TITLE: Dragon
GENRE: Fantasy
It’ll take all the strength of one, small dragon to save their kind. Maayin must become that dragon. Trouble is, she believes she’s human.
Maay hummed as she worked the old loom, the dull clack of wood like a child’s lullaby to her ears. Sunlight blazed into the small solarium, its stifling heat cooled by the wind blowing through the open windows. Tall, potted plants screened the bulk of the sunlight from those first entering, their green leaves bright and inviting as they bobbed in the breeze.
She cocked her head to the sound of footsteps echoing through from the open door on the other side of the living barrier. Men. It had to be for their boots to hit the stone with such a racket. One pair even sounded as if punctuated by the dull clink of metal.
Maay frowned at the woven threads before her, idly looping another through. Not many men came into this quarter of the castle, mostly servants with their soft shoes and irritating tendencies to blend into the background.
She glanced over her shoulder, gaze perusing the room before settling on at the wide leaves overhanging the tiny foliage-crafted doorway. You’re imagining things again. Why earlier, she could’ve sworn she’d heard the flap of massive wings. Like a dragon. Utter foolishness. Dragons hadn’t flown over this region since before her birth.
Shaking her head, she returned to her work, hoping to regain the comfort in being blissfully alone. Rarely could she find time without her brothers and sisters, both the older and the younger, dogging her. One day, or so her adopted mother believed, she’d miss their presence and the foolish games they’d played.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This reads well. You're a good writer, though I think you could delete the 'at' in the first sentence of the fourth paragraph. For me though, this started a little slowly. All Maay is really doing is working a loom and thinking. I understand that these samples are short, and something exciting might be about to happen, but I have to go on what is here.
ReplyDeleteI'd give this a little more time because you do write well, but I would be hoping for something to hook me fairly soon.
I love the setting and the mood of this, for that alone I'd want to read on.
ReplyDeleteHowever, there are a few sentences that feel a little forced or just not quite right. Bron already mentioned the 'at' - two other instances that stood out for me were: "Tall, potted plants screened the bulk of the sunlight from those first entering..." and "One pair even sounded as if punctuated by the dull clink of metal." In both cases I got distracted by the writing.
Having said that, I did enjoy reading this. And like I said, I'd definitely want to read on, at least for a little while longer.
I like the mood of this, and I already like Maay, which is remarkable for such a short excerpt. For these things I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI found it a little over-telegraphed at parts, though, which made the pace a bit slow.
Nitpicks:
- like a child's lullaby
Could just be "a lullaby."
- The description of sun vs. wind and plants vs. sun in the solarium was a little distracting. It got me a sense of a relatively peaceful place, but the whole climate war didn't strike me as necessary setting.
- the dull clink of metal
I found this a little repetitive with the earlier "dull clack of wood."
- mostly servants with their soft shoes and irritating tendencies to blend into the background
This is where I got interested in Maay. So she likes to keep track of her surroundings that closely, huh?
- She glanced over her shoulder, gaze perusing the room before settling on at the wide leaves overhanging the tiny foliage-crafted doorway.
I found this over-descriptive; even the simpler "She glanced over her shoulder at the doorway" would have worked better for me, since I would feel less drowned in details. (Unless the fact that the doorway is tiny and overhung with leaves is important, of course.)
- Shaking her head, she returned to her work, hoping to regain the comfort in being blissfully alone.
Having both "comfort" and "blissfully" here seemed a bit redundant.
- Rarely could she find time without her brothers and sisters, both the older and the younger, dogging her.
I could do without "both the older and the younger," again, unless it's significant that she's a middle child. Although I tend to think of younger siblings as being more of the pestering kind, so it is interesting that her older siblings seem to be in her way so often.
- One day, or so her adopted mother believed, she’d miss their presence and the foolish games they’d played.
Ah, adopted. Ties right in with the logline and gives that trickling sense of foreboding...
(Just wanted to come back to second YKL's comment about getting interesting in Maay because of her keeping track of her surroundings closely. AGREED.)
ReplyDeleteUm, you had me at dragons. :)
ReplyDeleteYour logline gets right to the point, and I think it conveys how interesting the concept is very well.
The writing is lovely, and you've given us a hint at what's to come with her thought about dragons. I also thought you did well weaving in good characterization: that she finds servants irritating, that she's adopted, that working the loom is soothing to her.
A good intro, but I'd hope some tension would happen on the next page to truly draw us in.
I like this and don't mind the slowish start as I have a feeling you're setting up something pretty cool.
ReplyDeleteMy only comment comes at the end of the piece where she hears the flap of wings. She automatically thinks it's a dragon, but in the next sentence says they haven't been seen in the region since before her birth.
The logic of her immediately jumping to the dragon conclusion just didn't click right for me because of that sentence. Why would that be the first thing she thinks of when dragons aren't a constant presence in the area?
Other than that, I would definitley read on to see what happens!
*I write YA, so I'm mostly just commenting as a reader. :)*
ReplyDeleteLove dragons! Everything about them. The logline has me. The only question I have is whether she's been *led* to believe she's human, or whether she's rebelling against her people.
I LOVE the scene-setting we get. And we know MCs are never actually imagining things. ;) Would love to read on. Very nice work!
