Pages

▼

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

September Secret Agent #ALT-1

TITLE: The Error
GENRE: Adult Fiction


Against the advice of my mentor, I keep a gun in my drawer.

Harvey says a lawyer with a gun will eventually use it either on a client or on himself. Harvey is 62 and thinks he knows everything, but sometimes he’s clueless, living in the past. What lawyer nowadays doesn’t keep a gun in her desk?

I stare at the Ruger—a Super Blackhawk.

Ten minutes.

That’s how long Brandi, my assistant, thinks she can stall the FBI Special Agent who showed up unannounced. Then he’ll step through my door for our first face-to-face since I switched sides. He thinks I’ll cooperate with him, but things are complicated.

The gun beckons. I reach in, hesitate, and then pick it up. I aim it at my father’s face in our lovely family portrait. My attention shifts to my wonderful husband in the golden frame on my desk.
Then I gaze into the Ruger’s barrel and caress the trigger.

Nine minutes.


Last year a grateful client nick-named me “quick-draw” and gave me the revolver after I blew holes in the prosecution’s case. That’s how a trial should go: surprise your opponent with something she never thought about, watch the blood drain from her face, and accept victory with a touch of grace and a shitload of satisfaction.

The ancient Romans claimed poverty was the mother of crime, but no one’s poor any more. It’s “Scoreboard, Baby.” You win or you die.

But when the FBI comes knocking, no one wins.
at

19 comments:

  1. pj schnyderSeptember 21, 2011 at 10:13 AM

    Your MC has a strong voice, I really enjoyed it.
    The end of this sample kept me interested and wanting to read on, at least for the next couple of pages.

    The opening line read as a touch awkward for me though and I think it could be stronger, more active.

    Also, the introduction of Ruger could use a little more information. Is he sitting across the desk from her? Standing by the door? You can keep sentence structure concise to maintain the pacing but give the reader a little more to work with in terms of visualizing who she's dealing with.

    ReplyDelete
  2. GSMarleneSeptember 21, 2011 at 10:42 AM

    I was hooked with the first sentence - I understand her "relationship" with the gun.

    I was a little confused about the switching sides part - but that is what would make me want to read on - and I would want that one answered quickly.

    I thought the paragraph with the Roman concept felt out of place, but I would certainly want to keep reading this one. Good job.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Kathleen BasiSeptember 21, 2011 at 10:44 AM

    Hooked. Definitely. There's room for smoothing in the prose, but it's definitely very well written.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousSeptember 21, 2011 at 11:19 AM

    Hooked. Loved the voice. Good luck.

    HollyD

    ReplyDelete
  5. kboatmanSeptember 21, 2011 at 12:29 PM

    Fantastic first sentence. Some really great writing throughout and some that could use a little tightening up. I think the protagonist could use a little more motivation to pick up the gun. Not quite believable with an FBI agent outside her door. Loved the line about switching sides: taut, but informative. DIdn't think the last part was as strong as the first.

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousSeptember 21, 2011 at 12:53 PM

    Hooked! Good job. Definitely something I would read on

    ReplyDelete
  7. Carol Newman CroninSeptember 21, 2011 at 1:21 PM

    Hooked for sure, thanks to the strong voice. I agree with above comments that prose could still be tighter. Especially try to work around the serial "buts" in the last two sentences, which were jarring. But great job!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Shiela Calderón BlankemeierSeptember 21, 2011 at 2:06 PM

    Wow - this is great! Any questions I was left with were the good kind that makes me want to read more. Definitely hooked :) Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  9. CarolynSeptember 21, 2011 at 2:08 PM

    I think I'd rather see some of this shown and see the setting.

    This sounds familiar. Think I read something like this last year, but the woman was pregnant and had a gun.

    Good luck with this tough girl!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Secret AgentSeptember 21, 2011 at 3:10 PM

    I loved this. Love that she's a woman--it was a real surprise for me. Love all the zingers.

    ReplyDelete
  11. JessSeptember 21, 2011 at 3:22 PM

    This totally hooked me! It's very smoothly written, and I was able to just fall into the story. Would I turn the page? Absolutely! In fact, I wish there were more to read right now :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Diana JuliannaSeptember 21, 2011 at 4:23 PM

    Definitely hooked. I agree that the Roman part jarred me out a bit, but otherwise the narrative went by very smoothly for me. Great job! :D

    ReplyDelete
  13. Devon AshleySeptember 21, 2011 at 4:53 PM

    I'm hooked enough to keep reading a bit longer. :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. French LadySeptember 21, 2011 at 5:45 PM

    Excellent. I'm hooked. I'd read it.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Heather Day GilbertSeptember 21, 2011 at 6:57 PM

    very tight writing...i like the perspective here. hooked.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ninja GirlSeptember 22, 2011 at 1:04 AM

    I thought this was truly exceptional. Great, great job and definitely agree about the tight writing. Also filled with a great sense of atmosphere/tone/who the character is. Loved it.
    Ninja Girl

    ReplyDelete
  17. flash templateSeptember 22, 2011 at 7:13 AM

    I found lots of interesting information here. The post was professionally written and I feel like the author has extensive knowledge in the subject. Thanks you for the info.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Adopted GoddessSeptember 23, 2011 at 9:49 PM

    It read well and made sense. I understood the situation at hand and the characters involved. Nice tension and a good hook!

    ReplyDelete
  19. BronSeptember 24, 2011 at 4:05 AM

    I think I've read this before, and I remembering really liking it then. Not much I'd change, I was just a bit confused when you said she turned her attention to the photo of her husband - was she actually pointing the gun at him, or just looking at him? I assume you mean the former but I wasn't sure.

    ReplyDelete