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Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 2 #39

TITLE: Theatre Noir
GENRE: Paranormal Romance

Telepathic FBI Intern Kate Hayden infiltrates an eccentric troupe of vampire actors and musicians to investigate their role in a terrorist campaign that took the lives of her parents when she was a child. Falling in love with one of the main suspects wasn't part of the plan.
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17 comments:

  1. Jane VasarhelyiOctober 5, 2011 at 12:02 PM

    Nice summary that makes me want to read further. One item -- you could delete "when she was a child" and make the sentence stronger. We really don't need to know when the parents died.

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  2. Charity BradfordOctober 5, 2011 at 12:13 PM

    Jane said exactly what I was thinking. For simplicity, you might be able to take out "and musicians" too. The reader will get that with the book, and troupe sort of hints at a group of performers. Ooo, you could just say a performing troupe of vampires.

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  3. Ginger TsangOctober 5, 2011 at 12:59 PM

    You've done an excellent job of placing all angles of your story into that first sentance. The shorter second sentance adds a good sense of action/immediacy.

    My suggestion would be to consider past tense, "...Kate Hayden has infiltrated an..." I agree with Jane,'when she was a child' is something we can learn as we read your story.

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  4. samsevernOctober 5, 2011 at 1:32 PM

    WOW! HOOKED!! I LOVE IT!!! Nice title n' I love, love, love the idea of a "telepathic FBI intern" main character. I'd suggest adding detail to the "main suspect" she falls in love with. Otherwise, this is KILLER!

    GOOD LUCK N' THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS!

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  5. samsevernOctober 5, 2011 at 1:34 PM

    (P.S.:
    Just to put my 2 more cents in: I'd definitely keep the line "when she was a child" as it's one of the HOOKS for me!)

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  6. elizabethpOctober 5, 2011 at 1:47 PM

    I like the musicians. Adds color.

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  7. Jessica LeakeOctober 5, 2011 at 2:07 PM

    I thought this was well-written as is. Hooked! :)

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  8. DeeOctober 5, 2011 at 2:16 PM

    The list of "baddies" vampires, terrorists, suspects, etc. feels almost over the top, but that is what I think makes it so alluring, it's fiction- anything goes!
    Well done!

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  9. emeraldciteOctober 5, 2011 at 3:57 PM

    I liked how tight this was and it gets to the conflict quickly. Being an intern sucks.

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  10. HuntressOctober 5, 2011 at 5:46 PM

    Try breaking up that first sentence to heighten the tension.

    IMHO, short sentence create voice. Otherwise, I like the premise.

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  11. SujaOctober 5, 2011 at 5:47 PM

    Like it. To the point and hooks me in as is.

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  12. Holly BodgerOctober 5, 2011 at 6:02 PM

    This first line isn't acting like an inciting incident. It's acting like the book starts mid-action and you don't want that. Is she infiltrating them when it starts? If so, tell us what happens to make her do this. After that, you can put the romance as one of the complications but we need more information about the central conflict (meaning, are the vampires dangerous? Will they do something if they find her out?) Finally, tell us why she needs to do this. Is her whole goal just to find out what happened or does she want to bring them to justice in some way?

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  13. AnonymousOctober 5, 2011 at 7:39 PM

    How about this:

    "When telepathic FBI Intern Kate Hayden learns that someone in the Theatre Noir may have been involved in the terrorist bombing that took the lives of her parents, she infiltrates the eccentric troupe of vampires to find out the truth and bring them to justice. Falling in love with one of the main suspects wasn't part of the plan."

    Author

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  14. AnonymousOctober 5, 2011 at 10:44 PM

    Aha, I really like the revised version. It addresses almost all of Holly's points, but there's still nothing there that indicates what the stakes are if she fails, or how falling in love creates more of an obstacle.

    Some mention of how that romance threatens to derail her efforts at seeking justice, or expose her to some danger from the vampires would be good. I know that makes it even longer and we're supposed to keep these short, but you could probably clip a few words from what you have -- "killed her parents" rather than "took the lives of her parents" -- and make room for a more specific mention of why the romance could be dangerous.

    Suggestions aside, I'd definitely read this!

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  15. AnonymousOctober 5, 2011 at 11:47 PM

    "When telepathic FBI Intern Kate Hayden learns that someone in the Theatre Noir ordered the terrorist bombing that killed her parents, she infiltrates the eccentric troupe of vampires to bring them to justice before they kill again. Falling in love with one of the main suspects wasn't part of the plan."

    Thanks for all the advice! I hope the stakes are clear now.

    Author

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  16. JadeOctober 6, 2011 at 7:16 PM

    I feel like the first sentence is so long and the second so short that it feels a little awkward. Maybe dividing the first sentence into two?

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  17. Write LifeOctober 7, 2011 at 7:02 PM

    Frankly, from your first version to your last...all of them I thought fantastic. I knew what your book was about with the first attempt. I felt the difficulties without the addition of 'when' and 'before they kill again', so I thought you did a great job! Either one works. I still almost prefer the simplicity of the first one.
    Good luck and good job!!

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