Forgot to wish you good luck for the auction, so good luck!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this opening. I do agree with some of the other posters so far, that the opening paragraph while descriptive pretty, might be a bit too much set-up to hold onto the reader like you want.
ReplyDeleteThe premise had me interested right away, however, and I did like teh MC right off, which is a neat trick for such a short little teaser.
The repeat of the "dull clink" did give me a moment's pause in reading this, so that may be something to take a peek at.
I would keep reading at this point. I do get the impression those boots mean something big is coming.
Good luck!
This is well-written and I don't mind the slow start because you've hinted at some big things to come.
ReplyDeleteI realize this is a very short excerpt, but both the excerpt and logline make this read like YA. That's not a bad thing, but I thought I'd point it out.
Good luck!
Oh foo. I thought I'd freed ar least this piece of sneaky extra words. Foolish me, they're always there. Lurking in the background for fresh eyes to espy.
ReplyDeleteReally can't believe I missed an obvious 'at' ... -_-
Thanks for the comments. I'm thinking some tweaking is in order.
Really good bit of writing here. It has a voice! Although some pruning might make both the voice and story stand out more. For one, there's a lot of repetition when it comes to plants. Tall potted plants screened the bulk of sunlight...the living barrier...gaze perusing the room before settling on the wide leaves overhanging the tiny foliage-crafted doorway... This is a lot of ways to point out something that could be conveyed (beautifully) in one sentence. A good rule of thumb is to assume your reader is smart and give it to them straight, rather than "beating around the bush." I punned a bit there because this piece seems to focus more on the plants and the sound of shoes than the conflict, when getting to conflict would be more engaging.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of conflict, you say it'll take the strength of one small dragon to save their kind, but from what? There's no hint anywhere, which is the only thing keeping me at "maybe" instead of "yes!" But otherwise, well done.
This has a lovely mood of something building, a surprise about to be revealed. There are subtle things about the main character revealed: She loves her work at the loom and to be alone; she is from a wealthy, if not royal background; this is an era of castles and armor-wearing men. She's not completely sweet, either. She finds the servants irritating and her siblings annoying.
ReplyDeleteConsider hooking readers a little earlier with conflict or dialogue or a real surprise. I suspect just such a thing comes after this excerpt. You could trim the descriptions to move it up to the first page. Before we are invested in Maay as a character and your storytelling's power, we're not going to be that interested in the details of the sunlight and the plants. This sentence could be tweaked: "Sunlight blazed into the small solarium, its stifling heat cooled by the wind blowing through the open windows." The sun is blazing and stifling yet it's cooled by a breeze? Don't quite follow. You could also trim the descriptions of the foliage. This could come later. Also does a gaze settle "on at"?
I like the tantalizing thought about the beating of dragon wings. That slips in a fantastical element in just the right subtle way.
The comma after "one" in the logline throws me off, but I like the premise.
ReplyDeleteI like the sensory details, and I don't think they're too much, but what catches me is that it takes four paragraphs-worth of tiny hints to show new feet walking by. I like that she's so unconcerned that she'd rather wonder about it and keep working than worry about it, but I think you could tighten up the potted plants providing screening, not mention the other people there, and Maay would feel just as casual without us feeling like it's laden with hints.
I agree with the commenter above about her instantly thinking of the sound of dragons when she's never heard a dragon. Of course, maybe she has and doesn't know it, or the sound is "in" her, so I think this mention could work if it's done carefully, given time that this sample lacks.
In general, though, I'm intrigued. Maay thinks she's human? Well, for now so do I. I have a sense of her personality and I'd like to see what kind of dragon she makes.
I really want to read on! I love the sound of this story already, the style, the setting... I just need more!
ReplyDeleteThat said, I do think it gets a little too descriptive in one or two places. In the first paragraph, I would get rid of "child's", and just make it "lullaby". Sunlight blazing, stifling heat cooled, tall potted plants, green leave bright and inviting, bobbing in the breeze... it's a lovely, vivid description, but I think there is just too much. You could trim it down a bit and still have the clear picture.
Good luck in the auction, I really hope I can read more of this one day!
Logline: A stronger sense of impending consequences would strengthen this. Save their kind from what?
ReplyDeleteOpening scene: Great imagery and description. Interesting hints for what is to come but I'm hoping serious tension will be introduced soon.
I'd read for another page or two to see if I'm hooked. Good luck!
I like the idea of a dragon who thinks she's human, and barring a couple of places you could tighten up, I think you write very nicely.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit surprised you didn't get any bids, but I think the problem is that nothing much happens here. So don't worry about your writing, but find a more dynamic place to start the story.
Since the bidding's over, I'd like to again thank everyone for their comments.
ReplyDeleteTo all those who mentioned it: the rogue “at” and “child’s” have been deleted (along with the second “dull”). To be honest, I’ve no idea how I missed the first and vaguely recall the latter as being something else to begin with.
@Stephanie Thornton: I thought about assigning it a YA status (she is eighteen), but she shares the narration with a 63-year-old male (which I suppose, when you consider the long age of a dragon, makes him a petulant teen himself). It’s the adult scenes that stop me, really. Even with younger characters, I’ve yet to write what I’d consider as a YA novel.
@K. Cooper & pj schnyder: “From extinction” are the words missing there. It’ll take all the strength of one small dragon to save their kind from extinction.