TITLE: The Ash Plague
GENRE: Young Adult Fantasy
Adalmund Port will do anything to save her country—she’s gone to war, been an assassin, and sacrificed her arm for the princess. Now, her country needs her to work with a masked and misguided revolutionary in a neighboring country to stop a war, but at this point she’d rather take another arrow to the arm if it meant he’d stop talking.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like this line! Does she honestly only have one arm? That's kinda BA. Your last sentence threw me a little. The story seems dangerous and mysterious, but then the relatively minor annoyance of having to work with a chatterbox gives the whole thing a rom-com air. I think you could up the stakes and keep impending war as your overall conflict.
ReplyDeleteThe sacrifices Adalmund has made are a great hook (especially that missing arm!...although the last line confused me if it was actually missing, or just badly injured). The story sounds intriguing. I'd love to know more about the pest of a misguided revolutionary she's stuck with...
ReplyDeleteGREAT STUFF! THANK YOU FOR CREATING THIS!
You've given us a lot of intriguing information about the character and her country's goal, but what's her personal goal, and what are the consequences of her not achieving that goal?
ReplyDeleteGreat start!
I like this very much. But I think the tone changes with the last line and that threw me a bit.
ReplyDeleteEverything is so serious - I mean she's lost an arm! and then all of a sudden, the comedic tone at the end. Not really sure what to expect with the book - comedy or drama.
This is not bad, but I do want to know exactly who Adalmund is. Is she a solider? You could describe her as "Soldier Adalmund..." to differentiate her from being a just a regular girl who for some reason has to go to war and be an assassin. I think it gets weaker towards the end because ending it with conveying what a pain in the butt the masked guy is doesn't really convey the idea of where the novel is going, maybe you can rework it to end on a note about what will happen if they don't stop the war, I think it will make for a stronger logline. Also "masked and misguided revolutionary" didn't immediately make me think of a person, so maybe you can introduce him differently, even put in his name.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others~ the shift in tone in the last line pulls me out of this awesome-female-soldier-saves-everyone scenario. But don't get me wrong~ the premise and protagonist sound amazing. Love the female heroine being annoyed with the boy instead of being dazzled :) Best of luck with this!
ReplyDeleteThis is great. I think it wouldn't hurt if you mentioned why Adalmund is the go-to girl for her country in times of need (since all the reader knows is that she's an ordinary girl who somehow went to war and was an assassin).
ReplyDeleteOn a sort of irrelevant note: I think it would be pretty awesome if she only had one arm, and the first sentence definitely implies that she does. However, in the next sentence, you said "take another arrow to the arm" makes it sound like she didn't really lose it and just put it in harm's way. If she really does only have one arm (which I am completely in favor of), then you could reword that part of the sentence as "take an arrow to her other arm" or something like that, just to avoid any confusion.
Adalmund sounds like an interesting character. This is exactly the type of book I'd like to read.
Good luck!
1. You mention war twice - perhaps substitute battle for the first occurance.
ReplyDelete2. I think the ending twist with her annoyance is a good thing. It immediately places a comedic lightness admist the seriousness of the setting. She could take a missing arm, she could take the guts of war but she cannot stand his runnaway mouth - and I agree wholeheartedly with Jess it's nice to see a book with a heroine not immeidately drooling over the boy.
3. In your ending sentance place that arrow somewhere other than her arm - it confuses the reference to the missing arm in the first sentance.
Keep up the good work and best of luck!
Well done! A few suggestions:
ReplyDelete1) Like Ginger mentioned above, you used "war" twice, so I'd suggest changing it the second time.
2) Something about the use of "masked" and "misguided" together threw me off. I may be the only one, but I think if you use stronger adjectives that makes the revolutionary's personality seem more unique than just "masked and misguided", then we can get a better sense of his character.
3) That last line jarred me out. For two reasons. a) I thought she already sacrificed her arm. If you were talking about an arrow to the arm she has left, then, clarification would help. But you said "take another arrow to the arm", so I assume that you are talking about the same arm. b) the sudden appearance of "he" confused me for a moment, and I had to re-read the logline a few times before I think I got it. Maybe if you replace it with "revolutionary" like you mentioned in the previous sentence, it could clarify things. But besides that, I want to know why the fact that he talks a lot matters. If the only purpose of that last part of the last line is to give us an insight to the guy's character, then I suggest you cut it and focus on the main conflict instead.
Great job, and good luck! :)
Wow! Great stakes!
ReplyDeleteI did get a little thrown by the last part of the last sentence--I had to go back and reread to figure out who "he" was. I'm also not sure what he's talking about, but that could be clarified with just a few words.
Well done, and good luck!
The name stopped me at first becauase I initially thought it was a place, but I think Becca is right - a description will fix this up. Also, after all the things she's done, which are pretty hard core, she gets thrown off by someone talking too much... seems unbelievable... unless of course he is going on about something specific that she disagrees with?
ReplyDeleteReally liked the begining and can't believe how much she's done...very cool.
The comedy in the last line threw me off. It sounded very dire until then with a one-armed MC. Also "a masked and misguided revolutionary in a neighboring country to stop a war" was a lot to take in with one read. I'd omit the neighboring country bit, as that detail is unimportant for this logline. I'd change the phrase in the last sentence to "...rather take an arrow to her remaining arm..." or something. As is, it reads like she has her aforementioned missing arm back. Do you also want to tie in the title somehow? Very exciting premise and a unique MC! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like your main character already! I think you should include details about what makes her country unique. Also, you mention "country" twice (hers and the neighboring one). Why not give the names of the countries? The last line also threw me off. That's not a big conflict, if she's just annoyed by a guy who talks too much. It's funny in a way, but doesn't go with the gravity of the rest of the logline.
ReplyDeleteI loved this. Just a few very minor comments. I would avoid the repetition of "country." Just stated that she needs to work with a masked and misguided revolutionary to stop a war. I don't think the fact that he's from a different country is something we need to know from the logline. I might also break it into two sentences (start the last with "At this point...").
ReplyDeleteBut really, I loved this and would read it in a heartbeat.
This is pretty good. The "at this point" is a little confusing though since we don't know what point you are talking about. Does this happen at the beginning? In the middle? In the end? Throughout the whole story? Are there any other conflicts than his jabbering on?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I was so into this until the end of the last sentence. It's funny, but I would rather hear about the danger they might face or the goal she is reaching for.
ReplyDeleteThis is so, so close.
The last sentence does this in, I think. It implies her greatest challenge will be working with someone who never shuts up. I'd rather hear about who stands in the way of them stopping the war, or why her partner wears a mask? What is he misguided about?
ReplyDeleteThere's lots of interesting stuff here. Put more of it into that last line . You can always add an adjective in front of revolutionary to get across his talkativeness.