TITLE: Pendulum
GENRE: Mystery/Suspense
After the coroner rules that her twin brother smothered his wife and children in their beds, then hanged himself in the foyer, Charlie Reynolds vows to stay in his century home until she proves his innocence. But when the police dismiss her as a "drunk and whack job just like her brother" when she calls to report nocturnal visitations by an unseen intruder, Charlie ends up swinging from the same rope that hanged her beloved twin.
Miss Snark's First Victim
You set up the backstory well, enough, but not too much for a logline. I started tripping over the second half. "Nocturnal visitations" rubs me the wrong way for some reason. You could probably just shorten it to "report an unseen intruder" if you wanted. Also, I'm not exactly sure what you meant to imply by the last line. Just that she's in trouble? I'm having a hard time picturing her not dead after that line... It might be too much.
ReplyDeleteEchoing pinkelephant...on the last line, I went, "Huh?" If she's dead, it makes sense, otherwise...not sure I'm following. But if she's dead, I think that would put this in a different genre. :)
ReplyDeleteWhen culling this down some, it may help to condense it to ...her twin brother murdered his family and committed suicide so that we can concentrate on Charlie without distraction. I agree with prior comments about your last line. Either you give away the ending --and hence no mystery-- or you confuse your readers.
ReplyDeleteI agree with MickB in regards to cutting down the 1st sentence. And in the second sentence, I'd probably take out the quotes and just say that the police dismiss her when she calls to report.....
ReplyDeleteI like the term nocturnal visitations.:) Kinda creepy.
I gotta say, I'm kinda hooked by this. If she does indeed kill herself at the end, or killed in a similar manner as her twin, I'd probably keep that a secret. Let us know something bad could happen like her brother, but don't flat out say it.
Great job!
I'm confused by the order - are you saying the coroner is the twin brother's sister? Is Charlie Reynolds the dead hanged twin? Or is Charlie the sister? I'm confused over the sex. I find it hard to believe that she is the coroner and the police think she's a whack job. Maybe you need to give "her" a name. You can read this several ways. The idea is good :)
ReplyDeleteI'm with Robbin on this. I'm confused as to who's who - it's not clear to me. Is Charlie the dead brother and is he a ghost.
ReplyDeleteI like the premise of the story, I just need a better handle on the characters.
Good Luck!!
Maybe it's just me, but is "century home" a common term for 100 years old or is it missing 18th, 19th, etc.? Maybe, I'm the one missing something here.:)
ReplyDeleteI agree about removing the "drunk and whack job" clause and substituting something more serious sounding. Also, with the last sentence, I'm assuming that she really doesn't swing but that she's somehow saved. If that's the case, you could say something like "Charlie ends up trying to escape from the same rope." That would preserve suspense and still convey the chilling concept of the rope as an evil thing.
As far as the nocturnal visitations, the term makes me think more of Victorian country-house stories where ladies and gentlemen arranged bedroom trysts in the middle of the night. It sounds stilted and slightly other-worldly as well.
All that said, the premise is an interesting one and I'd like to read more.
Good luck!
Wow, this sounds like a page turner! I would turn this sentence around, and "drunken whack job" sounded better to my ear:
ReplyDeleteBut when she calls to report a nocturnal visitation by an unseen intruder, the police dismiss her as a "drunken whack job just like her brother" ...and Charlie ends up swinging from the same rope that hanged her beloved twin.
Wow, this is one heck of an inciting incident! I really like this until the middle and then the double "when" throws me off. As for the ending, this sounds like you've just told us that your main character dies without resolving the conflict or meeting the goal. I think you need to re-word.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Why would she stay in his house until she proved his innocence, unless she believed before hand that it was something paranormal. (If it was a human murderer, she might have to look elsewhere for clues) If that's the case, let us know.
ReplyDeleteAnd the end had me going 'huh.' So she fails and ends up dead? Or is her death the inciting incident that leads to a story in which she is a ghost solving a mystery?