TITLE: Smoke and Wait
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
Special Agent Alexandra MacPherson’s forte is arresting sociopaths who like to blow things up. Human monsters. Not the kind that go bump in the dark. Not the kind that don’t exist. Then her only lead is murdered by a man dead for three months. Alex must accept the impossible as her new reality if she hopes to survive and avoid becoming one of the creatures she hunts.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Loglines tend to be two lines max. You may want to consider condensing the last two into one to read "When her only lead is murdered by a dead man, Alex must accept...." I also don't know if the fourth line is necessary and could help this become more concise.
ReplyDeleteYou have all the info here. Just cut some of the fat. Try this:
ReplyDeleteSpecial Agent Alexandra MacPherson’s forte is arresting human monsters who like to blow things up. When her only lead is murdered by a man dead for three months, Alex must accept the impossible if she hopes to survive and avoid becoming one of the creatures she hunts.
It'l all your words, just shorter.
I agree with Janice. I don't think the short sentences describing the monsters really do the logline justice. Trim it a little and it'll be great!
ReplyDeleteI like the story idea, and I like the cutting in Janice's example :). Tighter and easier to read.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Janice. This sounds interesting, but it reads a bit confusing. Cut out some things, and keep only what is essential to the plot--that should help the logline flow better!
ReplyDeleteThis is a fantasy, so I'm looking for the fantastical and am confused about what a human monster is. You tell me what it's not, but not what it is. If monsters don't exist, how is this novel a fantasy? I also don't like that the fifth sentence starts with "Then." It's a little jarring in this instance and is a weak beginning.
ReplyDeleteWith a tighter focus and more clarity, this could be an exciting premise! Good luck!
I, too, agree with Janice about cutting it down some... Then, you'll have a more concise logline... I already find the premise very interesting and would definitely read it!
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to pop my head in briefly to thank you all for your comments and advice. My first logline for this is really more of a tweet pitch, clocking in at 20 words. I was trying to bring in more of the conflict and stakes, since what I had before didn't contain any other that.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence drew me right in, but I think you could lose the next three short ones—I assume that you’re talking about humans unless told otherwise. In the fourth sentence, I don’t know what case the “lead” you’re talking about is from—a new case, her latest case? I also think that that sentence would be clearer if you said “a man who has been dead for three months.” In the last sentence, I’m not sure if “one of the creatures she hunts” refers to the sociopaths from the first sentence, or if she’s now hunting a new paranormal creature, so it would help to make that clear as well.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice and I’m intrigued by the title—good luck with this!
"Her only lead" on what? This sounds like you've told us that she has been assigned a new case but you haven't.
ReplyDeleteIf this murder is the inciting incident, then you need a goal and "must accept the impossible" is not really a tangible goal, nor one that is going to be easy to stretch through an entire plot. It's also a little vague. Are you saying that she needs to accept that there are ghosts who murder people? If so, why does she think they are after her because her goal can't be to survive unless she has an imminent threat.
Good luck!
Holly
I think Janice SPerry wittled your logline down into perfection!
ReplyDelete