TITLE: RAVEN'S WING
GENRE: YA fantasy with SF elements
Caught in a web of political intrigue, a young woman sees her family members killed or enslaved. She joins the rebels as a spy and then pilot so she can save her sisters, the friend who betrayed her and the two men she loves.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The premise is vague. I'd like some specifics (names at least). Who is this young woman? When were her sisters kidnapped? I'm assuming this is what caused her to join the rebels. How about the friend and the two men? When were they kidnapped? All at the same time? I need more specifics on what's actually going on and the consequences of her actions.
ReplyDeleteI want her name. I want how her friend betrayed her (and why is she still trying to save her? That might be too much information for the log line, but if her friend is the reason her family got killed or such, mention that - it makes for a more gripping tale).
ReplyDelete"and then pilot" seems like an unnecessary addition to this - we know that she joined the rebels as a spy, and we can read, in your book, why/when she becomes a pilot. Without information as to why learning that she is a pilot is going to further the plot line, it seems just like extra information right now.
You want to be careful using terms that are both vague and cliche. What exactly is a "web of political intrigue" in this book and why does it result in the family members being killed or enslaved? This is inciting your story so you need to be clear as to why it motivated the main character to enter the conflict.
ReplyDeleteAfter that, the challenges are fairly clear (aside from the pilot thing) but we need the consequences. What happens if she fails? Is this "web of political intrigue" out to kill everyone including her? What happens if they win?
Best of luck!
Holly
I agree that this is decent but a bit too generic. Give us a name for the protagonist, and more specifics about the political intrigue and spying. It might help as well to use more active words - "a young woman sees," for example, presents her as rather passive. Show that she's doing something, not just having things happen to her.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
This sounds like an exciting story. I'd like a bit more information and clarity.
ReplyDeleteDo you mean she sees her family killed AND enslaved? 'Or' makes it sould like she's not sure what happened. Consider rewriting the last line. That's a lot of people to introduce at the end and feels tacked on. She loves two men? Why risk her life for a non-friend who betrayed her? Maybe cut some if you don't have room to fully explain here, and say, save her family? Or if it's more romance, cut the sisters, and talk about her two lovers instead. Good luck!
This is a bit too vague, I think. Who is the enemy? State it clearly, rather than saying a web of political intrigue. What is the enemy trying to do (why did they kidnap her family) Name your MC. The problem is made clear here, and her goals are implied (to save her family) You might clarify the two men she loves. This is YA. Are they really men or boys. Might one be the boy she loves, and the other her father, or are they both love interests? Make it clear. And what happens if she fails. Obvioulsy her loved ones will die or be slaves, but what is the conseuence to her personally?
ReplyDeleteThis is close, but the sentence structure seems a tad off. What about something like 'When a young woman witnesses the death of her family, she joins a group of political rebels in a struggle to..." But then I just noticed that there is a bit of discordance with the first and second sentence. What do these rebels want and how is she helping them? Is there something bigger at stake than the lives of her sisters, friend, and the men she loves? I'm wondering where the politics part comes in. Also, from this logline I wouldn't have guessed at this being YA. Good luck with this :D
ReplyDeleteWow. Talk about the scales falling from my eyes. Amazing how difficult it is to see my own work. *Hugs* to everybody for your excellent feedback. I’m just throwing in an alternative. This is too long and still needs work:
ReplyDeleteA corrupt king wants Veldt and her sisters to secretly bear his heirs. She escapes, but when Veldt is betrayed, she is forced to kill her own brother before an evil priestess can entomb him alive. She joins the rebels as a spy and plans a coup against her enemies. Veldt must trust the friend who betrayed her and risk everyone she loves, or the king and priestess will destroy her people.
I should have said I'm writer #7 in post above. Since I went anonymous, I can't trash it and repost.
ReplyDeleteThe longer version is better, though I'm not sure it needs to part about the evil priestess (it mentions the betrayal, which is good, but is otherwise a bit confusing to the main plot).
ReplyDeleteTo Anonymous:
ReplyDeleteI understand your revised version better but you need to get those first two sentences into one tight one. Try something like, "When the king tries to force Veldt to secretly bear his child, she is forced to escape leaving blah blah blah (something about why this sucks). Joining the rebels, she must a whole bunch of challenges, otherwise the king will exact his revenge not just on her but everyone around her."
I'm not saying you should do exactly what I said because it sucks, but the point is to try to focus on the main character's goal, challenges and consequences. We don't need to know about anyone else in the logline.
Holly
I agree with Adam. The second one has good specifics, but too many.
ReplyDeleteI would shorten the longer version to something along these lines...
A corrupt king wants Veldt and her sisters to secretly bear his heirs. Veldt escapes, joins the rebels as a spy, and plans a coup against her enemies. But for the coup to succeed, she must risk everyone she loves, or the king will destroy her people.
I would suggest reworking the last line, though, since either way the people she loves are put in danger so it doesn't seem like a real choice.
It sounds like a great story. You don't need to cram so much in, the basic premise will sell itself on its own.
Good luck!
I didn't think this would be a workshop, but I'm thrilled folks are continuing to help. Here's yet another version incorporating the latest suggestions:
ReplyDeleteWhen the king tries to force Veldt to secretly bear his heir, she has to abandon her family and joins the rebels as a spy. She leads a coup, but if she fails, the king will exact his revenge on her and everyone she loves.
Get on over to Rachelle Gardner's blog for the worst logline contest. Now on my way to return the favor.
I like your new version a lot! Clear, easy to follow, intriguing details.
ReplyDeleteGreat work!
I love how she wants to save the betrayer - it makes the protagonist immediately likeable so we want to read on... could be even better if the friend was the one who cost the protagonist her family...???
ReplyDelete