TITLE: White Lies and Friendship Ties
GENRE: Middle Grade Contemporary
When twelve year-old Connor, the fastest runner in middle school, discovers a good-bye note from his mom, he hides out in an old carriage house so no one will know she left. As he and his friends, Caitlin and Juliana struggle to keep the secret, a nosy classmate lurks, and if the trio can't stop her from figuring out where Connor is, then he may be taken away from his mom, and his dream of making the JV track team will be gone for good.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The first sentence is great. The second needs a bit of work, I think. It conflicts directly with the first sentence. If his mother has left, how can he be taken away from her? I think you'd also be better off leaving out the friends. A brief intro in a query is fine, but for purposes of a logline, they don't matter so much.. Just focus on the MC's conflict. If it is discovered that he is homeless, he'll lose X, Y, Z.
ReplyDeleteWOW! I love the story you're telling here! Very compelling-sounding. My only suggestion regarding the logline is that the last sentence feels like you are trying to get a TON of information into it. Perhaps you should break it up into shorter sentences n' give the reader a little more breathing room...
ReplyDeleteFABULOUS WORK! GOOD LUCK TO YOU N' THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS!
I really think you have a solid logline here. One thing confused me though, why is is hiding out in an old carriage house after his mom left? Is he living there? I'm guessing he is. Where did he live before? Did his mom leave him instantly homeless? You should say he is left homeless after his mother left. I think you can also lose the names of the friends. Other than that, I really liked it. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI really like the concept. I'm just a little confused about the logistics -- so, Connor was living with (only) his mother, but then she left him? But... she's trying to find him, and he doesn't want to be taken away from her? Maybe these things could be clarified, and I think this would be really solid. (Sorry if I'm being dense.) :)
ReplyDeleteOverall, I found this really compelling. I do agree that you could tighten up the second sentence a bit: "If his nosy classmate finds out his secret, Connor will become a ward of the state [or whatever would actually happen], and his dream" etc. In my opinion, that's all you really need.
ReplyDeleteAnother great title; I was also confused by "taken away from his mom" when she left him a note; not sure if he'd hiding from her or trying to find her.
ReplyDeleteCould this be complicated (and thus even more awesome) by making him look for his mom at the same time as he's trying to keep his star track record from falling by the wayside?
Maybe a scout could be stalking him with a college scholarship to get some more stakes and tension in the mix?
Of course, that might--and should--already be in the story, it's just not showing the depth here :)
I think this is unclear as to what has happened to him. Has Mom abandoned him? Is he homeless? How does hiding in the carriage house prevent others from knowing she's gone? Aren't they both now gone from wherever it was they lived? Make that aspect clearer, perhaps. The rest of it, I thought, works pretty well.
ReplyDeleteWould like to know why mom left (by force? voluntary?) and confused about how he can be taken from her if sher's already gone. Does the note indicate she's coming back? Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI had to read it again, thinking I missed something. It's great and sounds like something I'd read, except I was confused about his mother and her whereabouts.
ReplyDeleteI initially thought his mom left him. But then he wouldn't be worried later on that he might be taken away from her, would he? I have a feeling the real stake here is him not making the team.
ReplyDeleteI really like the concept. I think it sounds really interesting, but I have to agree with what everyone else has said. It is a bit confusing with mom leaving and being taken away from her. I agree that taking out the friends and the nosy classmate will help.
ReplyDelete1. Why is mom leaving?
2. Why would he be taken away from mom?
Good luck!
MaDonna
Hi,
ReplyDeleteA few things confused me. If Connor's mom left, then how can he be taken away from her?
How does hiding out in an old carriage house keep people from knowing she left?
I felt like a word was missing after "lurks."
This being said, it sounds interesting, and the voice is good.
Good luck!
Firstly, I'm confused how he can be taken from his mother if she's already left. Did she come back? Did her note indicate that she would be back at some point?
ReplyDeleteSecondly,I think this is a little on the long side. There's a few details here that I don't think you need, eg. the name of his friends. Trim this down a little by considering whether you need each detail, and clear up the confusion about his mother, and you'll have a great logline.
I agree with what others have said. I'm not sure why he hides out in the carriage house instead of staying in his own home. I'd think people would be more suspicious if he started living somewhere else.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure you need to put his friends' names in there. He and his friends struggle to keep the secret from a nosy classmate" would be simpler.
In the last line you say that if they figure out where Connor is, he'll be taken away from his mom which confused me because you said she left. How can he be taken away from her if she's not there?