TITLE: Countless
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
He had found his prey at last. From across the room he took in every detail of her face. The full lips, thin nose, and most of all the deep green eyes. Green like a dragonfly’s wings or the patina of moss on an ancient castle. His eyes traced the moon-pale curve of her calves, down to her stilettos. She had raven hair this time.
One hundred and ninety-four years had passed since he’d last seen her. That time when he’d killed her was different than the times before. He’d made it so when she came back, she wouldn’t remember a thing. Their times together, the power they’d shared, the life they’d almost had. She’d chosen another path. Taken pity on humanity, and decided she wouldn’t go through with their plan. And worse, she’d fallen in love with one of them.
So now, as he watched her, he took a moment to appreciate the beauty of it. She stood before him, waiting for the elevator, completely oblivious to the fact that she was being hunted. Totally unaware that though she may look human, as he did, she was not. And this time, there would be no temporary death. He’d discovered a way to end her forever. She thought of herself as human now, so she would die like one. Permanently. He’d taken her powers, her memories, her lives and her love. Over, and over, and over again. Now he would take the very last thing he could. Her soul.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This sounds like a really good set-up for the story, but I almost wish this information and the backstory could be revealed through a scene rather than one big chunk at the beginning before the story really gets started.
ReplyDeleteYes, totally hooked! But, I agree with Yttar that I'd rather see this revealed rather than info dumped. I don't know if you were trying too hard to get this info into 250 words, but spread it out a bit, put some action and try to look for opportunity to use more descriptive words. Shorter, more biting sentences.
ReplyDeleteI love most of the first pg, especially the last sentence. Here's a suggestion:
At last. He'd found his prey. Her full lips, thin nose and those deep green eyes. Green like . . .
Yeah, I'm a fan of incomplete sentences!
In the second pg, the words I stumble over - "That time", "He'd made it" they just don't flow and are vague. but the rest is good.
Third pg - "beauty of it" - the reader has to wonder what "it" is. I think you mean his plan, but for the first couple sentences you are still talking about her, so it seems like you typo'd it instead of her.
Not sure if any of this helps, but I think you have a powerful idea, the writing just needs to match, build some tension, stretch out the mystery.
I agree with the previous comments, this feels like a lot of information without action. Everything you've told us is pivotal and interesting, but it's not dynamic. Much better to put us in his shoes, give us some sensory information, and make him act. What does he hear? What does she smell like? How does he feel? What's he/she doing? Lets get right into the confrontation, rather than telling us 'here comes the confrontation.' Good luck with this very interesting concept!
ReplyDeleteI do feel there have been a lot of books recently about someone hunting someone else through time. If they go on to have a romance and one or both of them turn out to be fallen angels, I will feel this all the more.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked I'm afraid. A of back story and information, which although atmospheric, I find off putting. Just personal preference, but I'd like to find this grand, overall scheme of the story stuff out later, or in drips. I don't know either of these characters at all, so it's hard for me to care about their fate yet.
ReplyDeleteI'm totally hooked!! It might be because we both write urban fantasy, but this is definitely a book I would read. It's very promising and I do hope it keeps its promises. Best wishes and good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid I'm not hooked. Feels a bit info-dumpish to me.
ReplyDeleteI like it! And want to read more. I would take out the 'ancient castle' analogy - don't think you need it and it makes for a clunky first para. But good work - and good luck!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the first paragraph. You show us what the girl looks like, and I love the 'this time'. It conveys so much with so few words.
ReplyDeleteI don't like the two that follow though. As others have said, they feel like an infodump and there's no mystery left. I'd prefer to be left hanging as to why he is hunting her instead of having basically the whole plot laid out on the first page. I think you should get rid of these paragraphs, except for 'One hundred and ninety-four years had passed since he'd last seen her.' I think that should be your opening line, as I think it's stronger and less generic than your current opening line (which is fine, I just think the second paragraph opening line would work better).
I think you're giving too much away in the first 250 words -- this feels like the whole story. Instead, I think it would be better to reveal this slowly, in bits, so that it feels more like revelation after revelation. But I agree with others -- I would read this kind of story although I think it could use a better opening.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I agree with the others. Nothing happened here. The MC looked at a woman. All the things he's 'explaining' are things he already knows. Why would he explain them to himself?
ReplyDeleteHe wouldn't. It's all there for the reader. Just tell us what happens. He see her across the room, realizes it's been 194 years, maybe admires her appearance . . . and then what? Does he go over and introduce himself? Attack her? Whateve it is he does, just let him do it. All the things being explained can be gotten out later through action and dialogue.
I agree with Bron on the first sentence of the second paragraph. Great opening line if it was followed by action.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, the UF world is a bit overrun with reincarnated beauties with evil exes coming after them. I also wonder why we started from the bad guy’s point of view, especially since it seems to be all about giving us lots of information, which makes me worry our jump to the main character’s POV will be a long while of her slowly discovering all this. At this point, I have no reason to care if the villain succeeds or fails because I don’t know the person he’s going after.
ReplyDelete