea, but way TMI! Narrow this down to just one or two sentences that introduce the characters, goals and stakes.
ReplyDeleteThis is too long for a logline. You've got a lot of information here that you should leave for the query (it seems to be a common problem amongst some of these loglines). Try something like:
ReplyDeleteThe demon Liam has been engaged in a secret relationship with angel Mikael. When Heaven and Hell go to war, Liam and Mikael must decide whether their devotion to each other is more powerful than their devotion to their realms.
Or something. I might not have it quite right, but a lot of the info in your original can be cut, eg. does it matter than it's Gabriel who changes the game plan?
Good luck, it sounds like an interesting story.
I agree with the others, that this is a bit on the long side for a logline, but constructive criticism fades away to the single thought of "Dude, I really want to read this. Like, now."
ReplyDelete