TITLE: Smoke and Wait
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
Alex wants to sort out what her friend Will feels for her.
“I know if I try to start a conversation, you’ll clam up, start speaking in single word sentences. And we’ll be right back where we started. Or behind where we started, really, because now there’s this weirdness between us.”
“Maybe,” he said.
“You said yesterday I can tell you anything.”
“Yep.”
I wanted to flip a rice ball at him. Instead, I said, “Okay. Guilt is b******t."
“That’s it?”
Two words. We had progress. “It’s an emotion of inertia. It gets you nowhere or keeps you rolling in the same direction. You do something wrong, you feel bad? Fine. Don’t do it again and move on.”
Will’s nostrils flared, a bad sign. “You think my feelings are b******t?"
“No. I didn’t mean that.”
“I’m emotionally inert?”
S***. “No. Not at all, I just…”
He smiled.
“You are a b****.”
“And you are so easy,” he said.
“I am not easy.”
“You have rice in your hair.”
I dropped my chopsticks on my plate, tempted as I was to stab him with them, and flicked at the offending strand of hair.
And froze when Will’s fingers wrapped around mine.
“You can tell me anything, Alex.” He rubbed his thumb along the back of my hand. “Tell me what I shouldn’t do again.”
Not a hint of sadness or guilt in his voice. If he wanted permission, he had it. At that moment, I couldn’t think of a d**n thing he shouldn’t do.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I started cracking up at "flip a rice ball," and I would love to see more of that drawn through the section. Frustration should have her imagining ways to maim him with her food.
ReplyDeleteThe other note I have would be to keep track of her levels of emotion. At first she's all mad, and at the end she's all lusty, but in the middle, her emotion disappears (I think it should be confusion?). Keep up the tension the whole time!
I really enjoyed this entry!
You're entry is great because it captures the way two people have a conversation. It flows and you do not the exchange to do an information drop. Maybe more physical tags thrown in their as previously suggested but so far I like what I read.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing and good luck!
I really like the flow of this. It moved right along. If you decide to add more tags as has been suggested, be careful with the effect they have on your pacing. I think your pacing is practically perfect now.
ReplyDeleteI didn't feel like I had a problem following her emotions.
Love 'tempted as I was to stab him with them.'
I thought the problem here was with the emotions, in the sense that I don't feel any of the emotions Alex is having.
ReplyDeleteShe wants to stab him with her chopsticks and flip a rice ball at him (Both great lines!) but I'm not feeling the frustration and anger that go along with that.
Perhaps consider slowing the scene down by adding more. Not a lot. Just maybe show us what she's doing while she's talking. Is she playing with her food, like she's unsure about what she wants to say, or does she have her chopsticks in a death grip because she's so angry?
And what about Will? How is he taking what she's saying? How is he reacting? Is he leaning over the table, intent on her every word, or is he slouched back in his chair with an "I've head this all before' attitude?
Adding little things like that here and there could make your characters' emotions a bit clearer and more real for the reader.
I like the dialog. It's short and fast, more or less like people talk.
ReplyDeleteI think my problem was in following Will's emotions. He's offended that she discounts his feelings (which struck me as not a standard male reaction, but it might work for Will--I don't know his character), but then he turns around and gets seductive. I can't figure out what's going on in his head.
Alex's emotions are plenty clear, and I think you did a great job with that.
Like it! Felt true to a dating conversation early in a relationship. Got a little lost in the string between nostrils flaring and "so easy" he said. Just line breaks. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteThis is great. I could feel the frustration and tension mounting. I also felt like I got a sense of the characters and the conversation was realistic.
ReplyDeleteNice job. If I flipped this book open and read this section, I'd want to read more.
Loved the one word responses - which leads me to believe Will is not interested in Alex. Also, loved the flip a rice ball at him :) I'm not sure I'm following the Guilt comment. Why is Alex bringing up Guilt? Who said anything about feelings? Is Will admitting he has feelings now? I gather Will is playing with Alex - confirming with his smile and his "And you are so easy," but that could also be taken another way. Which is how Alex takes it, but I'm not sure why? Is she easy? Does she get around? Why would Will suggest that? I would think "you have rice in your hair" would lighten up Alex. Instead, she wants to stab him with her chopsticks - a tad over dramatic. What did Will do? Are they friends or in a relationship? The scene was engaging and I liked the bickering, but I couldn't figure out what was actually going on between them.
ReplyDeletesmooth flow; two clearly distinguishable characters.
ReplyDeleteone thought re "You are a b****" and also "You are so easy."
maybe "You're a b****" and "You're so easy."
You have rice in your hair - great lne.
I really liked the flow here, though it might be just me, but I don't usually see boys called "B****." Maybe "jerkw**" or "do***" or something. Of course, that might be younger than the MC's age.
ReplyDeleteI also did and didn't like the confluence of more formal words with the cursing, like "inert/inertia." I like it because it shows something about the characters, but it also...I dunno, feels too thought out for such an emotionally charged scene.
And I do agree with Adam that I found Will's train of thought a little difficult to understand; but on the other hand, this was super easy for me to read, and I really enjoyed it, so maybe it's clearer within the context of the rest of the book :)