TITLE: Against the Blue
GENRE: Young Adult
Harper realizes the impact her twin brother's suicide has had on his best friend Adam.
“No. I don’t.” I tell Adam and follow him to his car.
Ten minutes later, we are on our way up a winding road. Adam hasn’t said a word since he drove out of the school parking lot. I haven’t either. The trees blur together into a green streak outside my rolled-down window as we weave up the base of Kroutter Mountain. He has put on some music and it throbs low in the background. The air feels fresh and clean on my face. Every so often I see Adam’s eyes shift over to watch me. I too, study him when looks back to the road.
Adam Brighton has been a presence in our home since we were kids. He is familiar, comfortable. Always ready with a plan or idea. When we were young, before I wanted a life independent of my twin, the three of us were inseparable. We spent weekends in Adam’s basement playing video games and watching T.V. During the summer, we would bike down to the drugstore and buy candy. When I think back to those days, I remember a bright-eyed kid, ready for anything, bouncing with impatience on our front porch while we pulled on our shoes or a jacket.
But now, as I inspect his face out of the corner of my eye, I can tell that Lucas' death has not been kind to him. There are deep bags under his brown eyes, which look muted, almost dull. His shoulders sag under the heavy weight of our loss and when he catches me looking and smiles, it feels forced. He is hurting too. For some reason, this startles me. I have been so stuck in my bubble of anger and grief, I didn’t once think of Adam.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I really like the writing here - it's very descriptive and evocative. I also like how this is a subtler revelation, something the narrator realizes on her own.
ReplyDeleteMy only suggestion: the beginning of the second paragraph has a bit too much telling vs. showing. For instance, it says he is "Always ready with a plan or idea." Perhaps you should give an example of this, not necessarily here, but at some point during the book, in order to support this characteristic. (And maybe you already have, since all I get to read is ~310 words)
Good work :)
I like what you have here. I get the setting, the mood, and the characters. I would only suggest tightening it up bit. You don't want your emotion to get lost in too many words. Instead of saying "He has put on some music and it throbs low in the background." you can replace "and it throbs" with "that throbs". For me it helps the flow. Also "Adam’s eyes shift over to watch me" can be changed to "eyes shift to me" (we know he's watching) or just drop "over" - you only need one preposition. And "as I inspect his face out of the corner of my eye," might work better as "as I inspect his face in my periphery" since you talk about his eyes soon after. I just didn't like the use of eyes so close together, but that's just me :) Overall, I enjoyed reading this and would want to read more. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your writing. The pace of this section did hit a speedbump though in the second paragraph which was a whole lot of telling/infodump to take in at once. I suggest trimming this down to the most important details and them moving right on to the revelation about Adam.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck and thanks for sharing!
I enjoyed this, and previous comments cover most of what I have to offer.
ReplyDeleteFor some weird reason I really like the name of the mountain. It made me smile.
The only other thing that struck me was the comment about the bags under his eyes. I would be more prone to describe his eyes as having a bruised look, or dark smudges. For some reason the bags reminds me more of an old woman than a teen.
There are deep bags under his brown eyes, which look muted, almost dull. His shoulders sag under the heavy weight of our loss and when he catches me looking and smiles, it feels forced.
ReplyDelete