TITLE: SO YOU DON'T WANT TO BE AN EVIL SORCERESS
GENRE: YA fantasy
Mysty dreams of dating high school basketball star Eric Gallante; instead, she turns him into a frog. She has to find someone – who Eric hopefully won’t like too much – to break the spell because she doesn’t qualify. Happily ever after is not for evil sorceresses.
Miss Snark's First Victim
You start off well, I like the premise, but I think you could add a little more. Why doesn't she qualify? You could elaborate on this and the risk of Eric liking someone else. Also, you could cut the Happily ever after bit. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteLove your twist on the princess and the frog story!
ReplyDeleteThe 2nd sentence is confusing. Make sure it tells us her goal, the conflict, and the consequence, and I think you'll nail it.
Love this. No suggestions for improving.
ReplyDeleteYou mean someone else to kiss him? If so then you should state that so its clear what the purpose of this "someone Eric won't like" is. Also I don't think the logline conveys very strong states...all we know is she turned a boy into a frog and has to turn him back. Is she an evil sorceress who is battling her instincts to be good? Is there an overall plot happening that involves something happening if Eric remains a frog?
ReplyDeleteThis is great! What I feel like I need to see here is more of a structure and the stakes need to be clearer. Like:
ReplyDeleteMysty dreams of dating high school basketball star Eric Gallante; instead, she turns him into a frog. She must find someone to break the spell [detail about Eric hopefully not liking is relatively unimportant, and probably belongs in a synopsis vs. a log line] because she doesn't qualify, or else THIS BAD THING WILL HAPPEN. [Line about 'happily ever after is not for evil sorceresses' doesn't really belong here, either, in a log line. If you want to tell us she's an evil sorceress, it should probably go in the beginning by her name.]
Aside from that, this has a lot of potential! Sounds like a fun read.
Good luck!
This is really cute. I would specify that she has to find someone to kiss Eric, it ramps up the intensity. I prefer the "Happily ever after..." at the end, where you have it.
ReplyDeleteI really like this from start to finish. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI loved this concept when I saw it at Write On (and I still love it now!)
ReplyDeleteI like your logline, but since you're here for a crit, I'd try something a little more direct:
When Misty turns basketball star Eric Gallante into a frog, she derails her hopes of going to prom with anyone. To find her happily ever after, she'll have to get a princess to kiss the frog of her dreams and hope he doesn't lose his taste for sorceress.
I enjoyed this logline a lot, but I do want you to clarify whether turning Eric into a frog was intentional or not. Did she lose her temper and do it (succumbing to her innate evil sorceress ways), or was it the accident of a novice sorceress. Also, why doesn't she qualify to break the spell. Is a kiss required to break the spell? If so, I'd say that specifically. You could try, "Evil sorceress Misty dreams of a happily ever after with high school basketball star Eric Gallante..." I like the punch of the last line like you have it, but I'm wondering if this logline would do better with knowing what Misty was up front.
ReplyDeleteGood luck! I love this story idea!
This is great, full of voice and fun..but the logline does not convey (to me anyway) this is YA - it makes it sound like middle grade. Also, more specifics would help make this shine. If you can mention HOW she turned him into a frog (Did she kiss him? Punch him? Smile?) and how to change him back that would strengthen this considerably. All just my opinion of course. Sounds like a fun book - good luck! :)
ReplyDeleteI like this very much! I don't have anything to say to improve it. :) Good luck with this!
ReplyDeleteI really like this! I think it's catchy and intriguing the way it is. Nice job :)
ReplyDeleteThis is cute. I think we need to know how she turns him into a frog and what kind of person she needs to break the spell (because if she can just ask anyone, then your conflict is going to last about 12 seconds).
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
WHy does she she turn him into frog? Was it an accident or did he make her mad. What qualifications does this someone need and that she lacks?
ReplyDeleteAnd then what? If this person changes him back, does the story end? What's missing is what happens next, I think.