This is pretty long for a logline. I think you can leave out some of the telling bits for the sake of shortening. For instance:
On the outside Emma is the popular girl, but on the inside she's a comic-book-loving nerd. The cute guy behind the counter at the local comic shop convinces her to indulge her inner nerd--conventions, LARPing, video games galore. But the lies she tells her friends and family will soon blow up in her face.
Or something like that. :) Sounds like a funny read.
The storyline n' the concept have me HOOKED! This feels long, but I love all the detail you've included. In my opinion it's your call whether to omit some of it or let it stand...
FANTASTIC WORK! GOOD LUCK N' THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS!
A lot of good information here, but I agree with Charity, some tightening needs to happen. As well, I'm not sure where the comedy comes into play so perhaps mention "hilarious attempts to cover up her summer activities" if that is where the comedy comes in.
If you can combine and word-shave the first few sentances, you can remove "so she can truly be herself" from the last sentance to help your word count and incorporate some plot tension. Good luck!
Great logline and super title! The sentence "When Alan. . ." is a little long but I agree with the earlier post that it's up to you to change or not. It doesn't detract from the logline but there's room to tighten it up.
This sounds cute and interesting, and (beyond tightening it up a bit, like others have said), I think it's mostly fine. Just from reading this, Emma doesn't sound like a very believable character (to me), but I suppose that I'd have to read the whole thing to really know that.
Two grammar errors: in the sentence "Comic conventions, LARPing, video games, nothing is off limits for Emma this summer", the last comma should not be there; it's incorrect. You need an em dash or a colon instead. Also, in the last sentence, both of the commas are incorrect and unnecessary.
You definitely need to tighten the beginning. Just tell us she's a popular girl but when she meets Alan, her inner dork escapes. After that, we need to know that she wants to be with Alan but also wants to keep him a secret. Finally, use some examples to show why this deception becomes more difficult and what it forces her to do (probably, make a choice).
This is pretty long for a logline. I think you can leave out some of the telling bits for the sake of shortening. For instance:
ReplyDeleteOn the outside Emma is the popular girl, but on the inside she's a comic-book-loving nerd. The cute guy behind the counter at the local comic shop convinces her to indulge her inner nerd--conventions, LARPing, video games galore. But the lies she tells her friends and family will soon blow up in her face.
Or something like that. :) Sounds like a funny read.
The storyline n' the concept have me HOOKED! This feels long, but I love all the detail you've included. In my opinion it's your call whether to omit some of it or let it stand...
ReplyDeleteFANTASTIC WORK! GOOD LUCK N' THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS!
A lot of good information here, but I agree with Charity, some tightening needs to happen. As well, I'm not sure where the comedy comes into play so perhaps mention "hilarious attempts to cover up her summer activities" if that is where the comedy comes in.
ReplyDeleteIf you can combine and word-shave the first few sentances, you can remove "so she can truly be herself" from the last sentance to help your word count and incorporate some plot tension. Good luck!
Great logline and super title! The sentence "When Alan. . ." is a little long but I agree with the earlier post that it's up to you to change or not. It doesn't detract from the logline but there's room to tighten it up.
ReplyDeleteIt blows up in her face, but we don't really have the sense of what she has to DO about it. Otherwise I think it's a great concept.
ReplyDeleteThere were five sentences. I thought that we needed to keep to three for a logline.
ReplyDeleteRegardless - I loved it! The voice was great. The story line was great.
I had to come back and say, "Good luck." I hope this works for you.
ReplyDeleteThis is more in synopsis land than logline land. Maybe shorten to two sentences?
ReplyDeleteWhat hilarious events? maybe specify one or two, but be brief.
I'd go with Charity's edited version
This sounds cute and interesting, and (beyond tightening it up a bit, like others have said), I think it's mostly fine. Just from reading this, Emma doesn't sound like a very believable character (to me), but I suppose that I'd have to read the whole thing to really know that.
ReplyDeleteTwo grammar errors: in the sentence "Comic conventions, LARPing, video games, nothing is off limits for Emma this summer", the last comma should not be there; it's incorrect. You need an em dash or a colon instead. Also, in the last sentence, both of the commas are incorrect and unnecessary.
I agree with everyone else on the tightening it up. But otherwise, it sound like a pretty nice logline. Good job!
ReplyDeleteYou definitely need to tighten the beginning. Just tell us she's a popular girl but when she meets Alan, her inner dork escapes. After that, we need to know that she wants to be with Alan but also wants to keep him a secret. Finally, use some examples to show why this deception becomes more difficult and what it forces her to do (probably, make a choice).
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly