TITLE: Kitsune
GENRE: Futuristic urban fantasy
As I stepped out of the bathroom, the cool breeze rustled my damp hair and tickled my nose with this rich, masculine scent. Whoever else was in my hotel room with me had to be good; I hadn't even heard him come in.
Instinctively, I reached for the silkwire bands that should've been around my fingers, but I had taken them off before my shower. Of course I wasn't defenseless; I was Scorpio. I listened for the intruder's steady breathing and pinpointed his location.
Hiding amongst the shadows, I slipped into the darkened bedroom, and came up behind him. As I reached around for his chin, he elbowed me in the gut. Recovering, I round-kicked him in the side.
He turned to face me. As our eyes met, his breath caught, as did mine. For someone sneaking about in other people's rooms, he was not what I expected. In addition to the black mask that covered the lower half of his face, he wore black cargo pants, a black t-shirt, and a button up white shirt with the top two buttons undone and the sleeves rolled up. But still, he had to be hot. I was, and I was wearing shorts and a camisole.
Then I noticed his mask again, like it had been trying to get my attention the whole time. Only I was too busy pretending he wasn't wearing one. Or what it meant that he was. What was another Scorpio doing here? Was he here to terminate me?
Miss Snark's First Victim
Great hook there at the end!
ReplyDeleteI'd like a little more info about what it means to be Scorpio. Just a few words of description will probably be sufficient. Also, the description of his clothes stops the forward momentum. Unless the info is critical to the scene, you might want to consider cutting it. Just my opinion, of course.
Otherwise, sounds like an interesting concept and with that last sentence I'd keep reading to see where this was going. :)
Am I hooked? Definitely. I was a little confused when the MC said she was too busy pretending the attacker wasn't wearing a mask because she mentioned it in the previous paragraph. Overall, a nice, intense scene.
ReplyDeleteMy only quibble here would be with the description of the clothing. It's detailed enough that it slows down the action. I also wonder why the MC would be so focused that she'd notice how many buttons are undone. Looking for obvious weapons, armor, etc., make sense. But that just drew me away.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I liked it and would keep reading.
I thought you had a nice opening scene that could draw a reader in, but I also thought you could slow it down and give us more details (show instead of tell) to make it more intense. Maybe show us what she does with the silkwire bands. Maybe let us hear his breathing as she sneaks up on him.
ReplyDeleteYou could also do more with the fight scene. Reaching around for his chin doesn't sound violent at all, and when he elbows her in the gut, what does she feel? Does she double over? Get knocked back? How does she recover? Likewise when she kicks him in the side. How does he react?
And then perhaps skip his description for now, at least in block form. The action scene you've created comes to a stop as you describe him. Is he just standing there patiently, waiting to continue the fight or kill her, as she analyzes him? Keep the scene moving.
And I did wonder where the breeze is coming from, since they're indoors at a hotel, and she seems to be in the bathroom.
Agree with pp-ers that you could cut some of these extraneous details like clothing (although I was picturing her in a towel since she just got out of the shower). But I'd definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThis paragraph, in my opinion, could use tinkering: "Hiding amongst the shadows, I slipped into the darkened bedroom, and came up behind him. As I reached around for his chin, he elbowed me in the gut. Recovering, I round-kicked him in the side."
ReplyDeleteSince I'm just getting to know your MC, I want to connect with what she's feeling. Firstly, I don't quite get what 'reaching around for his chin' entails, and secondly, OW! He just elbowed her in the stomach, and all we get to address it is "Recovering,"? It would also be nice to see his reaction, which is totally ignored. After she kicks him in the side, it skips straight to "He turned to face me." Even if they're both tough as nails (which I assume they are), there should be some sort of ... something to address what happens after they hit their targets. As a reader I felt cheated of the rough visceral feeling of a fight in the dark.
Ditto the cutting clothing advice. "In addition to..." is a very long sentence - breaks the flow somewhat.
I'm intrigued by the mystery of what being a Scorpio entails, though! I get the impression it's some sort of assassin's gang.
Best of luck.
Hooked! One small detail, when I first read the sentence 'But still, he had to be hot', I thought you meant hot as in good-looking. I reread it, and was very glad that's not what you meant since that would be very romance novelish. Maybe use 'sweltering' or something instead of hot?
ReplyDeleteI really like this whole Scorpio concept... nice job! I'd definitely read on.
Definitely hooked! I, too, was kind of picturing her in a towel... hm. Anyway, I'm very intrigued by this, especially by the whole Scorpio thing.... I need to know more. Great job!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I really like this whole James Bond vibe I'm getting from this passage and I think you did a great job hooking the reader right away :)
ReplyDeleteThere are a couple of small things that I think you can edit to improve this passage though:
I'd rewrite your first sentence to remove the "as I" in order to strengthen it. These words distance the reader from the POV and sound "telling". Maybe, "I stepped out of the bathroom. The cool breeze...". Also, in the second sentence I suggest deleting "with me" since I assume this when you say "whoever else".
There are also a couple more "as I", "As our" instances which I suggest rewriting to strengthen the POV and connection the reader builds with the MC.
In my opinion you can shorten the description of what the guy is wearing. Is it important? Im way more interesting in the MCs interpretation of her attackers mask - how does she recognize that hes Scorpio? Is there something special about his mask?
Overall, great job and thank you for sharing your work. Good luck :)
I laughed out loud at the "hot" comment and thought the MC was really arrogant, then realized it was about temperature. Still, I'm hooked! :)
ReplyDeleteNot sure if this allowed, but here's a revision.
ReplyDeleteI stepped out of the bathroom, where the cool breeze from the open window rustled my damp hair and tickled my nose with this rich, masculine scent. Whoever else was in my hotel room had to be good; I hadn't even heard him come in.
Instinctively, I reached for the silkwire bands that should've been around my fingers, but I had taken them off before my shower. Of course I wasn't defenseless; I was Scorpio. I listened for the intruder's steady breathing and pinpointed his location.
Hiding amongst the shadows, I slipped into the darkened bedroom and came up behind him, my heart racing. Unlike his.
He stayed calm even as I reached around for his chin. I slid my hand under his shaggy black hair and was about to twist his head to break his neck, when he elbowed me in the gut.
"Ugh." I lurched forward, but blocked his awaiting fist. Recovering, I round-kicked him in the side. The intruder stood firm, like my kick hadn't even affected him.
For someone sneaking about in other people's rooms, he was not what I expected. He wore black cargo pants and a button up white shirt with the sleeves rolled up. But still, he had to be hot. I was, and I was wearing shorts and a camisole.
He turned to face me. A black mask covered the lower half of his face.
My muscles tensed. *What was another Scorpio doing here? Was he here to terminate me?*
Thank you for all of your comments. They were very helpful.
ReplyDeleteI also don’t understand the point of making her notice the mask twice. It’s implied that being Scorpio means one is capable and deadly; you’d think it’d be the first thing she zeroed in on. Especially if she noticed his breath catching, in a dark room, behind a mask and two layers of clothing. ;) Despite some hiccups, it’s not a bad start. I just don’t feel it’s giving us anything new.
ReplyDelete