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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 3 #4

TITLE: Gladys Gatsby Takes the Cake
GENRE: Humorous MG

Gladys Gatsby has dreamed of becoming a restaurant critic for the New York Times--she just didn’t think it would happen when she was 11. Now she’ll have to defy her fast-food-loving parents, bake her way into the heart of her sixth-grade archenemy, and battle Manhattan’s meanest maitre d’ if she doesn’t want to miss her deadline and watch her dream go up in smoke.
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14 comments:

  1. Rachael HuszarOctober 12, 2011 at 12:22 PM

    Oh gosh, this made me laugh! Love your humorous voice and the idea! The line could be considered a little on the long side, but still, I would totally read this. Good job!

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  2. TeeOctober 12, 2011 at 12:28 PM

    I think this is cute a cute logline and the novel sounds endearing. I think the second line can be better though. I don't see how these three hurdles would prevent her from meeting her deadline. What is her deadline?

    'her dream go up in smoke' - cliche. I'd find a better way to say this.

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  3. michelleimasonOctober 12, 2011 at 12:30 PM

    I love the title, and I think you do a good job of giving an idea of what will happen in the book. The only thing that seemed like a little bit of a contrast was the focus on baking, just because I think of a restaurant critic as focusing on more than dessert. It's not necessarily a problem but more of my first impression with the term restaurant critic.

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  4. KarenninaOctober 12, 2011 at 1:03 PM

    What a fun story! I'd definitely read this. You could tighten the logline in places, though. For example, I'm not sure what you mean by the deadline. Does this mean this is her only chance to fulfill her dream? From the first line, I get the sense that she's just going to get an early shot at it, but not that this is it, forever. I think you could cut the line "watch her dream go up in smoke", and you'd still be fine.

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  5. Vicki TremperOctober 12, 2011 at 2:20 PM

    Great title, great tone, great premise. You nailed this!

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  6. DeanaOctober 12, 2011 at 2:44 PM

    Umm...I love this! I know we are supposed to find things for you to fix, but I truly dig this:)

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  7. angelOctober 12, 2011 at 2:54 PM

    Love this. Very clever and the 11 year old MC drew me in right away!

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  8. Holly BodgerOctober 12, 2011 at 3:15 PM

    I like your first line but it is implying that something happens and not actually stating it so when you jump to "Now", I'm like, what? After that, you need to state her goal as something like "If she wants to keep her dream job, she'll have to..." then give us the conflicts (which are great!) As you've written it, we're getting her goal at the very end which forces us to re-read so it makes sense. We also don't really see that she actually has the job (and isn't just competing for it) until the end too.

    This is going to be awesome if you get it right. Good luck!

    Holly

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  9. Gail ShepherdOctober 12, 2011 at 3:19 PM

    I adore your premise, and the logline is excellent. Hilarious. I look forward to reading this!

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  10. JaneOctober 12, 2011 at 4:54 PM

    Love it. I don't read Middle Grade -- maybe they'll make it into a PG movie!

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  11. tarakOctober 12, 2011 at 8:41 PM

    I really like this premise a lot, and love the list of challenges she faces. If the deadline is something you need to bring out in the logline, I'd tie it into the first sentence. Otherwise, it seems a little out of context for me. "Now she has two days to..." It might bring a greater sense of urgency because we know how much time she has, then we read about everything else that stands in her way.

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  12. RobbinOctober 12, 2011 at 8:43 PM

    Cute premise. Adorable. The only question: Is Gladys Gatsby a critic or a baker? Your sentence: bake her way into... confused me. Sweet! Good luck!

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  13. Marie ReardenOctober 13, 2011 at 6:48 PM

    I would read this in a heartbeat, honey!

    Suggestions:
    'Gladys always dreamed' instead of 'has dreamed.' Also, figure out a cooking line to end on, maybe? (Hey, that's just me. Agents may *groan* at puns, but this is humorous MG, right?) "Watch her dreams crumble like *insert hiLARious cooking thing*. Watch her dreams disappear as fast as her famous *insert famous dish*.

    As you can tell, I'm a horrendous chef. :) Hope this helps!

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  14. Tara DairmanOctober 14, 2011 at 1:35 AM

    Hello, everyone, and thank you so much for all the comments and enthusiasm! It’s great to get logline feedback from people who haven’t read the story so I can find out what makes sense and what doesn’t. (And I bow at the altar of Holly Bodger, logline goddess extraordinaire—I’m boggled by how much time you’ve put into critting everyone’s efforts in every round, and how spot on you are every time!)

    I wish that I could incorporate everyone’s suggestions, because there were so many good ones, but for now this revision is the best I’ve come up with:

    Gladys Gatsby has dreamed of becoming a restaurant critic for the New York Times—she just didn’t expect to get assigned her first review at age 11. Now, if she wants to meet her deadline and hang on to her dream job, she’ll have to defy her fast-food-loving parents, cook her way into the heart of her sixth-grade archenemy, and battle Manhattan’s meanest maitre d’.

    Is that a bit clearer?

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