TITLE: Master of the Miracles
GENRE: Literary/Historical Fiction
Ora is starting to think that God wants more from her than just her prayers. She has stigmatic visions of a 2nd Century learned woman named Bruriah, wife of Rabbi Meir - Master of the Miracles. Inspired, she begins to learn forbidden texts with the Yeshiva student Chaim who she should certainly not be speaking to - let alone meeting in private. Ora soon finds herself pregnant with twins that were not conceived with her husband, and she is confronted with the same choice Bruriah faced 2000 years before. Will Ora follow in her footsteps? Or find redemption in her own way.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Love the premise. I'd cut off the last two sentences--I think it's stronger without them.
ReplyDeleteHEY! I've read this! :D Well, some of it. BLUNDERFUL!
ReplyDeleteI love the first line of this. But I do think you have a bit too much information for your log line.
I agree with Annette about cutting the last two sentences.
I have some confusion. I would think stigmata would be connected with Catholic saints, not a Jewish rabbi's wife...and stigmata is something that happens to a person, not something that causes visions, although the two could be connected, I suppose. I just find the wording confusing. Then she "finds herself pregnant," which seems to imply that she didn't have sex to get pregnant, but I'm guessing that's not the case. We also don't know what Bruriah's choice was.
ReplyDeleteIt does sound like an interesting concept; I just think we're getting caught up in the actual story a little too much.
I believe there are too many characters mentioned for a logline and that it would benefit by being cut down a tad For example is it necessary to know that the learned woman's name is Bruriah at this point?. I'd like an introductory adjective to gain insight into Ora.
ReplyDeleteThere is ALOT of information being carried here. I would suggest narrowing the focus down. Also, not knowing any of the religious background here- I was left very confused. Unless you have a very niche audience in mind, maybe use broader concepts in the loglines?
ReplyDeleteSounds like an interesting story though.
Too much information. Needs to be streamlined a bit more. I like the premise though. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteI would take "stigmata" out, "visions" carries the idea without the confusion of what is usually a Catholic term. I go back and forth on the last lines...they do have impact, but it adds length. I read The Red Tent -- your story would definitely be on my must read list! Best wishes.
ReplyDeleteAre the visions the inciting incident? If so, then I assume these lead her to wanting to learn the truth in the texts. If so, I can't really tell how the pregnancy is preventing her from doing this and why it will matter if she fails.
ReplyDeleteI get the impression here that you are assuming that people know the real story of Bruriah and I don't think that's a safe assumption.
Good luck!
Holly
P.S. NEVER ask questions in logline or queries.
There's a lot of comments already, so all I can really add is that all the names really bogged me down. Stick with Ora and Bruriah and it would be much easier.
ReplyDeleteMany agents recommend naming only the MC in a query, or maybe a really important secondary character. It's hard to introduce multiple characters in a logline and catch the reader's attention.
ReplyDeleteI agree with cutting the last two sentences--that will help add more impact.
I like the premise (parallel stories 2000 years apart?). But you need to simplify the logline. For one, there are too many characters. Your title suggests that Rabbi Meir is a major character. But you start with Ora and then Bruriah steals the limelight, making us wonder what her choice was 2000 years before this. This really sounds interesting, and with some tweaking, you can make this shine.
ReplyDeleteHmm...if anyone is still reading - what about this:
ReplyDeletePious Ora is starting to think that God wants more from her than just her prayers. She has stigmatic visions of a 2nd Century learned woman named Bruriah. Inspired, she learns forbidden texts with a young Yeshiva student who she should certainly not be speaking to - let alone meeting in private. While physically experiencing various episodes in Bruriah's life Ora ends up pregnant with twins not conceived with her husband, and she is confronted with the same choice Bruriah faced 2000 years before.